Cason
My leg brushes against Lily’s, and a second later, her eyes open. I’ve been up for hours just watching her sleep. I didn’t want to wake her, but now that I have, I pull her close to me. She curls up against my chest, tucking her head under my chin.
“Do we have to go?” she asks.
So many questions in one person. From the moment I took her from her house, it’s been question after question. At first, I hated them. Then I simply didn’t understand her need for asking them. After that, they began to grow on me.
Now as I lay there holding her in my arms, I wonder what life will be like without all of Lily’s questions.
I shake my head and press a kiss against her hair. “Not yet.”
My answer is met with a sigh, and she crawls up my body so my face and hers sit next to one another on the pillow. “I thought this was the most disgusting place when I walked into this room two nights ago. Now I don’t want to leave it,” she says in a sad voice.
“Not yet. A few more hours.”
We haven’t left this bed for more than a few minutes each since that night. We sleep and then wake up and then she asks me the same question about having to go every time. For the first few, I answered her with a kiss that led to us getting lost in one another again. Then these last couple times, I held her as she drifted back to sleep, all the while knowing I wouldn’t be able to do the same because our time was quickly coming to an end.
I haven’t answered my phone since that night we stopped here. I know my father has called, but I don’t want to hear what happened with her father. If he paid, then she gets to go home and I get to return to my life.
If he hasn’t and his week is up, then I may be ordered to kill her after what I did with Doc. I’ve already promised her that won’t happen, but what will instead I have no idea.
That hasn’t been something I’ve let myself think about yet. For now, she’s here and safe with the one person who has sworn to not let anything hurt her. Not even me.
“Cason, what’s going to happen?”
When she says things like that in that innocent voice so full of fear, I know I have to lie. I have to tell her I will take care of everything because that’s what I promised. She’s probably figured out I’m not telling the truth when I say that, but she doesn’t want to know what’s really going to happen when we finally leave this motel room either.
I want to say that she’ll be safe with a father who makes friends with the wrong kind of people and I’ll stop being the killer I’ve always been. Neither one will be true, though.
“Your father will pay back the money, so you’ll go home and go back to your life,” I say quietly, hating that I’ll play no part in her world after today.
“What if he didn’t?” she asks, lifting her head to level her gaze on my face.
“Then he’s going to have to part with some of those plates of his,” I say with a chuckle, forcing myself to make a joke, even as I look at the black eye that asshole Doc gave her.
Lily falls silent for a few minutes, and I close my eyes, thankful I don’t have to continue with the charade of being happy about anything that’s about to happen. The only thing I know is she won’t be hurt. I won’t let Victor or anyone harm her.
Other than that, I don’t know.
My brain lost in the fog of how these are the last few hours for us, I hear her say, “Tell me about your parents. I told you about mine, so now you tell me about yours.”
“No. The story of my parents isn’t one of love or memories in keepsakes hung on walls.”
It’s one more suited to our fate, though.
Opening my eyes, I see hers practically begging me to give her this. “Please?”
Maybe if I tell her she’ll understand why I am like I am. Why there’s nothing but hardness in me. Why I can’t feel like I want to for her.
“There’s not much to say. My mother’s dead,” I whisper as she curls up closer to me.
I close my eyes again and the memory of the last time I saw my mother alive flashes through my mind as clearly as if it just happened a moment ago. Taking a deep breath in, I let it out in a rush and tell her the truth of my parents and their story.
“My father is a monster, like I told you,” I say, staring up at the water-stained ceiling above us. “He used her up, and then when he was done with her, he sent her away.”
Lily shakes her head, like she doesn’t want to hear any more, but I can’t stop now.
“He got a new wife when I was a little boy, so he didn’t have any use for her or me. When I was eleven, I don’t know why, but he decided he didn’t want her in the world anymore, so he had her killed. That house we were at was hers. I lived there with her until that night he sent someone like me in to get rid of her.”
I hear Lily take a sharp breath in and shudder. I told her this wasn’t like her parents’ story.
“He came in and walked right past my bedroom to hers and shot her in her bed. I’ll never forget the sound of his footsteps that night. I don’t know how she didn’t hear him coming because he practically stomped all the way down the hallway. Maybe she did hear it. Maybe she decided she couldn’t live worrying when my father would finally get rid of her. I heard the shot, and when he left, I ran to her room to see what happened. I got there just as she was taking her last breath.”
“I’m so sorry. Don’t tell me any more. It’s too terrible.”
It’s been so long since I told this story that I need to get it out. Something about Lily makes me need to confess my family’s sins.
Stroking my hand up and down her back, I continue. “He’s never denied he was the one who had her killed. He had a new family, and we were in the way. It was as simple as that. It didn’t matter that he never saw either of us. His new wife couldn’t stand the idea that we were out at that house still in the world. So he got rid of the old one for the new one, even if he didn’t want to get rid of me.”
