I watched the young female doctor in trepidation as she did the ultrasound. Samuel leaned against the wall next to me. I had ignored his outstretched hand and hadn’t said a single word since he’d entered the room five minutes ago. I couldn’t bear his touch right now. I was too agitated. With the doctor present, he couldn’t really say much either, which was a relief.
My anxiety spiked to unbearable levels as the seconds trickled by while the doctor checked on the baby when suddenly a heartbeat sounded. I smiled, hope banishing my acute fear.
“Is everything okay?” Samuel murmured as he straightened, the cold mask on his face slipping for the first time since he’d entered the room. His worry dulled my anger briefly, but I reminded myself of the close call we’d had today.
The doctor nodded before she gave me a small smile. “I can’t detect anything out of the ordinary. Your bleeding could have been the result of a hematoma bursting. This area”—she motioned at a darker area on the screen—“looks like a burst hematoma to me.”
“And the crash?” I whispered. I hadn’t hit the side of the car very hard, but I could feel a bruise blooming on my upper arm.
Samuel crossed his arms in front of his chest, the tension returning to his body.
“I don’t see any injuries. You don’t have a concussion either. We have to wait on the examination of your arm to see if it’s only bruised. But I think you were very lucky.”
Samuel met my gaze, the regret in his eyes melting through my anger. I bit my lip. There would be time to talk about all this later. My mind was still too chaotic. Samuel pushed the hospital wheelchair closer to the bed, and I lowered myself into it since we’d left mine at home. With my growing belly, it wasn’t as easy as it used to be, but I didn’t want Samuel’s help.
“Please proceed to your room for now. My colleague will come to see you very soon.” The doctor opened the door for us, and Samuel pushed me out into the corridor. Pietro was waiting for us. He gave me a tight smile before he leveled his gaze on Samuel, who still looked slightly disheveled. Nothing an outsider or someone who didn’t know him would notice, but it was obvious to his dad.
“How about you go freshen up and grab another coffee, and I’ll take Emma to her room.”
Samuel met my gaze. I kept my face straight. Maybe he hoped I’d ask him to stay, but I still needed a couple of minutes to let the relief sink in. Our baby was okay. The bleeding had been nothing serious, which made our almost catastrophic crash even more tragic. What if I’d lost the baby because of this? I didn’t even want to think about it.
Samuel brushed my shoulder. “I’ll be back soon.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to my forehead, surprising me with the intimate gesture in front of his dad. It showed how shaken up he was and that I didn’t shy back exposed how shaken I was too.
“Okay,” I clipped and watched him stride away. Strong and tall but a little broken. My heart wanted to forgive him, but I knew he and I would have to have a serious conversation and find a solution before that could happen.
Pietro took me to my room. My arm hurt, so hoisting myself up caused me more trouble than anticipated.
“May I?” Pietro asked, opening his arms.
I nodded with a small, embarrassed smile. Accepting help often still made me uncomfortable, especially with people I wasn’t very close to. Pietro was always very kind, but I wasn’t as close to him as I was to Ines. He was a reserved man like Samuel, so bonding took longer.
“I’m heavier than I look,” I joked.
Pietro chuckled. “And I’m not as old as I look.”
My eyes widened. “You don’t look old.” He was in his late fifties, with gray streaks in his brown hair to show for it, but he was in shape and as tall as Samuel.
He picked me up and lifted me into the bed. “There you go.” He met my gaze, and the mirth disappeared from his face, sadness and worry taking over. “Samuel feels horrible as he should. I don’t know what’s going on with him.”
“Guilt and loss,” I said quietly. “Denial.”
Pietro nodded. “He’s strong. He can handle it.”
I shook my head. I didn’t like contradicting Pietro. He was my father-in-law and the Underboss of the city, at least until January when Samuel would take over, but he was blind to the truth, like so many Made Men.
“He won’t be able to handle it on his own. Especially if he becomes Underboss in January. That’s even more weight that will be resting on his shoulders.”
“It was announced officially that he’ll take over in January. We can’t change it now without raising suspicions.”
I had feared he’d say that, and I knew Samuel would see it the same way.
“I know.”
“We’ll figure something out,” Pietro assured me. “Samuel needs you, and I think you need him.”
I nodded, then touched my bump. “And the baby needs me to protect it.”
“Samuel won’t ever do anything to risk your life or that of the baby again, I know it.”
Pietro’s phone beeped with a message, and he scanned it quickly, then looked back up.
“Your brother is on the way,” Pietro murmured. “Samuel told him about the crash.”
That wouldn’t go over well. Danilo would lose his shit on Samuel, and this time I couldn’t even blame him. “Does he know about the alcohol?”
Pietro’s lips tightened. “I don’t know, but I’m not sure if it’s wise to tell your brother this detail.”
I wasn’t either.
