Cason
By the time I reach my car, I feel like I’m about to explode. Ryker and Joseph talk behind me about arranging a date when the two of them should get together for dinner with Kaia and my aunt. To them, standing up to Victor is something commonplace, I guess, but never before in my life have challenged him.
Patting me on the shoulder, Joseph smiles. “Your grandfather would be proud of you, Cason. I see a lot of him in you. Thanks for letting me watch that today.”
Ryker nods, beaming his happiness at what’s happened. “Me too. I was a little surprised when you pulled that turning state’s evidence thing out of your hat, but I didn’t lie when I told your father that if you can’t take care of business with him, I will. No one is going to let Lily or your son get hurt.”
“Thanks. The two of you didn’t have to back me up in there, so it means a lot that you did. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to believe he’ll stop with whatever obsession he has with making my life a living hell, but he better not push me to do something to him. He has no idea how good it would feel.”
Joseph extends his hand to shake mine. “You can’t choose your family, Cason, but that doesn’t mean you can’t live your life like you choose. I’m proof of that. Take care and come see your aunt and me sometime. I’m sure she’d love to see how you turned out.”
“I will. Thanks again, Uncle Joseph.”
After he leaves, I turn to Ryker. He’s the one who truly deserves my appreciation. “Thank you for standing up for me in there. I’ll never be what he wants in a son, but it was nice to hear you say you’re proud of me.”
“I am, Cason. You understand loyalty is earned, and you’ve shown me time and again that I can trust you. I don’t know why your father never saw that in you.”
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and when I take it out, I see Jaxon’s name. Quickly, I read his message and see my father sent one of his men out to Lily’s.
I lift my head and say to Ryker, “That fucker wasn’t lying. Jaxon says Victor sent someone out to the house.”
“Is everyone okay?”
“Yeah. Jaxon got them to safety, but I don’t think we can go back there ever again. Son of a bitch. He just can’t let us be.”
“He won’t be able to get to them now. I guess this means we’re neighbors,” Ryker says with a smile. “See you there.”
I nod and pretend like any of this is okay, but once more, my father has made sure someone lost because of me. For that, I’ll never forgive him.
The carriage house on Ryker’s estate sits at the back of the grounds, hidden away from view behind tall trees. He offered to let me stay there when I first came to work for him last year, but I chose a room in the main house instead because it was only me and a bag full of clothes I needed space for.
Now things are different. Lily, Lukas, and I can’t fit in that single room, so just like when he gave me the chance to start over after I found out my father put a target on my back, now he’s giving the three of us a chance to be together and safe here.
My hand stills on the doorknob as I try to imagine what I’ll say to Lily now that she’s lost the one place she dreamed of having. She bought that house with her father’s money, and because of my father, she was forced out.
Just another reason to hate him.
I open the front door and see her standing with Lukas in her arms. Worry fills her eyes when she looks at me. That worry is because of me.
“Oh, Cason! Your uncle and cousin told me everything was going to be okay, but I didn’t believe it until right now. Are we really going to be safe here?”
Closing the door behind me, I force myself to smile. “We’re safe here. Nobody gets onto this estate without security checking them first.”
“Are you okay? What happened?”
Lukas lets out a tiny cry and yawns as I walk over toward them. I don’t want to talk about my father now. All I want is to apologize for everything that’s happened to make Lily and our son end up here, torn away from their home.
I look down at the baby and run my palm over the top of his head, loving the softness of his dark hair against my skin. Like his mother, he’s innocent in all of this, and I regret so much of my life at this moment.
“I’m fine, but we can’t go back to your house. I’m sorry, Lily.”
When I look up and see her dark eyes fill with tears, I can’t stand how all of this is because of me. I can blame my father, but Lily is suffering because she gave birth to my child.
“Never?” she asks, her voice trembling as she holds back tears.
Hanging my head, I tell her the truth of what her life is forced to be with me. “Never. I need to keep you safe, and this is the only place I can be sure he won’t get to you or Lukas.”
“Will you stay here with us?”
I lift my gaze to see her waiting for my answer with hope in her dark eyes. “Yes. If you’ll have me here, I want to live with you and our son. I’ll be working for Ryker, but I want to come home to you.”
“How can I say no to the man who protected us? Of course, I want you here with Lukas and me. How could you think I would ever say no?” Lily says as her attempt at keeping her tears at bay finally fails.
“Because I’m the reason you two were in danger in the first place. It’s my fault you lost your house. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”
Standing on her tip-toes, she kisses me softly and smiles so she looks like an angel. “Hate you? I love you, Cason. I want you to be around your son, where you belong.”
I turn my head to scan the carriage house around us. Like the main house, it’s got the best of everything. Ryker spared no expense decorating it. But it’s not the home Lily loved.