I look down at Lily to see tears rolling down her cheeks. Gently wiping them away with the pads of my thumbs, I take a deep breath to finish the last part of my story.
“He killed my mother, and then I had to go live with him and his new family. I hated every minute of my life until I could move away from there. The only happiness I had was when I got to go live at my cousin’s once it was decided by my father’s new wife that they had their own son to take care of and didn’t need another one hanging around.”
“I don’t think I’d ever want to meet your father,” Lily says softly against my chest.
“You already have,” I say before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “My father’s the man your father owes money to. Victor Varens, my boss. The head of the Varens family.”
Lily looks up at me in horror. “You work for your father after all he did to you? After he murdered your mother?”
“I never had a choice. I’m his son. My future was set in stone from the moment I was born a male. Males in my family work for the family. That’s how it goes.”
Choking back the emotion I didn’t expect to come over me, I smile at how good it feels to admit the truth for the first time. “I guess you can say I’m a killer who comes from a killer. So that’s my story.”
Just like my father. Or maybe not. Maybe he’s a better man than me because he only ordered her death and didn’t do it himself. Or maybe having your son’s mother killed is worse than what I am.
“I’m sorry, Cason.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I am what I am.”
Lily kisses me softly, letting her lips linger on mine for a moment before she asks, “Why did you promise not to kill me then? Doesn’t that show you aren’t just a killer?”
“You’re an exception I’m willing to make.”
It’s a lie, and she knows it as well as I do. Then again, maybe it’s not. The truth is I won’t kill Lily because unlike my father I don’t kill women I care about.
I’ve killed enough people to know when it isn’t something that needs to be done.
She lays her head on my chest and wraps her arms around me. “Cason, we aren’t just what others make us. You’re not a killer with me. Maybe you don’t have to be a killer with anyone else either.”
“Oh yeah? What would I do with my life? Maybe find a place in the country and live out my days with a nice girl and a dog? Maybe I could find a nice nine-to-five job too.”
Lifting her head, she smiles up at me. “It doesn’t sound like an awful life, if you ask me.”
Even as I try to brush off her idea, I can’t help but think that’s what Lily’s life will probably end up like. She’ll find some guy who’s nice and likes Labrador Retrievers, and they’ll find a little house in the country where he leaves early five days a week for a job he doesn’t care about but needs to keep to pay for the house she loves. They’ll end up with a bunch of kids, and she’ll be the most beautiful mother at the playground.
He won’t know how lucky he is to have her love him, and she’ll be sweeter than he deserves. But she won’t leave him, even if things go bad. She’ll stay because he’s nice more often than not and they have the kids and she doesn’t want to move to a different house.
“I guess you would never want to live like that?” she asks in that hopeful tone I’m going to miss when she’s not around anymore.
“I don’t think it’s for me,” I lie.
It sounds a little boring, but I have a feeling anywhere she is would be better than not being around her. But there’s not much of a calling for hitmen in the suburbs, and in the end, that’s what I am.
A killer.
Or after Lily, a killer every time but once.
After letting all my calls go to voicemail, I finally answer one late that afternoon. I paid for another night in this seedy motel, as Lily calls it, but I have a feeling we won’t be staying until tomorrow.
The moment I put the phone to my ear, I hear my father say, “Twenty-five fucking calls later he answers the phone. You better have been underwater or under the fucking ground to not answer me all those goddamned times.”
I look down my body to see Lily’s head resting on my stomach and smile. “I was under something. What’s up?”
My father stutters out a few sounds I don’t understand and then repeats my question. “What’s up? What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for two days. What the fuck is up? I better hear something more than that, Cason.”
It dawns on me that at this point in the conversation with him, I should be up out of the bed and getting dressed in a hurry to get back to his office since he’s obviously pissed at me. Ordinarily, I would be like that, but today, I don’t feel like moving. Lily looks comfortable right where she is, and I feel perfect with her head resting on me.
Moving can happen some other time.
“I’ve been doing what you told me to do for the past week.”
My answer only frustrates him more. “What I told you to do? Two days ago, I left you a message to bring the girl back because that father of hers paid the money. I have another job that’s being held up because you can’t seem to find your fucking way home. Should you have left a trail of breadcrumbs on your way out to the house?”
His joke makes me chuckle, even though I know he didn’t intend it to be funny. He gets downright comical when he’s really pissed, but the fact that he hasn’t brought up anything about his missing security guard tells me I still need to stay away for a little while longer.
“I’ll be doing that later today, probably. Maybe early tomorrow, depending on how things go.”
“Well, fuck, I hope I’m not hurrying you,” he says, clearly exasperated.
“You said to take the week off. That’s what I’m doing.”
He’s silent for a few moments before sighing. “Be sure to lock the house up when you leave. I haven’t heard from anyone out there after the first couple days, so I’m assuming everything went fine. No problems with the girl?”
