“Push, Tatiana. You have to push.”
The pain was excruciating. Not only the physical pain, but the pain to my heart, my soul.
I didn’t want to do this. I just wanted to crawl into a dark, never-ending hole and die. My son was gone. There was no bringing him back. What was the point? What was the point of any of it?
Another wave of pain hit me head on and I cried out, squeezing my eyes shut. God, it hurt. They offered me an epidural to numb the pain but I didn’t want it. Despite how much it hurt, I wanted to feel every single second of it. It was the least I could do to bring him into this world.
I had one job. One job. Protect and nurture the life growing inside me…and I failed. I’d failed him.
I still didn’t understand what was going on. I was too smothered in grief to really comprehend what the doctor had said. All I knew was that they wanted to induce labour so I could give birth. That I was too far along and had to get him out. It was heartbreaking to hear. Another hit to my already shattered soul.
Wave after wave of agonising pain gripped me hard, clutching me in its claws and refusing to let go. I cried out, tears falling down my cheeks.
“Try him again,” I begged the nurse at my side, gripping the railing on the bed as hard as I could.
A look of pity crossed her face. “I’ve called him over two dozen times, darling. His phone is still off.”
“Please,” I sobbed. “Please, try again. Try again. I need him. He has to be here. I need him. I need—ahhhh.” Another bout of pain hit me, the overwhelming urge to push bearing down on me. I twisted and turned, trying to find a way to get away from the pain, but nothing worked. Nothing worked.
“Okay, Tatiana. When the pain hits again, I need you to push, okay?” Dr Spendel’s voice was calm but firm. His hands were between my legs, his brows lowered in concern as he focused all of his attention on what was going on.
I shook my head. “I can’t.” I couldn’t do this without Nikolai. I’d never pictured myself as the type who needed a man, but god, I needed him. I needed him to hold my hand. To wrap me up in his arms and tell me it was all going to be okay, even though I knew it never would be.
Where was he? Why wasn’t he here? I thought he loved me, that he’d always be there for me. I thought—
I screamed as more pain took over my body. “Call him again!”
The nurse looked at Dr Spendel for guidance. Dr Spendel nodded. “Keep trying,” he commanded.
The nurse hit redial on the phone. It didn’t ring, a generic messaging service playing out over the loudspeaker.
“No, no,” I groaned in agony. How could he do this? “Nikolai, please.” Another nurse came over and offered me a drink of water as she placed a damp cloth over my forehead.
“Is there someone else I can call for you?” the nurse asked. “What about your mother? Your father? A friend?”
The only person I wanted was Nikolai. He was the only one who could help me. I knew I could call my dad, or maybe Illayana. But the thought of either of them being here didn’t bring me comfort. Nikolai. I needed Nikolai.
The more I cried, the more my heart broke. He abandoned me. I couldn’t do this without him, I just couldn’t—
“Tatiana!”
My eyes snapped to Dr Spendel.
“I know this hurts. I know.” Were those tears in his eyes? “But I need you to push. Maureen is going to keep calling him but I need you to focus on me, okay? Just focus on me and pushhhh.”
A scream tore from my throat as I used all my strength to do what he said. The contractions ripped through me like a tsunami and I tried to ignore the pain of my broken heart, focusing solely on Dr Spendel.
“That’s it. Keep going.”
The more I pushed, the harder I cried, calling out for Nikolai over and over again, praying that he could somehow hear me. That he would suddenly burst through that door and hold me, kiss me and lend me his strength. Because I couldn’t do it on my own. The pain of knowing that, after all of it, I would never get to see my son smile. Never hear him laugh or cry. I’d never see him open his eyes or call me Mama. It was too much. It was all too much.
“Nikolai, please. I need you,” I sobbed, begged. He wouldn’t do this to me. Not my Nikolai. Not my knight.
“You’re almost there. That’s it. One more big push.”
The nurse continued to redial Nikolai’s number over and over again, the sound of the messaging service playing out through the room, a constant reminder that I was doing this alone. That he wasn’t coming.
How many times had she called him? I didn’t even know.
“Ahhhhhh!” There was one last, agonising burst of pain and then nothing. Just instant relief. I slumped back into the bed, panting heavily.
Dr Spendel stood, cradling my son in his arms.
I cried so hard that the tears obscured my vision and I couldn’t see properly. My baby. My precious, little baby. Since the moment I’d found out I was pregnant, I’d pictured this exact moment. The moment my child came into the world. It was meant to be the best moment of my life.
But instead, it was the worst.
I reached out for him and Dr Spendel placed him in my arms gently, with so much care and tenderness, making sure to cradle his head, even though we both knew it didn’t really matter.
He was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
I ran my finger down the side of his face softly. “Hi, Nikolas.”
Illayana sat quietly on her bed, tears in her eyes as I recounted what had happened. I told her everything, not holding a single detail back. I told her about how Nikolai and I first started seeing each other. I told her when I found out I was pregnant. I told her about the fight Nikolai and I had. I told her everything. Every. Single. Thing.
She didn’t say a word the entire time. She just sat there and listened as I poured my entire heart and soul out. There was no anger on her face, no judgment. Just complete and utter sadness.
When I was finished, she immediately got up and hugged me. She hugged me so tightly, I could barely breathe. I’d been avoiding this conversation for so long, I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect when I finally told her.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered into my hair, holding me tighter. “Why?”
