I looked over my shoulder, seeing Illayana standing in my doorway, arms crossed over her chest. Considering she hadn’t said a word to me since I got home a few days ago, I was surprised she was here, talking to me.
Yesterday, I received the call we’d all been waiting for. A woman named Andrea told me a position had just become available in the private security firm I’d applied for, if I was still interested in taking it. She’d spoken in code, another precaution set forth by Talon, no doubt, in case anyone was monitoring their phone calls. I had to pick my words carefully because, as someone on this waitlist, I should know what her words meant, even if they didn’t make sense to me.
Everything seemed to go okay, because she gave me the flight information that would send me on my journey. In two days, I would be off to that island and the mission would be underway.
A mixture of emotions warred within me. Excitement. Anticipation. Eagerness. Dread. Not for me, but for Tatiana.
I feared going away, becoming unavailable to her and anything she might need could set me back in the progress I’d made. What if something happened while I was away? What if she needed me? There was no coming back from where I was going. Not unless we completed our mission and saved my father, something that was going to be extremely hard to achieve. There were a lot of obstacles to overcome, a lot of things that could go wrong. It made me hesitant to go, despite knowing what fate my father would most likely suffer if we didn’t rescue him.
“You’re talking to me now, are you?” I turned back around and continued the mundane task of packing my clothes into my suitcase.
Illayana huffed and stepped into the room. She sat at the edge of my bed, staring me down. “I don’t want you to go without settling things between us.”
“Didn’t we already do that? Yes, I distinctly remember. That bruise on your face, it’s from me kicking your ass in the ring.”
She picked up a pair of black pants and threw them at me. I caught them and put them in my suitcase. “If something happens, if you don’t come back, I don’t want our last words to be ones of anger. I want to resolve this.”
Very mature words from someone who had acted like a complete fucking child less than a week ago. But she was trying, so I wouldn’t say that.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Illayana. Or more, what you want to hear. I’m not going to apologise—”
“And I don’t want you too,” she cut in. “I just want to hear your side of what happened. I’ve heard Tatiana’s. Now I want to hear yours.”
Was that something I could give? The memory of that day was something I tried actively not to think about, not to relive. The past was the past. It couldn’t be changed. Reliving it only caused pain, so I’d promised myself I wouldn’t think about it if I could help it.
But as I looked at my baby sister and those big, pleading blue eyes, I knew I couldn’t say no.
Two years ago
“So, as you can see Mr Cliveson, I have more than enough inventory to meet your needs.”
It took a conscious amount of effort not to roll my eyes. Sitting across from my father and I was Delano Campos, the fucker who had been selling guns in our territory. We had suspected it was him, but he’d just confirmed it, and in doing so, signed his death warrant. He didn’t realise he was sitting at a table with the Pahkan of the Bratva. He thought we were just a couple of drug runners looking for weapons to protect ourselves and our product. Not his competition.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out and glanced at the screen, my jaw locking up tight.
Tatiana.
I ignored the call.
I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. Not after everything. I didn’t want to hear her tell me what an idiot I was being, how I was overreacting. She just kept trying to invalidate my feelings. I heard that fucker Kurt, with my own ears, explain in great detail about their ‘time’ together. Heard him describe the tattoo on her ass that she had gotten with me. The timeline matched. I didn’t need to know anything else. The baby wasn’t mine, just like with Galina. I wasn’t going to go and get my hopes up again just to have them and my heart crushed into oblivion. I wasn’t.
Still, there was this tiny voice in my head that kept saying, “What if?” What if she was telling the truth? What if it was all just a big misunderstanding and the baby was mine? What if she didn’t betray me? That voice was slowly getting louder and louder, more prominent. More demanding.
I wanted to believe it, to listen to it. What I felt for Tatiana was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. A blazing love as powerful as a supernova. All-consuming. She was everything to me. It was why the idea of her betrayal hurt so much.
My phone vibrated, Tatiana trying to call me again. I ignored it. Again.
I told myself I was ignoring her calls because I was dealing with Bratva business, but deep down, I knew the real reason. It was because I just didn’t want to deal with any of it right now. I needed more time. Needed to figure out exactly what I was going to do about our situation. Whether to believe her and run back to her, or let her go.