Lily lifts her head and pushes her blond hair off her face before smiling up at me. I don’t need to bother telling him about the problems she and I had out there. That’s all in the past. Now when I look down at her groggy face, I don’t have a problem in the world.
“Everything is fine,” I answer, leaving his question basically hanging with my vague response.
“Fine. I’m going to be heading out there this afternoon to handle some business, so I’m happy I’m not walking into a goddamned mess. You cleaned up after yourself, didn’t you?” he asks in an odd voice.
Something’s wrong. He never goes out to the house.
“Yeah. But I did break a plate, so I wanted to make sure I told you that,” I answer as casually as I can as my heart begins to race.
“Whatever. Why would I give a fuck about a single plate?”
I shrug as Lily stares up at me with a confused look on her face. “I don’t know. It seemed like something I should tell you. I can pay for it, if you want. I just wanted you to know.”
My father huffs in disgust. “Who fucking cares about a single plate? It’s not like you killed someone against my direct orders, Cason. I’ll just get another plate. You know what, on second thought, stay at the house until I get there. Then you can take the girl home.”
Red flags go up all over the place in my mind. He knows about Doc. He wouldn’t say that part about me killing against his orders if he didn’t. Even more, Victor hates that house. He hated it when my mother begged him to buy it. He’s hated it ever since, even after killing her. It sits empty ninety percent of the time, so why does he now have to go there on some random day in September?
I need to make him think I don’t know something’s changed, so as calmly as I can, I say, “Okay. I’ll see you in a little while then.”
“Fine.”
The call ends, and I set my phone back on the nightstand as my mind races with what to do next. My father knows about Doc and he plans to punish me for doing that. I’ve seen him do that to others, and I know what it means.
He plans on today being my last day working for him. And breathing. So much for being his son meaning a goddamned thing.
“Why did you tell him you broke the plate? Isn’t he going to be angry with you now?” Lily asks as she crawls up my body to give me a kiss.
“It’ll be fine. Everything will be fine,” I say, avoiding yet another set of questions as I wrap her in my arms and hold her to me.
Snuggling against me, she kisses my neck sweetly. “Did he say anything about my father paying the money? Today’s the last day.”
Thoughts tumble around in my head. I don’t know how long he’s known about Doc. Did he tell me Lily’s father paid him just so I would take her back to her house where he would be waiting for us?
But no, he said he was going out to the estate later today, so maybe he told the truth when he said he got the money two days ago. If I take her home, though, he might be waiting and ambush us there.
Whatever the truth is, it isn’t good for me, and by extension, for Lily.
Staring up at the ceiling, I close my eyes and lie to her. “Not yet, but I’m sure he’ll pay it today and this will all be over soon.”
For a few minutes, Lily says nothing. The mood in the room has changed, but I don’t know if it’s because of me or her. Did she hear my father on the phone tell me Harry already paid and she knows I lied? Is that why she’s uncharacteristically quiet now?
As I replay every word of my call with him, she sits up next to me and nudges my arm. “I know I’m not supposed to think this, and to be honest, it sounds a little crazy even saying the words in my head, but I’m going to miss you, Cason. I know that’s insane, right? You took me hostage, and if I’m being entirely truthful, I only slept with you that first night because I wanted you to see me as a person and not just a thing you could easily kill at the end of this week, but I want you to know that wasn’t how I felt by the time we got here.”
Her honesty makes my lying all the worse.
In her eyes, I see she means every word she’s saying. I don’t know what I thought she felt, if anything, the first time we slept together. I didn’t think about that at the time.
But she’s right. By the time we got here, things weren’t the same as they were back at the estate. Now I can’t imagine putting a gun to her head like I did with Creighton.
None of that matters now. I need to keep her safe, and not only from the likes of my father. I’m not good for her either. All this playing house may have convinced me that I might be, but the truth of who I am hasn’t changed.
I might not be as bad as my father—I don’t know—but I’m still a killer, and the sooner she gets away from me the better.
“You were smart to use everything you had to make me not want to kill you, Lily,” I say with a smile at how proud I am that she’s far more intelligent than most women her age. “You were strong and smart when you had to be. Never forget that because you’ll have to be that again a million times in this life.”
“It wasn’t like that the whole while, Cason. You know that, right?”
That she’s worried I feel bad because she did the best thing she could is so Lily. I’m a killer and never let her forget that, yet the look on her face says she’s upset that I might think she tricked me into not killing her.
I pull her to me and kiss her mouth with as much sweetness as I can muster now that I feel the end coming for us. “All I know is you were strong and took everything I put on you. No matter what happens, be proud of that.”
We have to leave this place before they find us, but I have no idea where to take her to make sure she’s safe. I don’t know if my father plans to kill both of us or just me for Doc’s death. I don’t know what will happen to her if he gets to me and she’s left unprotected.
All I know is until my dying breath, I won’t let her get hurt.
