Cason
I watch as Lily sleeps, her head resting on my chest and her hand settled over my heart. She’s small and beautiful, and it’s all I can do to try to find a way to keep her and my son safe. But I’ve never been able to do this. The one person I wanted to keep safe I couldn’t. I can’t let that happen again.
The irony of who I am and what I’m trying to do doesn’t escape me. I’m a killer who never shed a tear over my victims. Now, suddenly, I need to find a way to ensure Lily and Lukas are kept out of harm’s way, and I don’t know how.
A tiny chuckle escapes from my throat at the idea of harm’s way. I’m harm’s way. Maybe they should be protected from me.
Shaking my head, I push that thought out of my mind. No. That leaves only finding a way to make sure Victor never touches them.
His text replays in my mind like some sadistic loop I can’t stop. I should have never read the damn thing. Not that it would matter. I know how this business works.
I’ll be expecting you today to let me know about Michael. Things between us won’t be finished without that first. Whatever else I am, I’m still your father, and with that comes rights.
Rights. I know what that means. That’s his way of saying he’ll never let me go.
I’ve sat here for hours trying to escape the obvious answer how to change that. I swore never to turn on him. He’s my father, the head of the Varens family. He’s blood. Not like Michael was related to me by some miserable coincidence but my father, the man who raised me.
And even with all of that, I know what I have to do. If I can’t kill him, at least I can stop him.
Lily moves, and I feel her warm breath skitter across my skin. As I watch her, she tilts her head toward me and smiles.
“What time is it? Did Lukas wake up yet?” she asks in a dreamy voice.
“Around seven. I didn’t hear him.”
She sits up off me, and the last touch of her body leaves mine. Pushing her hair off her face, she tries to wake up. “How long have you been up?”
With a shrug, I lie. “Just a few minutes.”
Lily’s gaze scans my face. “Then why do you look like you’ve been awake for hours?”
“Clean living? Healthy diet?” I say with a chuckle.
But my joke falls flat, and her beautiful mouth turns down into a frown. “Were you up all night?”
My smile fades to a frown to match hers, and I nod. “Sleep is overrated anyway.”
For a moment, she’s silent and I know she’s listening for the baby. When she doesn’t hear anything, she throws her leg over mine and straddles my hips. The sadness in her expression is gone now, replaced by a sweet look in her eyes.
She cradles my face and then leans down to place a small kiss on my lips. Against them, she says, “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Of all the people in our little drama, you never did anything wrong.”
And right there is the painful truth of all of this. My father did wrong. I did wrong. Lily never did a single thing wrong, but she and our son are forced to pay.
“I wish a lot of things never happened, Cason, but not us. Not us. Don’t ever think I regret being with you.”
Looking away, I say what I know is the truth, even if I don’t want to believe it. “You should.”
“Oh, Cason, they really did fuck you up, didn’t they?”
I hate the sadness in her voice. Cringing at how she sees me, I shake my head and try to play it off as nothing. “Just who I am.”
“No, it isn’t. Don’t believe that.”
Fuck. She’s too close and too real right now.
“Look at me, baby.”
“Stop.”
Her fingers grab my face to make me look at her. “Cason, please.”
The way she says that makes me feel like she’s got my heart in her hand and she’s squeezing the life out of me. I fight her for a few moments more and then turn to face her.
“Don’t do this.”
“Do what? Try to make you see you’re not just that killer your father wants you to be? Why?”
Her dark eyes stay fixed on mine, and right there I’m laid bare for her to see. “Because it’s like you said. I’m fucked up.”
I don’t know why I don’t stop this whole thing right now. She does something to me that makes me think everything will be okay, but then when I know she sees me, like she can look into my soul, I can’t stand it because if she sees the truth, then we can never be okay.
“Do you love me?”
She asks that so plainly, so honestly that I don’t know what to say. Maybe I don’t know what love is. I thought about her every day and every night for all those months we were apart. Is that love? I killed my half-brother for Victor because I wanted to believe she’d be safe, no matter how much I worried that wouldn’t be enough. Is that love? Whenever she’s around me, I wish I wasn’t the man I am and we could have that happily ever after she deserves. Is that love?
