The low strains of jazz playing from my phone lull me into a false sense of security. Lucian runs around the kitchen beside me while I prepare him a meal. He’s just returned from my father’s with Gianna, who is rattling around somewhere upstairs.
Xander’s chef could get him something to eat, but cooking the meal relaxes me even though it also tires me out. The aroma of pasta and meatballs hanging in the air makes my stomach queasy.
Bad enough that I am almost considering inviting Hailey in to continue the meal when he skids to a stop beside me and hugs himself to my waist.
I bend towards him to sink my nose into his hair. I inhale deeply, the smell of his shampoo calming me a bit. I nod at his chair. ‘Go sit.’
He gives me a long look before sliding into the chair. ‘Can I have pizza today, Mom? Please?’
He always asks. I wonder if his brother or sister inside me will love the meal as much as he does.
My stomach squeezes almost painfully tight, and I jerk away from the thought. I have no idea if I’m pregnant yet. Xander still hasn’t returned home since morning. I’m starting to worry he just might not come back for a few days.
I worry at my bottom lip, sinking my teeth into the soft flesh. I shake my head at Lucian, who sticks out his own lips. ‘Okay. Only if you eat all the pasta. Everything. How was school?’
‘Fun. Can I watch Paw Patrol now?’
I nod and watch as he darts from the room, screaming on his way to the living room. I wince at the loud sound and finish his meal, alone with my thoughts.
I feel like an alien in my own body. Uncertain what to do or feel or be with myself. This morning hadn’t ended the way I’d expected it to. Xander had left the house after our argument, and I’d considered going for the test myself and then decided against it.
He wanted to do it. Then he could do it. I turn off the stove and remove the pot from the heat, but I don’t feel any better now than I had when I’d started boiling the pasta.
I splay my hand across my stomach, leaning against the kitchen counter for a second. This time feels different, maybe because he knows so early on, maybe because it’s hurting even worse this time.
Gianna’s footsteps sound beside me, and I lift my eyes to meet hers. I straighten and find a plate from the brown hardwood cabinet in the kitchen, putting together a meal for Lucian. I hold it out to her. ‘Can you take it to him?’
She nods and takes the plate from me. ‘You’ve been lost in thoughts for an entire minute. That’s a block of time you can’t get back, you know.’
I pour a glass of orange juice from the fridge and find a tray to place it on. ‘Yeah. I don’t want it either.’
She takes the tray from me and is gone a few minutes. She finds me in the kitchen again, my hands kneading my stomach. ‘What’s worrying you? You’ve sort of been lost all day.’
The cold feeling tumbling through me is like a river of ice. I have a baby growing inside me and a reluctant father. I don’t need the test to know. My periods are pretty consistent. That queasy, rubbery feeling in my stomach is all too familiar.
I’m pregnant and this time around, I don’t know how to feel about it. The option of running away is not available. Xander would find me in any and all extremities of the earth. Not when he knows about his child this time around.
I stifle a laugh that tingles at my throat. ‘I’m fine, Gianna. I promise.’
Gianna rolls her large eyes. ‘No you’re not. Come on. What’s wrong?’
She drags me to the kitchen island and pushes me into a chair there. I sit, tottering between tears and the maniacal laughter still scratching at my chest. ‘We had a fight.’
She slants her head towards me. ‘I’m guessing we means you and Xander?’
‘Yes.’
Her concern filters into her voice. ‘What was it about?’
‘I don’t know. I have no idea why. I don’t think he trusts me anymore, Gianna. I don’t know how to convince him to forgive the past.’
‘He’s Xander. Has there ever been a time when he trusted another human?’
I scratch at the table. He once trusted me. Back when I’d been deserving of it. What kind of home would I be creating for a baby if the very man whose baby I am carrying has no trust in me?
My answer is as simple as it is sharp. ‘There was.’
‘Then there will be again. Look, what’s biting at you? Something obviously is.’
I shake my head and back away from her, find my phone and make it to my room, our room, closing the door softly behind me. I crossed into the bathroom, undressing as I went, increasing the sound of the music pouring from my phone.
I don’t want to talk about anything. Not right now. Not with the potent medley of anger and pain rocking through me. His words this morning had hurt. I could admit that much, at least. His anger had stoked mine. The short moment gone with the content of my stomach.
Our fathers would be pleased, at least. He had been right about that. But a baby isn’t supposed to be happening now. Not with the way things were currently in the air.