“Do you think you can be happy here? I know it’s not your house in the country, but it’s pretty nice, don’t you think?”
Lily looks around at the opulence all around us and shakes her head. “I’ve never lived in any place as great as this, Cason. Do you remember my father’s house? And as much as I loved my little house in the country, I don’t care where the three of us live, as long as we’re together.”
My heart swells at the news that she can forgive me, and I lean down to kiss her forehead. “I do love you, Lily.”
She sets Lukas into my arms and beams her happiness. “It’s time for your son’s bottle. Ready to try your hand at feeding him?”
I don’t get a chance to answer her before she walks away into the kitchen, leaving me standing with Lukas as he stares up at me. He truly is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, next to his mother.
“Looks like you’re stuck with me, Lukas. I hope when you’re old enough to know who I am that you’re not disappointed. But I promise I’ll never do to you what my father has done to me. You can trust me on that.”
Lily hands me his bottle and kisses me. “He’ll love you like I do, Cason, because deep inside you is goodness. Your father tried to force it out of you, but it’s there.”
As I watch my son drink from the bottle and he squeezes my forefinger in his tiny hand, I think about how my goodness can only have come from one person. Maybe that’s the way I’ll finally avenge her death because my father hates nothing more than my not being as cruel as him.
I pull my gaze away from Lukas and smile at Lily. Maybe goodness can exist in a killer.
A knock at the front door makes that thought vanish, and Lily freezes in place. “Cason?”
I hand the baby to her and press a kiss on her forehead. “It’s okay. I swear.”
My feet feel like lead as I walk to the door to answer it, and for a moment, I worry maybe the three of us will never be truly safe ever again. Slowly, I pull the door open and see Jaxon’s smiling face.
Relief washes over me, and I shake my head. “Asshole. What do you want?”
He rolls his eyes and laughs. “Who talks to their family like that?” Looking around me, he says to Lily, “We need to borrow your man here for a little while. Just family stuff. Nothing bad, I swear.”
“Jaxon, can’t this wait? I just got here.”
Shaking his head, he waves me outside. “It’s waited long enough.”
I walk back to Lily and Lukas and kiss them both. “Don’t worry. We’re safe here. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
She lifts herself onto her tip-toes and softly kisses my lips. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I say before looking down at our sleepy son cradled in her arms. “And you, too.”
“We’ll be here when you come back.”
The worry in her eyes remains, but she doesn’t have to fear. I won’t be gone as long as last time.
I walk into Ryker’s office and see him and Kane waiting for me, along with Seymour, the doctor we call whenever anyone’s hurt. Jaxon slides past me to stand next to them, but nobody looks like they need medical attention. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen any of them look this happy before.
“So what was so urgent that it couldn’t wait?” I ask as I look around the room for any clue why I’m here.
Ryker steps toward me and points at the table along the far wall. “Time for us to do something that should have happened a long time ago.”
Still, I draw a blank. “Which is?”
Jaxon pushes against my arm and laughs. “You really are the biggest asshole in the world, aren’t you? Do you think we’re all gathered here to watch you get a massage, for Christ’s sake? Lay on the damn table and get your rightful rewards already.”
Still confused, I look over at Ryker and shake my head. “What’s this about?”
“You should have been given this honor years ago, and if your father had been a decent leader of this family, it would have happened right after mine. It’s time for your brand, Cason. So lay down and remember the pain only lasts for a few seconds before you can’t feel a thing.”
Every man in the Varens family going back to my grandfather’s grandfather worked in the family business and got the brand on his skin once he proved his worth. My father wore it like a mark of pride, and I remember watching Ryker get his when I was still a teenager. Victor gave Jaxon his last year, and I stood by in his office struggling to understand why I still hadn’t gotten mine.
Then again, what worth is there in simply being a killer?
Hanging my head, I quietly say the only thing on my mind at this moment. “I killed my own brother. There’s nothing honorable in that, Ryker.”
He pats me on the shoulder and sighs. “Your father had no right to put you in that position. Michael’s death is on his head, not yours. You did what you did to protect Lily and your son. You’ve protected your family since you began working for it. No one deserves this more than you, Cason.”
I look at him and smile. “Thanks, Ryker.”
“Now take your shirt off and lay down on the table. And remember, it’s only blinding, unrelenting pain for a second or two and then you won’t feel a thing,” he says with a laugh.
Tossing my T-shirt onto the couch, I take a deep breath in, suddenly a little nervous. Jaxon sees my fear immediately and seizes on it. “Thank God Seymour is here just in case Cason goes all pussy and passes out the second he feels the iron on his skin.”
“Fuck you, asshole,” I say with a smile.
