“Trace” took me to a downtown high-rise. I woke up as we pulled into a parking lot. When he got out of the SUV, I waited. I couldn’t bring myself to move, not yet. The night’s events kept replaying over in my head. Over and over again.
What my aunt did, which was understandable.
It was not understandable that I helped cover it up. I didn’t report her, and that was on me. I was an accessory now.
My whole life would change from this day on. I knew it. I felt it. It was in the pit of my stomach, but as my body filled up with lead, there was a different sensation in me, and I couldn’t place it. I didn’t want to place it. It went against every moral value ingrained inside of me, why I became a parole officer.
I was so beyond fucked that I couldn’t comprehend it, and I knew that I would start losing focus.
The days would blend. The lines were blurred now and would continue to be blurred. All this would keep happening, every step I took after I walked out of that house, until the day I would no longer recognize myself, but still.
I lifted my head up and saw Trace watching me from outside the SUV. He’d stopped, but he hadn’t said anything. He was just waiting for me, and there was a look of understanding there, like he knew exactly what was going on inside of me.
A part of me liked that. A part of me hated that.
I loathed it, and yet I needed it. All at the same time, and that didn’t make me hate him, but it sure as hell made me despise myself.
The hard part of living in a world where it was either wrong or right was that you forgot that being human meant you were never only on one side of that equation. What did you do then? Apparently, what I did. You chose, and you tried to survive your choice.
With almost numb hands, a numb body, I unclipped my seat belt and got out.
Trace turned, and I followed.
He took me to an elevator.
When it arrived and we stepped inside, a voice came over the intercom. “Good morning, Mr. West. Is there anything you’d like?”
Trace studied me before hitting a button. “No, thank you.”
“Have a good rest of the day, Mr. West.”
“You as well, Gervin.”
It wasn’t long before we arrived. I was no longer expecting anything, so I wasn’t surprised when the elevators opened onto his apartment. It covered its own floor, with floor-to-ceiling glass walls that ran the entire apartment. He had a waterfall gradient island. A gas fireplace that was already running for him. His place looked like an industrial art gallery. It was chic, expensive, and manly, all at the same time.
“You slept the whole way back, but would you like a coffee? Or would you like to sleep more?”
I ignored him, walking past the living room and all the way to the wall. I could easily imagine that I was able to see the whole of Manhattan, we were that high up. The water was visible on two sides of his place, but I looked straight down. The street was so far beneath us.
I lifted my hands, fingers spread out, and touched my palms to the glass.
If I pushed hard enough, would it shatter? Would I fall?
A better question, was that what I wanted?
My aunt killed a man.
“Your men, on your orders, hid a dead body today. They did it fast and easy, and it’s very obvious they’ve done this before. You help with your family’s business. Am I wrong?”
I hadn’t arrested her. I hadn’t called it in.
I looked, seeing his jaw clenched. “At times, yes,” he clipped out.
“Illegal activities? That way of helping?”
Another jaw clench. “Not all the time.”
Right.
“Doing what I do, life is right or wrong. You’re either wrong, or you’re right. There’s no middle ground.” I took a breath. “Having said that, I do not want to ever know about what you do for your family. I cannot know. Do you get me?”
His eyes were blazing at me. “You just asked.”
I had.
I didn’t care. Shit was swirling in my head. Impending doom and shame were right behind it, going through me, filling me up, and I wished for a second, just a second, that I would shatter that glass.
Just for one second.
“My dad is dead.” I wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t know. “My brother was convicted for killing him. My mom’s a drunk, and because of her illness, she’s burned all her bridges with her family. That aunt is the first relative I’ve met in twenty years. I’ve had a few relationships during my life—most were just sexual. I’m twenty-nine years old, and during all of that serious shit, I loved being a parole officer. Which is surprising because it’s almost a joke now. New mission statements, new focus so even if a parolee violates, he’s given a new resource as a reward. Some rehabilitate. Most don’t, but they’re out there, and you can only hope they don’t hurt someone before they violate enough to go back in. Even with all of that frustration, I still loved my job. I loved the community, my coworkers, but today, all of that could be taken from me. The integrity I had, that was taken.” He hadn’t moved an inch since I started talking. “I don’t blame you, but I’m not an idiot. You guys were there for a reason. I’m aware my aunt’s abuser worked at a large shipping facility. But I don’t want to know why you were there, and I don’t need to know the reason. There’s no half-in and half-out. You’re not half of a criminal. You are a criminal, and today, I became one too.”
His eyes grew fierce, sparking from the emotion. He started for me. “I’m not going to speak about my family. The line is real fucking clear that you won’t be told anything, nor would the fuck I want to include you on anything. Instead, I’m going to give you a choice. It’s something you can offer to your aunt. We’ll help her disappear. Her and the kids. We’ll set them up in a new life, with money, assets. We’ll get her a job. We’ll make sure her family is healing and is starting to thrive before we pull our guys from watching her. I’m offering you that, for them, but also for you.”
“Why?” I grated out, my throat feeling so dry that there could’ve been cracks inside.
“Because you’re not the only one cursed here.” He took another step toward me. “And despite your derision, I still want to fuck the shit out of you. And because of that, because I can’t get you out of my head, instead, I’m trying to do something right for you.”
“What are you expecting in return?”
“Nothing.” He held both of his hands up, palms my way. “Jesus.”
“His disappearance will be noted.”
“It’s already handled. I won’t tell you the details, but we have a lot of people on our payroll.”
“They’ll look for her.”
“No.” His tone was so sure. “They really won’t. It’ll be assumed she vanished with reason. No one will look for her, not unless it’s you.”
A knot was in my throat, swelling up. “It’s so easy for you to make entire lives disappear? Just like that?”
“It’s not. It takes money, intelligence, and planning. A lot of planning. A lot of money. Your aunt is another sad story, but this time, she’s going to disappear of her own volition, not at the hands of him. Not this time. That’s all.”
His phone beeped, and he read the text. “She’s already decided. They’ll be gone by tonight.”
I sucked in my breath, rocking back by how much power was in that last statement.
An entire family, wiped out by his hands.
I started shaking my head, a sick panic beginning to fill me up. “What are we doing here?”
His eyes lowered, fierce. “You know what we’re doing here.”
Sex.
My body heated, instantly, but no. I shoved that down.
“No,” I clipped out, shoving everything down. I was moving, going around him. “I’m leaving. This conversation is over.”
“Jess.”
He was going for my arm. I knew it and anticipated it, and a part of me wanted to let him touch me. Wanted to let him pull me in, because he could. The power he had over me was spiking all my blood in fear.
But I couldn’t. So because of that, I moved out of his way. “After this, we are done. Do you hear me?”
I went to the elevator and pushed the button. When it opened, I stepped in. Staring straight ahead, not seeing him, not anymore, I hit the button for the main lobby.
I’d find my own way home.