I don’t know, so I look away and shrug like love means nothing to me. “I don’t know what love is. You can’t be a killer and be loving people.”
My words are fucking lies.
“I don’t believe any of that, so I’ll ask you again. Do you love me?” she asks, this time more insistently.
When I don’t answer, she balls her hands up into fists and pummels my chest. “Why can’t you just answer me, Cason?” she screams. “Answer me, damnit! Do you love me?”
Her punches feel like tiny taps against me, barely registering, but the hurt in her words stabs into me. I turn to look at her and see tears rolling down her cheeks, shredding what’s left of my defenses.
“Is being willing to die to make sure you’re safe love? Then yes, I love you. You take up all the fucking space in my brain. You have since the day I met you. But I am that killer you don’t want to see in me, so maybe I don’t get to feel love like you do.”
When I stop talking, she smiles and kisses me. Her salty tears roll onto our lips, but she doesn’t stop to dry them.
“Cason, I know what you are and still I love you. Please don’t shut me out.”
I push her hair off her face and stare into her eyes red-rimmed from crying. “I don’t know if you want to be inside me. It’s all hardened over in there for so long that I don’t think someone as soft as you could survive. Then I think about you with someone else and I feel like everything is falling away and I want to be the kind of man you need. But what if who I’ve been for so long means I can’t be that?”
“Do you think I fell in love with you and didn’t know what you were? But I also know what you are with me. Somewhere inside you is kindness. I’ve seen it and felt it. Don’t take that away from me.”
“I promise I’m going to do whatever I have to so you and Lukas are safe.”
Because she’s good, she believes that’s my way of saying I’ll stay with her and our son. It’s not. It’s just the promise I plan to keep, do or die.
Now that I know what I have to do, it could be either.
Lukas makes a noise in his bedroom down the hall, so Lily rolls off me to go to him. I catch her by the hand to stop her before she gets away and force a smile.
“I have some things I have to do today. I’m going to have my cousin Jaxon watch over the house. Don’t go anywhere without telling him.”
Worry draws her eyebrows in toward her nose, but all she does is nod. She’s learned not to ask what those things are that I have to do. All the better. She’s too good to be tainted by the reality of them.
“Will you come see Lukas before you go?”
“Yeah. I’ll be right there.”
As she leaves me sitting alone in bed, I take a deep breath in and resolve myself to the fact that this morning may be the last time I ever see my son and Lily, and all I can wonder is what she will tell him about me when he’s old enough to ask about his father. Knowing her, the answer will be far too sweet to be honest.
Ryker answers his phone immediately, a hint that he’s been waiting for me to call. “Cason, where are you?”
“I’m in my car. I need you to meet me at Victor’s estate. Things are going to be settled one way or another today with my father, but as the other head of the family, you need to be there.”
My words are met with silence for a long moment before he says, “Okay. Feel like giving me a clue about what’s going to happen?”
I put my foot on the gas and pass a car out on the country road leading from Lily’s house as I try to think of how to tell him. Better for Ryker to hear it when Victor does. “No, but trust me. I’ve got no other choice.”
Another pause tells me he understands, or at least he thinks he does. He’s known my father longer than I have, so maybe he does realize how he pushes people to do desperate things.
“Okay. I just want you to remember that no matter what it feels like now, Jaxon and I and the rest of the family are behind you on this.”
“Thanks. I’ll be there in an hour.”
The phone goes dead, and I toss it on the passenger seat. If I know Jaxon, he’ll be calling me in less than a minute after hearing what’s going down. He’ll probably want to be there, but I need him to watch Lily and Lukas for me.
As if on cue, my phone rings seconds later, and I see his name flash on the screen. We may only be cousins, but we’re more like brothers and he’s not going to want to see me go through this without him around.
I answer the call, but before I can even get the word hello out, he’s talking. “Ryker just called to let me know you’re going to see Victor. I should be there, Cason. He needs to see we all think what he’s up to is bullshit.”
“No. Someone has to watch over Lily and the baby. You’re the only one I can trust to do that.”
“I know. I’m five minutes away from the house, so don’t worry. I just feel like this is something he needs to see is an entire family thing. You know he’s going to try to pull that big brother crap on Ryker. He always does.”