After the third call, I switched my phone off and focused back on the meeting.
Delano was running his mouth, trying to make himself seem all Alpha dog, like he was the big man and we were nothing. It was getting harder and harder to sit at this table with him and not put a bullet in his brain. But, Father wanted to wait. We had confirmation it was him selling guns in our territory, but Father wanted to know where he was getting them from.
You had to take out the supplier, as well as the seller to truly stop it. Otherwise, another person could easily replace Delano and we’d be right back where we started.
After what felt like hours, we were finally done, and said our goodbyes with arrangements to meet in a few days, us with the cash and him with the inventory. That was where we’d attack.
Father and I exchanged a few words before he got in his car and left. I climbed into the driver’s seat of my own vehicle and took a deep breath, my hands curling around the steering wheel.
I feared what I would find when I turned my phone back on. Most likely Tatiana, cursing me out for ignoring her. Something I probably deserved. I’d been ignoring her attempts to talk for months now.
I don’t know how long I sat there, my car running idly as I worked up the courage to deal with my problems. I couldn’t ignore them any more. Ignore her. We needed to talk and resolve things, no matter how much I dreaded the conversation.
I turned my phone back on. An influx of text messages overtook my device, as well as several voicemails.
Panic set in when I read them. Oh, dear God. What was going on? I opened up one of the voicemails and placed the phone to my ear.
At first, I couldn’t hear much. I thought perhaps it was a pocket dial, but then I heard it. Heard Tatiana, crying, sobbing, calling out for me. Begging for me. My heart literally broke, pain burning my insides.
I’d never heard her like that before. Never heard her voice filled with so much pain. So much desperation. So much agony. Something must be wrong. Something must have gone horribly, horribly wrong. Tatiana was the strongest woman I’d ever known. For her to beg for me…
There were other voices. A man telling her to push. A woman asked if there was someone else she could call for her. All while in the background Tatiana cried…for me. She said my name over and over again, each time like a knife through the heart.
She was in labour? Fuck. She was in labour, and she called me and…I ignored it. What had I done?
I started the car and sped down the road, my tires screeching. One of the text messages said she was at Saint Royal Hospital. It was only a few hours away.
As I drove, I tried calling back. Relief filled me when she answered.
“Tatiana? Tatiana, are you there? I’m on my way. I’m coming.”
“H-hello. This is Maureen.”
I swerved erratically through traffic, trying as hard as I could to get there fast without killing myself. “Where is Tatiana?”
“She’s…here.” When she said nothing else, I exploded.
“Put her on the phone!”
The woman yelped in surprise at my outburst but I didn’t care. “Darling, here. He answered. He’s on the phone.” Was she talking to Tatiana? Why wasn’t she responding?
I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to soften my voice. “Tati?”
Still nothing.
“What’s going on?” I demanded. “Why isn’t she talking?”
“I-I’m incredibly sorry, sir—”
“Sorry? Sorry for what? She’s okay, isn’t she?” Please, God, tell me she’s okay. If she wasn’t…if something happened to her…if she died…
I shook my head. If she died, I’d follow her.
“Tatiana is okay,” Maureen said, and I released a huge sigh of relief.
“And the baby?” When there was no answer, I asked again, more firmly. “And. The. Baby?”
“You should get here as quickly as you can.” Then she hung up.
No. No, no, no. I threw the phone and punched the steering wheel, slamming my foot down on the accelerator.
My mind was going crazy, coming up with different scenarios, each one worse than the one before it. She was only eight months pregnant. It was too early for her to be in labour.
Guilt overwhelmed me. Why? Why did I ignore her calls? Why did I turn off my phone?
When I got to the hospital, I drove right up to the front doors and jumped out of the car, leaving the driver’s side door wide open and the engine still running. I bolted inside, looking around frantically for some sort of nurses station or reception desk.
A woman standing in front of a set of double doors saw me and her eyes widened. “Are you Nikolai?”
“Yes.” I rushed over. “Where is she? Where is Tatiana?”
“This way.” She pushed a button on the wall and the doors swung open. I followed her, right on her heels, so close I was practically her goddamn shadow.
Why is she walking so damn slow? Hurry up!
Worry clutched at my chest, a building pressure making it hard for me to breathe, to calm down. God, why didn’t I just answer her fucking calls?