I move around the bathroom, making myself a bath, heating the water until it’s almost too hot to bear. I pour some soothing lavender body wash and oil into the bath water and then slip into the warm water, laying my head against the rim of the bath and wishing I’d thought to get some wine to drink.
Except I can’t drink wine anymore, can I? Not for the next nine months, at least. I tip my head back, sliding back until I’m completely submerged in the warm water, praying the lavender manages to soothe me soon.
I close my eyes and hold my breath underwater. My lungs start burning pretty soon, and I sit up, coughing and choking as I drag air into my lungs. I realize I’m crying, fat tears cutting a line on my face like a train on a track.
I wipe the tears and sink back into the water, my skin burning from the heat. I place my hands over my stomach, but this time, the warmth from the water reminds me of the heat I’d felt when I’d first held Lucian in my arms.
This baby will not be any less loved. I smile as I remember the way he’d wound his fingers around my thumb, his eyes squeezed shut as cry after cry had broken from his small lips, the sound startlingly loud despite the tiny bundle of joy it had been coming from.
I must have fallen asleep in the water because when I wake, it is to the sound of footsteps in the bathroom. I throw my arms over my breasts and dart my eyes to the dark shadow staining the doorway.
Xander has his gaze on my body and looks down to find that all the bubbles in the bath are gone. The water is a clear stream, barely hiding anything from his wandering eyes.
The heat in them sear at me, and I allow my hand to fall away. His eyes caress my skin as they skim my body, my stomach, the curve of my hips, the junction of my thighs, and then back up past my navel, past my breasts, and then up to my eyes again finally.
I shudder. A quick quiver of my body as though someone has stepped over my grave. He walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. The click of the lock has me sitting up, the water swishing all over me.
‘What are you doing?’
He settles beside me and rolls his hand through the water so it stains the cuff of his dark shirt. He cups my hips through the water and then just stares at his hand against my body. I can’t breathe, I don’t move. I want to but I can’t seem to break the spell he’s weaving.
He meets my questioning eyes. ‘I hurt you this morning, didn’t I?’
My heart beat spikes as though I’ve taken a plunge from a hill. ‘Why would you think that?’
An emotion that I can’t read swarms his gaze. ‘Your eyes. They looked bruised. As though I’d stomped on them.’
He stands and removes his shoes then slips into the bath water, fully clothed and I feel how cold the water has become. As cold as he was this morning. ‘What do you want me to say to that Xander? I had no idea I was pregnant. I mean, we’re still not certain I am.’
He drags me against him, turning me around so my breasts push into his chest, the fabric of his shirt scratching against my nipples. ‘I’m sorry, il raggio di sole.’
It’s the first apology coming from him that I have no doubt he means. I bend my forehead and let it drop against his. He presses his into mine. ‘You hurt me a lot. A whole fucking lot than you should be able to Xander. I didn’t get pregnant to make our fathers happy.’
He nods and whispers against my lips, his breath intoxicating like aged whiskey. ‘I know. I was fearful. Worried I’ll ruin it as always, and I went ahead to do it anyway.’
I pull back an inch, and he lifts his head to meet mine again. I smile softly. ‘You love Lucian. How could you worry about that?’
He tips his head so his nose rubs up against mine, the action so sweet that my heart rolls in my chest. ‘You already brought him up to receive love, Sole. That had nothing to do with me. He’s lovable just by existing. How could anyone not love him?’
I wring my arms around his neck and grind into him. He groans and locks his arms around my waist. I slip a hand between us and pull his belt off gently, the air between us tender with heat and energy.
His pulse racks harder, a vein throbbing in his throat that I bend my head to lick at, sliding my tongue all the way over the pulse. He inhales sharply, his eyes darkening and going flinty with lust.
He lets me go to curl his fingers over the edges of the tub as though giving me permission to do with him as I want. I go soft with need. ‘You look like a lord surveying his kingdom.’
An indolent look crosses his face and he smirks. ‘Chicago belongs to me. And so do you. You’re not much farther from the truth.’
I laugh, the sound exploding from my chest and taking with it the tightness that had resided there all day. It’s insane that he’s able to heal the pain that he had caused himself.
Being vulnerable with me this way is all the antidote I needed for the hurt. I drag his pants down his legs, brushing my palms over his firmness through his shorts.