Smiling because I know he’s right, I shake my head. “Ryker will remind him that he’s not ten anymore. It’ll be fine. Just promise me if anything happens that you’ll get Lily and Lukas to a safe place.”
“I promise, Cason. I know exactly where I need to take them to. You just be careful. Even with Ryker there, Victor isn’t going to take you defying him lying down. Michael and Scotch were a message, and you know it.”
His mention of my half-brother makes me wince. I know full well what Michael was. What he has always been in my life.
“Remember, keep her and Lukas safe, no matter what. If this goes sideways…”
The words get caught in my throat. I want to say tell her I love her, but she knows. I want to say make sure my son knows who I was and why I did what I did today. I don’t, though.
“Just fucking stop with the maudlin bullshit. Jesus, Cason. I think you read too much and it makes you like this. Just cut it out, all right?”
Jaxon can’t hide the worry that hangs off his words. I know how he feels. I’m going up against a giant and I barely have a fucking slingshot to fight him with.
“Okay. I know. Too much reading and too many documentaries. Got it. In the future, I’ll stick to working on being illiterate,” I joke, trying to break the tension of the moment.
He lets out a genuine laugh. “Exactly. No more books, you asshole. Stay stupid like the rest of us.” After a pause, he adds, “But stay smart today, okay?”
“Bye, Jaxon.”
Obstinate as ever, he chastises me for saying it like that. “Fuck that goodbye shit. Just say you’ll see me later, asshole.”
I smile at how much like a brother he is to me. “I’ll see you later, asshole.”
One more laugh and the conversation ends. Hopefully I do see him later.
I see Ryker’s car when I roll up the long driveway to the house on Victor’s estate. My heart begins to race at the sight of it, the reality of what’s about to happen pressing down on me. There are a few cardinal rules in our world, and I’m about to break one of them. Then again, killing family members is one of those rules, and Victor’s hit on his own son shows he doesn’t give a fuck about rules.
Stopping the car, I shut off the engine and take a deep breath. This is the way it has to be. Rules or no fucking rules.
I watch Ryker open up the driver’s side door and then see the passenger side door open. Did he bring Kane to this meeting? But he’s not family.
A dark haired man gets out, and I stare in shock to see him here. My Uncle Joseph may be a Varens, but he doesn’t get involved in family matters like this. He left the business years ago when he and my aunt had my cousin Sophie, and from what I’ve always heard, he swore to never be a part of it ever again after that.
I slam the car door shut and walk over to join them, unsure of what’s going on. My mind races with possibilities. Did Ryker bring Joseph to support me or to back up my father? He is, after all, his brother.
“Cason, I thought instead of having Jaxon here that we needed to bring out the big guns. How long has it been since you saw your Uncle Joseph?”
Studying the man standing next to him, I nod. “I was a little boy the last time, I think.”
He extends his hand to shake mine and returns my nod. “Your mother’s funeral, I’m sorry to say. You grew up to be just like Ryker here. Sorry to hear your father is acting like he is. I’m afraid power must have gone to his head.”
Turning to look at his brother, he smiles. “Not that either of us is surprised, but when it comes to an innocent girl and a baby, we have to draw the line. With any luck, he’ll see today that what he’s doing can’t go on.”
“He doesn’t know I brought Joseph, so the element of surprise belongs to us. Maybe that will be good,” Ryker says hopefully.
My uncles have no idea how much surprise will play a part in this meeting. I consider bringing them in on my plan, but this isn’t their choice. It’s mine and only mine.
Once again, that same dread covers me as I walk to my father’s office. Ryker and Joseph follow behind, but like always, I’m truly alone in how Victor treats me.
With a final deep breath, I step into the office and see him sitting behind his desk, the bassinette Lukas lay in still a few feet away beside him. I know what that means, and my dread morphs into simmering anger at the thought that he thinks my son will someday return to this place. No one else is in the room with us, but I know from experience it would take mere seconds for one of his men to join us, his gun drawn and aimed at my head.
My father’s eyes open wide when he sees his brothers file in behind me. His mouth falls open, but no words come out for a few seconds, a sign he truly is surprised.