Fifteen minutes later, Danilo stormed into my hospital room. One look at his face told me things would be out of control soon. His eyes burned with fury. After he hugged me carefully, he straightened again. “Where is he?”
“Danilo, please calm down. We’re in public, and I’m fine,” I said, trying to avoid a huge scene. I wasn’t fine, not in the mental sense at least. The bruise on my arm would fade soon, but the almost crash would surely haunt my nights for a while.
The door opened at that moment, and Samuel stepped in. Danilo lunged at him and smashed his fist against Samuel’s face. Samuel shoved Danilo away but didn’t otherwise retaliate. His expression burned with guilt. I assumed that held him back. Pietro stepped between them. “Enough. Emma doesn’t need to see this.”
Danilo glowered at Samuel over Pietro’s shoulder. “I think she does. I think she needs to dump your sorry ass. You aren’t worthy of her.”
“This is between my wife and me,” Samuel said in a deadly whisper. A bruise was already forming on his chin.
Danilo walked toward my bed and pressed a kiss to my forehead before he turned to Samuel once again. “Emma almost died because of a drunk driver. She is in a wheelchair because of a drunk driver. And you fucking bastard get behind the wheel stinking drunk with her in the car? You could have killed her and the baby.”
Tears burned in my eyes, the heavy reality of the truth sinking in.
“I want a word with Emma,” Samuel said, his eyes locking on mine. His words had been a command, but his gaze asked me if it was okay.
I nodded. Danilo didn’t budge. “Don’t forgive him, Emma. Not for this.”
I swallowed hard, more tears gathering in my eyes. I’d always thought I’d never be with someone with an alcohol problem, but here I was. I squeezed Danilo’s hand. “Give us some privacy.”
Pietro stepped outside, and after a hard look at Samuel, Danilo followed him and closed the door.
Samuel lowered his head, his shoulders sagging. He shook his head, his eyes squeezing shut. “Danilo is right. You shouldn’t forgive me for this. Fuck, I’m a lying asshole who almost killed you and our child. I don’t deserve you, and I probably never will.”
“Not with the way you acted these past few months, no.” I shifted until I perched on the edge of the bed. I glared at him. “I’m so angry and disappointed. You promised, and you lied. Did you even try to stop drinking?”
He ran a hand through his hair, then winced. “I thought I could control it.”
“But you can’t! The alcohol is in control. How can I ever leave you alone with our baby if I have to be worried you can’t take care of it because you’re drunk.”
Samuel moved closer, grabbed my hands resting on my lap, and sank down on his knees. He kissed my knuckles and pressed his forehead against them. “There are no words to express how sorry I am. I hate myself more than you can ever understand, Emma. I know I shouldn’t ask you for this, but forgive me.” He peered up, his eyes locking on mine with almost feverish despair. “I can’t live without you.”
“I’m fine and so is our baby, but it could have ended very differently.”
“I know,” Samuel murmured, looking up with a haunted look in his eyes. He kissed my knuckles again. It was almost physically painful not to return his touch, not to fall into his arms, but I needed to be strong for past Emma and for our unborn baby. “I haven’t stopped thinking of what could have happened. Maybe it’s my fate to kill the people closest to me. I killed my friends, and I almost killed you.”
I glared. “Don’t blame this on fate, Samuel. This time, it was on you. Fate isn’t the problem. Your addiction is. You have to stop drinking.”
“I know,” Samuel said. “I love you more than anything.”
I swallowed, fighting the surge of emotions his declaration caused in me. Love declarations weren’t enough, not anymore. “More than alcohol?”
“Of course, more than anything.”
“Then let today be the last day you ever touch alcohol. You need to stop. No exceptions, not even at social functions or meetings with other Underbosses. No exemptions at all. You’re an alcoholic, and you can’t control it. I don’t want a single drop of alcohol in our house. I love you, Samuel. I love you so much, but that won’t stop me this time.” Tears blurred my vision. “I won’t watch alcohol destroy the man that I love. I won’t stand by and allow it to hurt our baby. And I won’t be lied to or allow you to endanger me because you think you can control your addiction. I have fought too hard for this life to allow anyone to destroy it. Not even the man I love.”
“Emma, I swear on everything I hold dear that I won’t drink ever again. You’re right.” He swallowed hard. “I’m not in control of this.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I thought I was too strong to become an alcoholic. But I’m not. I don’t fucking care if everyone finds out about my weakness as long as that means I can keep you.”
“You’re not weak for admitting you have a problem. You’re taking back control of your life. Fighting your addiction will be the hardest fight of your life, but it’ll make you the strongest version of yourself that you’ve ever been.”
Samuel pushed up to his feet and touched my cheeks. I could tell he wanted to kiss me, and part of me wanted him to, but I knew I needed to keep a certain distance until Samuel made good on his words.
“You can’t win this fight alone.”
“I have you, right? You have fought so many battles and won. You are all I need.”