I stroke him, stoking a fire between us that flares in his gaze. ‘And you’re mine, aren’t you?’
His throat moves again, a promise in his eyes. ‘Anytime you want Sole. Any fucking time.’
I fist him, stroking from the base of his cock to the tip, grateful for the clear water so I can watch the way he thickens and lengthens in my grasp, grateful for his open eyes so I see the way his feverish, hungry eyes feast on me, needy with the way he hisses and grunts when I tighten my hands around his balls.
‘Think I can get you off this way?’
‘Honey you just keep doing that and there won’t be any question of the fact.’ He growls the words.
I sit back in the water and wish I could have him between my lips, suck his girth between my hungry lips. But I can’t so I pump faster, drag my fingers up and down him, bending to him so he grazes his fingers up my sides, ghosting them over my nipples, while I jerk him off.
I pump faster and faster until soon, he’s pushing himself into the cup of my palms as I massage his balls again, as I beg him to cum for me, as I suck at his lips, my hands between us pleasuring him.
He jerks once, his entire body going stiff under me, his eyes blinking close as he groans loudly, capturing my lips with his to stifle his groan. I swallow it, kissing him back as I stroke faster, sinking my teeth into his lower lip as I slide my fingers down over the tight bunch of muscles at his ass.
His eyes snap open fast, and the fire in them burns brighter as I press my fingers into the muscles and he comes, spilling his seeds over my fingers, the water washing them off before I can think of licking them off me.
His chest rises and falls, and watching this lumberjack of a man coming undone from my hands is enough. I stroke him once more and let him go. I lie back against him in the tub and let him stroke my sides with his gentle fingers.
It is almost twenty minutes later, when the water is so cold I almost shiver that he steps out of it, his clothes dripping. He watches me, a soft glow in his eyes as he undresses, dropping the clothes into the water in the tub.
I allow my eyes to trail over the hard ridge of his flat stomach, over the thickness of his thighs as he drags the pants down. When he’s naked, he turns away and walks from the bathroom, dripping as he goes. I watch his tight ass, my core melting.
He’s got to be the most desirable specimen I’ve seen. Actually to be honest, he’s the only male specimen I’ve seen this way. I like it that way.
He returns to the bathroom with a towel which he hands to me. I lift my eyebrows at him and he bends to the floor, sweeps his arms into that water and lifts me up against him. Then when I think he’ll towel me off, he nods at the towel again.
I giggle, and he laughs. And my heart feels like it just might explode in that moment. The laughter leeches from me when he holds out the pregnancy test I hadn’t noticed he’d been carrying this whole time.
‘You should try it.’
I nod. I know I should but I hesitate a second before taking it from him.
The plastic wrapper crinkles as I open it, revealing the stick that holds the key to so many unanswered questions. I glance at Xander, who is watching, his expression almost hopeful.
The silence between us is palpable, so thick I could cut it like cake.
I follow the instructions, peeing on the stick and carefully placing the test on the counter. The minutes drag on, each tick of the clock I can’t see almost echoing in the small room. The only other sound is the rhythmic beating of my heart, quickened by the unknown.
Xander takes my hand and drags me against his front and I snuggle into him, sinking my head into his shoulders and closing my eyes as we wait.
As the seconds pass, I can’t help but steal glances at the test. The control line appears first, a reassuring sign that the test is working. But the second line, the one that will change everything, takes its time to materialize.
The quiet tension in the room amplifies the rustling of the shower curtain and the insistent hum of static. I keep my eyes fixed on the test, unable to tear them away now they’re open. Xander’s gaze never leaves my face, his presence a grounding force in the uncertain moment.
Finally, the moment of truth arrives. A faint, yet unmistakable, second line emerges on the test. A surge of emotions floods through me – disbelief, joy, fear, and excitement all at once. I look up at Xander, and our eyes lock in a shared realization.
I’m pregnant. I’m carrying his baby. There’s a new child nestled in me in this moment. I run my fingers over my stomach and then bite my lip to hold back the surge of emotions.
Ecstasy engulfs me as I fling myself into his arms, the positive test forgotten on the counter. His strong embrace envelops me, locking me in a tight hug. I can feel the warmth of his chest against mine, the steady beat of his heart echoing the newfound rhythm of ours.
Xander sweeps his hand over my bare ass, then drags it up my sides and locks them around me again, pressing a kiss to my wet hair. His words are simple and soft. ‘Thank you Sole.’