“Are we having an intervention? Joey, they brought you out of retirement for this meeting? And Ryker, ever the doting uncle, I see.”
“Still the same man you’ve always been, aren’t you, Victor?” The way Joseph says that tells me there’s no love lost between these two brothers.
My father regains his composure quickly and grins as he asks, “How is Isabella? I was just thinking of her the other day.”
I glance over and see Joseph’s expression harden. “She’s fine, as always.”
“Be sure to tell her I said hello. It’s been too long since she and I saw each other.”
Joseph seethes at his suggestion. I’m not sure what about that upset my uncle, but it’s clear my father knows how to rankle him like he does with me.
Ryker and Joseph take their seats along the wall, and all I can think of is that’s how everyone looked at my mother’s wake. People seated in black chairs all along the side wall of the room at the funeral home quietly talking about how wonderful dear Cecelia was and how terrible it was she died so young from that horrible home invasion.
As if every person in that room didn’t know exactly what had happened to her and who did it.
“So, Cason. I’m intrigued about why your uncles are here with you since it’s quite obvious they aren’t here to catch up on old times with their brother.”
His words tear me from my memories of that night, and I focus on his face, the face of my mother’s killer and my tormentor. Whatever surprise he felt at seeing his brothers a minute ago has vanished, leaving that smug expression he so often wears when he deals with me.
“I did the job you wanted me to do, so our deal is set. You don’t bother with me, Lily, or Lukas ever again.”
The flat sound of those words shocks my ears. I know he doesn’t intend on living up to that deal, and what I have to say next is more explosive than anything I’ve ever considered uttering in my life.
Just as I expected him to, he shakes his head and laughs at my claim. “It never fails to surprise me that you’re so trusting, Cason. I would have thought my having your mother killed just a room away from you would have forced that out of you at a very young age. You’re my son, and no matter what my brothers here seem to think, I don’t plan on giving you up any time soon. With Michael’s untimely demise, you’re going to be more important than ever to the operations of this family’s business.”
I hear the shock register in my uncles, and a second later Ryker answers my father like I knew he would. “Cason is a Varens and works for this family. I’m not sure why that seems to escape your notice over and over. Whatever he is or isn’t to you, he’s still a loyal part of this family.”
My father scowls at him. “I’m so fucking sick and tired of hearing how wonderful Cason is since he’s started working for you. You don’t even have him killing, for fuck’s sake. How is that wonderful?”
Turning to look at me, Victor grimaces. “But you worked overtime yesterday, now didn’t you, son? I guess I should have known Scotch wouldn’t have been able to take you.”
“I have other men to do that,” Ryker answers, his tone utterly devoid of emotion. “Cason is family, so he deals with other work more suited to his place as a Varens.”
As much as my uncle is merely telling the truth, I can’t help but be thankful to hear him describe me like that. Victor has never in my entire twenty-eight years said anything like that about me.
“How nice,” my father says, rolling his eyes. “And let me guess. Joseph, you’re about to try to tell me how to run this family’s business, even after you’ve been gone from it for over twenty years. Am I right?”
“I left because of you, but all my time away doesn’t mean I don’t understand what our father would think of how you’re treating Cason. Even when Dmitri Varens forced me to work for him, he never treated me as badly as you do your own son. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since you had the other one killed. You’re a real fucker, Victor.”
“I thought you left because of that pretty little Isabella. At least that’s how I remember it.”
Joseph jumps up from his seat, but Ryker restrains him and shoots my father a nasty glare. “There’s something wrong with you, Victor. Going after women and children isn’t how we Varens do business. Enough of this bullshit. Pledge that you’ll uphold your end of the deal with your son and walk away from all of this before it’s too late.”
“Is that a threat, Ryker? We may be equals in this family, but I’m still the oldest son of Dmitri Varens. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.”
“I’m not that little boy you bossed around anymore, Victor. I may not run the business like you do, but never underestimate my devotion to family.” He stops and then adds, “Excluding some members at this moment.”
For all the years I worked for my father, I’ve never heard anyone challenge him like that. The shock in his face tells me he’s surprised by Ryker’s challenge, but now I need to do like my uncle has done and show him he can’t fuck with me anymore either.