I just shook my head. I still wasn’t entirely sure myself why I’d hidden it from her for so long. At first, I just didn’t want to talk about it. With anyone—not just her. As time went on, I realised it was just easier pretending it didn’t happen. Easier not to think about it at all than dredge up the horrible memory of that day.
She pulled back, staring me deep in the eyes. “I don’t understand. How were you pregnant and I didn’t know? Am I that bad of a best friend that I didn’t notice?”
“Do you remember when I went away for a few months to visit my aunt and uncle?”
Realisation flashed across her face. “It was then?”
I nodded.
“And then when you dropped off the face of Earth because you said you were going backpacking across Europe?”
I dropped my gaze to my hands. “I needed time…afterwards. I wasn’t really backpacking. I was here, at my dad’s house. I didn’t leave my room for months.”
Her eyes widened. “Tatiana, why? Why didn’t you come to me? I would have been there for you.”
“I know you would have, Illayana. I know that.” The truth of the matter was, I didn’t want her there. I didn’t want to be comforted. I didn’t want to be held and told false promises about how it was all going to be okay. I just wanted to die. It was as simple as that.
She looked like she was going to push more on the subject, but in the end decided to drop it. “That guy, Kurt, the one that started all this shit between you and Nik. Why did he do that? Why did he say you guys slept together when you didn’t?”
“Well, we used to sleep together, remember? That trainee I told you about?”
“That was him?”
“Yes. We fucked for a few months while we were both going through the Bratva training. Then…”
“Nik?” It felt so strange talking about this with her, but only because I’d been hiding it for so long.
“Yeah. Once things started with Nikolai, I broke it off with Kurt instantly. He was pissed off but Nikoali is—”
“Whoa, whoa.” She held up her hands. “I don’t need those details. He’s my brother. I don’t want to know what you guys get up to.”
I chuckled softly. “Fair point. Anyway, Kurt didn’t take kindly to being dumped. I think he caused trouble between Nikolai and I as a way to get back at me.”
Illayana frowned. “How did he even know about the two of you, though?”
“He caught us. Once. We were fucking in the warehouse late one night when he walked in. Nikoali threatened to kill him if he said a word. Which he took very seriously because, hello, your brother can be a scary motherfucker when he wants to be.”
Illayana grunted.
“Everything was good, for a while. We’d been seeing each other for about a year when I fell pregnant. But I guess Kurt decided he wanted to cause drama, so he kept dropping hints that he and I had slept together recently. So recently that Nikolai thought the baby was Kurt’s and not his. The rest, you know…”
She shook her head in anger. “God, he can be so pig-headed sometimes. I can’t believe he didn’t listen to you when you said you hadn’t slept with Kurt. Did he ever give any explanation as to why he acted like that?”
I looked away. He had. Nikolai told me all about Galina and the whole “passing off the baby as his even though she knew there was a high probability of it being someone else’s” thing. It finally gave me some clarity as to why he’d acted the way he did when Kurt ran his mouth. Nikolai had been stung in the past, and he thought I’d done the exact same thing to him. It excused his behaviour…up to a point.
I couldn’t tell Illayana that though. It wasn’t my secret to tell.
When I didn’t answer, Illayana asked, “Whatever ended up happening to him? Kurt?”
I shrugged. “Beats me. He disappeared shortly after Nikolai and I split. I know word got out that Nikoali was looking for him. I think he realised how much he fucked up and ran the first chance he got. I managed to have a brief conversation with him before he took off. If I hadn’t been pregnant, I would have tried to kill him. Turns out, he’d been spying on me for months, stalking me. It’s how he found out about the tattoo on my ass. He used to watch me in my room.”
“Creepy,” she shivered. “Is there anything else you’ve been neglecting to tell me?” Her face was tense, eyes hard.
Was there? I racked my brain, trying to think if there was anything else I’d been keeping from her. Better to air it all out now and just be done with it.
“My mother called me a few weeks ago.”
“Your mother?” she frowned.
I nodded. “She reached out. Said she wanted to see me.”
“What the fuck?” she exclaimed. “Where the hell has she been the last twenty-four years?”
“Didn’t ask. Just told her to fuck off and hung up. My dad went to Russia to see her during the time of the attack. She tried to convince him to talk to me, to get me to agree to see her, but I’m not interested in anything she has to say or whatever excuses she tries to throw my way.”
Illayana asked a few more questions. Some about my mother. Some about Nikolai, our relationship and how we’d managed to hide it for so long. I tried to answer as honestly as possible. The shift in her personality was so gradual at first that I didn’t even notice it. The sadness and compassion she’d shown slowly began to fade, replaced by that infamous Volkov temper.
When the conversation reached a standstill, I peaked a glance at her. Oh, yeah, she was pissed.
By the look on her face, I could have sworn she was getting ready to throw down right there and then. I was expecting it. Preparing for it. I’d seen that dangerous glint in her eyes dozens of times before she challenged her brothers to the ring. It was going to happen. It was—
Illayana stood abruptly and marched towards the door. She flung it open so hard that it smacked against the wall with a loud whack, and she disappeared around the corner without a glance back.
I frowned. She was itching to fight, yet she was ignoring it? That didn’t sound like the Illayana I knew. Unless something was holding her back from fighting me? Maybe she felt bad for me. Maybe after I’d told her what happened, she didn’t think it was right to be angry with me.
That only left—
My eyes widened. Shit. I jumped to my feet and bolted out the door.