Eventually, she stopped in front of a closed door and turned to look at me, her eyes filled with sadness. “I feel I should probably prepare you—”
I don’t have time for this.
“Move.” I pushed her out of the way and opened the door, walking in.
Tatiana was sitting up in the bed, slowly rocking back and forth as she stared at the small little bundle in her arms. She was alone. There was no else in the room, except for them. A blanket covered her lower half and she was still wearing her street clothes, not a hospital gown. Whatever happened must have happened quickly. Her hair stuck to her forehead, drenched in sweat.
The relief I felt at seeing her alive and well was short-lived.
She didn’t acknowledge me, didn’t lift her head to look at me. She just kept staring down at the baby in her arms, like they were the only two people in the world.
I moved closer, approaching her like a skittish animal. “Tati?”
Nothing.
“Tatiana?”
She didn’t move, didn’t speak. She just rocked back and forth, back and forth. I stopped at her side and looked down at the baby.
He looked exactly like…me. God, he looked exactly like me. The dark hair. The nose. The lips. There was no denying it, no second guessing it. There was no doubt in my mind that he was my son.
“He’s beautiful,” I whispered, rubbing his head affectionately.
Love burst in my chest, so strong that it rocked me. How could I love someone I only just met so much? How was it possible he consumed so much of my heart already? One look…that was all it took. One look to know that I’d die for this little boy. I’d give my life a thousand times over—
“Why isn’t he moving? Is he sleeping?”
Tatiana still didn’t speak. I hunched forward, trying to catch her eyes, and what I saw made me stiffen. They were empty. No light or life. Just…emptiness. Pure emptiness.
I reached forward and cradled her jaw softly, turning her face towards me. “Tati.” Her eyes connected with mine and it was like getting stabbed in the heart. Those gorgeous hazel eyes I loved so much were dull and lifeless. She looked…broken. It was like her body was there but her mind was gone. I could feel her, see her sitting there right in front of me, and yet, she wasn’t there at all.
My eyes moved to the baby in her arms and the pieces clicked together. “No.” I shook my head, refusing to believe what I knew was already true. “No.” My legs gave out and I crashed to my knees, a pain unlike anything I’d ever experienced before splitting my heart wide open.
How? How did-what? I couldn’t think. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. My son. Oh, God, my son. The pain…the agony…the guilt. It twisted inside me, clawing at my chest.
My eyes rose to Tatiana. My beautiful, strong Tatiana, who still hadn’t moved, still hadn’t talked. I knew in that moment that I had to be strong for her. I couldn’t crumble. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me—something I would never forgive myself for—but I could be there for her now. I could be her rock and hold her up. She needed me. It would be my time to crumble later.
That time came the following night when I got home from the hospital. I’d driven home on autopilot. To be honest, I couldn’t even remember the drive. I could barely remember what happened after discovering our son had died.
I think I blocked the whole thing out because it was just too painful. All I remember was trying to be there for Tatiana. Holding her. Holding our son until the nurses had to take him away.
I remember they had to literally pry him from my arms because I didn’t want to let him go. I remember Tatiana screaming for them not to take him. To take her instead. I remember her crying on my shoulder, clutching at me, begging me to make the pain stop.
Then, her sadness switched to an anger so swift, I hadn’t been prepared when she attacked me. She punched me, kicked me, screamed at me. And I took every blow… because I deserved it. One second she was begging me to hold her, and the next she was begging me to go, telling me she never wanted to see me again.
I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t. But I couldn’t take the way she was looking at me. The contempt in her eyes, the hurt and the betrayal. I couldn’t take it. It ripped out what was left of my already-shattered heart.
When her father arrived at the hospital, I did what she asked and left.
“Nik?” There was a knock on the driver’s side window. “Nik, what are you doing just sitting in the car?”
Is that Aleksandr? I didn’t know. It sounded like him.
I was drowning in a sea of black, thick darkness. It surrounded me and smothered me. It wanted to drag me under and crush me. I wanted to let it.
“Nikolai?” The door opened. Hands grasped my face. “Hey. What’s going on?”
I could hear his words, hear the worry in his voice, and yet I couldn’t respond. I was sinking further and further into the abyss, that ache in my chest consuming me to the point that I couldn’t see anything but my son’s face.