“Enough!” I bellow, forcing Victor to focus on me. “If you won’t swear to live up to our deal, then you leave me no choice. I’ve worked for you for years, and I’ve seen more than I need to that would put you away for life. Come anywhere close to me, Lily, or Lukas ever again, and I’ll turn state’s witness and they’ll bury you so deep in the hole you’ll never inhale a breath of air as a free man again in this lifetime. Your choice, Victor.”
Nobody says a word for so long that I wonder if I really said those words. I’ve rehearsed them so many times in the past, but never before did I believe I could go through with my threat. Now that Lily and my son’s safety is on the line, it felt more natural than I thought possible.
“You’re bluffing. I know you, Cason. You’re your mother’s son. She never had the strength to take me down, and you won’t either.”
My father’s words come out shaky, like suddenly I’m someone he fears. Good. He should fear me. I have nothing to lose now, so I’m more dangerous than he can ever imagine.
“No bluff. I’ll do it and won’t even think twice.”
He laughs, but it’s forced. Beads of sweat break out on his forehead. Looking past me, he says, “You won’t do it because you’d bring Ryker down with me.”
Before I can say a word, my uncle answers, “I won’t be going down. The moment Cason tells me he’s going to the authorities, Kaia and I will be on a plane and leaving all of this behind. I’ve always been ready to disappear. That you aren’t shows you love this too much.”
“You son of a bitch,” my father mutters under his breath as all the blood drains from his face.
“It’s your choice. You can continue living your life and let me go free and clear, or you can wonder when the world comes crashing down around you if you ever bother anyone I love again.”
Victor’s mouth settles into a deep frown as he glares at me. “I bet you think you’ve got me cornered, don’t you? You turned my brothers against me, and now if I don’t promise to leave that pretty little thing and her baby alone, you’ll ruin my entire life. You really think it’s going to be that easy?”
“I think by the way you’re acting that you know I’ll do it.”
He thinks for a few moments and shakes his head. “You think they’ll give you a free ride after all you’ve done?”
“No, I don’t. But at least Lily and Lukas will be safe, even if I’m locked away.”
Ryker quickly adds, “You have no choice if you want to keep the life you love so much, Victor. All you have to do is let him go and never bother the girl or the baby again.”
“You all know all I have to do is press a single button under my desk and my men will be in here in a few seconds,” my father says, his voice shaky.
The bravado act isn’t working anymore.
“And you know that Ryker and Joseph didn’t come here unarmed, and I have my Glock ready to go. You don’t have another man who can kill like I can, and I don’t think you want to take a chance that the other two sons of Dmitri Varens don’t know how to kill. So what’s it going to be?”
“What makes you think I haven’t already sent someone to get the girl and the kid?”
For a moment, I freeze in terror. I can’t let him think he’s frightening me, though, and I know if any danger appears out at the house, Jaxon will keep Lily and Lukas safe.
“I may not want to be like you, but I’m not stupid. I’ve got them both under watch, so unless you plan on having your men kill your nephew, they’re safe.”
All Victor can do is shake his head. Looking past me, he focuses on his brothers and sighs in defeat. “Our father is spinning in his grave right now. My own brothers turning on me.”
“If only we could have Maxim here, maybe you’d understand how fucking far you’ve strayed off the path,” Ryker says.
The four of us remain silent after the mention of Jaxon’s father, and I see in Victor’s eyes he finally understands what’s happening. I know he doesn’t like it, but that means nothing now. His life and all the comforts it provides him mean more than his determination to make my life miserable anymore.
Shrugging, he sits back in his chair and tries to act like none of this matters. “Fine. I’ll live up to our agreement. Enjoy your life, Cason.”
Before I turn to walk out, I step forward toward his desk and stop just a few feet away from him. “Remember, if you ever try to get to either of them or me, I’ll do it. Don’t test me.”
“As will I, Victor. I can give this life up in a heartbeat. If you do anything to break your word on this, I’ll do it if Cason can’t. This vengeance on your son for whatever twisted reason you have ends right now,” Ryker says from behind me.
With one last attempt at hurting me, Victor forces a chuckle. “Thank God I have other sons. Maybe they won’t be such a disappointment.”
But his judgment of me stopped meaning anything a long time ago.