I touched his cheek. “I’ll be by your side every step of the way, but it’s not enough.”
“You’re right. I’ll ask my father for help.”
I gave him a small smile. “You can do it. I believe in you.”
“For you, I will succeed.”
SAMUEL
Emma was supposed to spend the remainder of the night in the hospital to make sure she was okay. Danilo stayed with her. I didn’t like it, but Emma had made it clear that she needed some time to herself. I had fucked up.
If Emma or the baby had gotten seriously hurt, I would have never forgiven myself. Losing my friends would have been nothing in comparison. My pride had almost hurt the person I loved the most.
Dad kept glancing at me on our way home. Emma had asked me to spend the night with my parents so they could make sure I didn’t drink. Right this moment, I was still too furious at myself to drink, but I wasn’t sure how long that would last. I couldn’t deny my problem anymore. I had lied to myself and to Emma for far too long.
Exhaustion caught up with me. It was three in the morning, and I hadn’t slept more than fifteen minutes, but I knew I wouldn’t find peaceful sleep tonight.
“In only two weeks, you’ll take over from me.”
“That won’t change. My ability to do what’s required for the Outfit hasn’t suffered, and it won’t. I won’t admit to my problem in public. I only want the closest family to know. I need to appear strong.”
Dad nodded. “We’ll handle the situation as a family even though I wish we didn’t have to tell your mother. She’ll be worried sick.”
Guilt filled me. Mom had had enough reason to worry over the years. I hated to cause her additional turmoil.
I really didn’t want to see Mom’s reaction to the news—the shock, disappointment, worry, and sadness—but I knew I had to face this problem head-on. I’d ignored it for too long. I wasn’t a fucking coward.
“We have to tell her. I don’t want any more secrets. This problem won’t go away by itself.”
Dad sighed. “You’re right. Your mother is strong, and she’ll turn on her mother-bear mode once she hears about your struggles.”
My struggles. Even now, thinking about alcohol as that made me feel like a pussy. I should have been stronger than the addiction, but I wasn’t.
Mom was still awake when we came home. She wrapped me in a hug, checking the cut on my forehead that I still hadn’t let anyone treat. “How’s Emma?”
“She’s okay, but it could have been far worse.”
“What happened?” Mom asked.
“I lost control of the car,” I said. “I drank too much.”
Mom’s eyes widened. “Samuel! How could you? You know what happened to Emma. And what about the baby?”
“I know, Mom, trust me. I know I messed up, and it won’t happen again.”
Mom shook her head, her concerned eyes locked on mine. I could see the questions in them, questions she didn’t dare ask.
“I’ll have to grab something from the car,” Dad said. I had a feeling he needed a smoke. Maybe I should have picked cigarettes instead of booze to deal with my problems, but it had never been a conscious choice on my part. Addiction had crept up on me like a stealthy enemy I had never seen coming.
Once Dad was outside, I let out a sigh, wondering how to say what I needed to say. “It’s not the first time I was really drunk. I drink a lot. More than I should. More than I can handle. I’m not in control and haven’t been in a while.”
Mom listened with a pained look on her face, but she didn’t seem surprised by my words.
The words I needed to say stuck like glue in my throat, but I spat them out. “I’m an alcoholic.” Fuck, that admission was a punch in the gut. An addict. Being an addict felt like something that happened in dark alleys to people who had no future and no choices. Not to someone like me. Maybe that misconception made alcohol such a dangerous adversary.
Mom pulled me into a hug. I patted her back lightly. “It’s going to be okay, Mom. I’ll deal with it now. I won’t risk losing Emma over this.”
Mom pulled back, tears in her eyes. “I know you’ll beat this. We’ll help you.”
Dad came back in with a cautious look, and Mom narrowed her eyes at him when he pressed a kiss to her temple. “Maybe you too could try to give up on your addiction?”
Dad gave a terse nod. He smelled of smoke. He kissed Mom’s cheek. “Go to bed. It’s late. I’ll take care of Samuel’s wound.”
Mom reluctantly moved upstairs, and I followed Dad into his office, where he kept a first-aid kit. My eyes landed on the array of liquor bottles in the cabinet. Usually, I would have had a drink before getting stitched up. A voice in my head told me that one last sip wouldn’t hurt anyone, but I ignored it.
Dad narrowed his eyes at me. “Will this be a problem?”
I shook my head. “No. Not yet at least.”
Dad nodded slowly as he took out the strips to fix my cut. “Would an enemy be able to tempt you with alcohol under torture?”
“No,” I said firmly. I wasn’t sure of many things right now, but I wouldn’t break under torture because they waved a bottle of wine in front of me.
Dad nodded. “I’m still Underboss for the next two weeks, and I’ll keep a close eye on you to make sure you prove to Emma that you’re serious about becoming sober.”
Becoming sober. I hated how that sounded. But it was the reality of the situation. Fuck.