My beautiful son.
What if I didn’t ignore Tatiana’s call? What if I had been there? Would it have made a difference? Would my son be alive right now, in my arms, if I hadn’t been the world’s biggest asshole? If I had been there for Tatiana those last few months? Not caused her all that unnecessary stress?
Would he?
Would he?
The pit in my stomach grew bigger. The crushing, inescapable weight of shame and guilt all but consuming me. Devouring me. Stealing my breath. My words. My ability to move or think. I was dragged out of the car. Somehow, my legs worked. I don’t know how. I couldn’t feel anything. I was…numb.
“Nikolai. You’re scaring me. Hey. Hey!” Was he shaking me? My body was moving back and forth like I was being shaken. “Nik? Nik?!” A hand slapped my cheek and the blow was like ice water to the face, waking me up.
My eyes snapped to Aleksandr, who was holding my head in both hands, staring at me with fear lying deep in those blue orbs. Everything came crashing into me at once. The pain. The loss. The grief. What I’d done.
The guilt. Oh God, the guilt.
It was too much. It was all too much.
I wailed, a loud, piercing cry that rang out into the night, echoing into the trees. My legs gave out, like they couldn’t hold me up anymore, and I went crashing to the ground.
“Whoa-Nik.” Aleksandr tried to catch me, his arms wrapping around my body, but it was too late. We fell to our knees together.
I screamed again and again. Over and over. My hands scratched at my chest, trying to relieve the pressure I could feel smothering me.
Make it stop. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop.
Aleksandr was trying to talk to me but I just kept screaming. Crying. I hunched inwards, wrapping myself up into a ball, and sobbed.
“Ahhhhhhh!!!!” I wailed. My voice went hoarse but I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop screaming.
Tears fell, only to be replaced with more. My whole body shook as I cried and Aleksandr held me, begging me to tell him what was wrong, but I couldn’t. I could do nothing but scream as the agony ripped me apart from the inside out. I could do nothing but cry for my son.
“Oh, Nik.” The feel of Illayana’s arms wrapping around me pulled me from the past. “I don’t know what to say.”
I took a deep breath, trying to reign in my emotions. The pain was still there, even to this day. It never went away. I learned to live it, but it was always a constant ache in my chest. Always.
I patted her on the back and cleared my throat. “Are we done talking about this now?” I hoped we were. There was only so much I could take. I loved my son, but thinking of him brought me so much pain I just wanted to let the darkness swallow me up and never let me go.
She sniffled and leant back, wiping tears from her eyes. “Yes. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to relive that.”
“You’re forgiven…if you sort things out with Tatiana.”
She nodded. “I will.”
“Good.” I got to my feet and offered her a hand. “Now, I’m hungry. Should we go and see what’s in the fridge?”
“Yes. Please.”
We chatted a little bit as we made our way down the stairs. When we stepped into the foyer, there was a knock on the front door.
“I’ll get it,” she said, stepping towards it. “You go see if there’s any chocolate cake left.”
I snorted. “I doubt it. Lukyan would have eaten it all.”
“He better fucking not have!”
Shaking my head, I turned and headed for the kitchen.
“Arturo! You’re here!” I heard Illayana greet as I fished through the fridge. I was right. Lukyan had eaten it all, the jerk. There was a bag of M&Ms though. I shrugged.
Close enough.
I ripped open the bag with my teeth and started eating them as I made my way back to the foyer. Arturo was standing in the doorway, his brother at his side with an arm in a sling. Bruises marred their faces. They looked like they’d both been in a massive fight.
Arturo’s gaze snapped to me and the look in his eyes made me stiffen. Illayana turned and tears were streaming down her face. Something bad had happened.
I dropped the bag of M&Ms. “Where’s Tatiana?” I asked, voice cold.
Arturo stepped into the house. He licked his lips, trying to pick his words carefully. “Our trap for Franco had to be moved forward—”
“Did I ask about Franco or did I ask about Tatiana?”
Arturo’s jaw clenched.
“Where is she, Arturo? Where is Tatiana?”
He stood a little taller and cleared his throat. “Franco has her.”
I stared at him, his words swirling around in my head. A dark anger settled over me and I roared, lunging for him.