“Right back at you, asshole.”
Kane jumps in and points at my nipple piercings. “You’ll be fine if you could handle getting them. I got my dick pierced and it didn’t hurt anywhere as much as the nipple one.”
Everyone, including a very wide-eyed Seymour, looks over at Kane. Suddenly the focus of all the attention, he shakes his head. “What? Women love it, so go fuck yourselves with your opinions.”
Ryker says nothing for a long moment and then merely shrugs. “You think you know someone and then they say something like that.”
“I may be your right hand man, but I don’t have to share everything I do,” Kane says with a chuckle.
“Well, assuming you don’t have any more true confessions, let’s get this going. I have a feeling Cason is having second thoughts,” Ryker says and then points at the table. “Time to do this.”
A little more relaxed now, I lay face down on the table. In front of me, Jaxon puts his face close to mine. “Hang on to the table. Seriously.”
I do as he says and he covers my hands with his as Seymour wipes something cold and wet across the top of my back. I watch as Ryker is handed the branding iron with the Varens family mark, and when he stops next to the table, he pats me on the shoulder.
“Cason, I’m proud to be the one to give you this honor. You’ve deserved it for too long.”
Even if I had the words to thank him for all he’s done for me, I don’t have time to even attempt to form them in my brain before the red-hot iron sears into my skin. A strangled cry escapes my throat, and then all I feel after the pain is the pressure from Jaxon’s hands pressing down on mine.
When it’s over and I can focus again, I blow the air out of my lungs and smile at Jaxon. “Thanks.”
He lifts his hands from mine and smiles back at me. “I thought you were going to toss me across the room for a moment there. You’re still an asshole, though.”
I sit up on the table and see Ryker pouring everyone glasses of whisky. Kane hands me one and gives me a nod. “Was I right? I bet those nipple piercings hurt more.”
To be honest, I don’t know because I can’t remember that pain like I can’t remember most of the pain I’ve suffered throughout my life. “It’s all the same, I guess.”
Raising his glass, Ryker makes a toast to me. “To Cason, a Varens through and through.”
Everyone agrees and as they drink, all I can think is after all my life feeling like I had the worst family in the world because of Victor, now I feel like I have two of the best with Lily, Lukas, Ryker, and Jaxon.
I nod at my uncle and raise my glass to toast all of them. “To family.”
When I get back to the house, I stop at Lukas’s bedroom door and watch him sleep in his crib, lost in amazement that I somehow had a part in creating this person. Me. Cason Varens. Killer. Looking down at him, I see how much he looks like me with his dark hair and silently swear to God he’ll never go through what I did growing up.
“Whatever it takes,” I whisper into the dark room, “you won’t know what it feels like to lose your mother because of your father, Lukas.”
Moving on to the next bedroom, I see Lily sleeping, her hands tucked up under her cheek in that way that makes her look so small there in the bed. I don’t know why, but I need to tell her what I am just in case she doesn’t know it by now.
Crouching down beside the bed, I gently brush her hair off her face. Her eyes open and slowly focus on me, her expression softening when she realizes I’m there.
“Is everything okay? What did your family want?” she asks with a tiny smile.
“It’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you understood why I didn’t answer you right off when you asked me if I loved you. I didn’t know if I could. Love, that is. It’s been so long since I felt that, or at least since I thought I felt that once my mother was taken from me. So that’s why I didn’t know how to answer you.”
Lily sits up and shakes her head. “It’s okay, Cason. You don’t have to say anything. I get it.”
I take her hands in mine and hold them as I continue. “I thought that maybe I wasn’t capable of love because of what my father did to her and not having anyone who showed me any kind of love after she died. But I realized tonight that I was wrong. I had love, even if it didn’t come from my father all these years. I had love from Jaxon, who’s like a brother to me, and from Ryker, who’s like a father to me. It isn’t the same as growing up with a father and mother who loved me, but it’s still love.”
She brings my hands to her lips and kisses my knuckles as her eyes fill with tears. “I know you can love, Cason. I saw it back when you held me in your arms in that motel room after you saved me from Doc. I saw it when you were willing to do anything to protect Lukas and me in front of your father. I see it in you right now.”
“I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t sure what I feel, Lily. I know things between us went fast at first last year, and then everything’s happened fast again this time, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be real,” I say, still unsure I’m getting across what I feel.
Her smile grows, lighting up her beautiful face, as she nods. “Nothing’s been normal with us from the very beginning, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be love, Cason. Maybe ours is just a different kind of love. A rare kind.”
As I slide into bed next to her, I wrap my arms around her shoulders and sigh. I want to tell her about the brand and show her how it looks, but for right now, what I want most is to show her that love I know I have in me now.
