Two years later
Liliana
Sometimes it felt like I had to prove myself to Father every day. He waited for me to mess up like Gianna had, but I wasn’t sure how that was even possible; he never let me out of sight. Unless I started something with one of my ancient bodyguards, there was no way I could sully my honor. But Father hadn’t forgiven Gianna yet, which was why I hadn’t seen her in almost two years. She was forbidden from coming to Chicago, and I wasn’t allowed to visit New York. If it wasn’t for Aria’s sneakiness, I wouldn’t even have been able to talk to Gianna on the phone.
Sometimes even I felt anger toward Gianna because her escape had turned my life into hell. Maybe Father would have been less strict if Gianna had played by the rules. And then there were moments when I admired her for her daring behavior. There wasn’t a night when I didn’t dream of freedom. I didn’t really want to run but I wished I could carve myself out more freedom in my life. Freedom to date, freedom to fall in love and be with that person.
I didn’t even remember how it felt to be in love. Just like Gianna, I hadn’t seen Romero in almost two years. What I’d felt for him back then hadn’t been love, not even close. It had been admiration and fascination, I knew that now. But there had been nobody else either. Of course, it was hard to meet someone to fall in love with if you went to an all-girls school and weren’t allowed to go anywhere alone.
The sound of glass shattering downstairs tore me from my thoughts. I jumped off my bed and opened my door. “Mother?” I called. She’d been gone all morning. There was no answer but I could hear someone moving in the kitchen.
I crept out of my room and down the stairs. “Mother?” I tried again when I’d almost reached the door to the kitchen. Still no answer. I pushed the door open and stepped inside. A wine bottle lay broken on the floor, red wine spilled around it. Mother was kneeling beside it, her cream-colored skirt slowly soaking up the liquid, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was staring down at a shard in her palm as if it held the answer to all her questions. I’d never seen her like that. I walked toward her. “Mom?” I almost never called her that, but it felt like the right choice at the moment.
She looked up, her blue eyes unfocused and teary. “Oh, you are home?”
“Where else would I be?” I wanted to ask, but instead I touched her shoulder and said, “What’s the matter? Are you alright?”
She stared down at the broken piece of glass in her hand again, then dropped it to the floor. I helped her to her feet. She wasn’t steady on her legs and I could smell alcohol on her breath. It was still early for her to start drinking, and she wasn’t really much of a drinker at all.
“I was at the doctor’s.”
I froze. “Are you sick? What’s wrong?”
“Lung cancer,” she said with a small shrug. “Stage three.”
My throat constricted. “But you never smoked! How is that even possible?”
“It can happen,” she said. “I’ll have to start chemotherapy soon.”
I wrapped my arms around her, feeling helpless and small under the weight of that news. “Does Father know?”
“I couldn’t reach him. He didn’t answer his phone.”
Of course not. Why should he answer a call from his wife? He was probably with one of his mistresses. “We need to tell Aria and Gianna. They need to know.”
Mother gripped my arm. “No,” she said firmly. “It’ll ruin their Christmas. I don’t want them to know yet. There’s no reason to worry them. I haven’t spoken to Gianna in a long time anyway, and Aria has enough on her plate as wife of the Capo.”
“But, Mom, they’d want to know.”
“Promise me you won’t tell them,” she demanded.
I nodded slowly. What else could I do?
* * *
Two hours later I heard Father come home and another thirty minutes later, Mother’s light steps came upstairs and then the door to the master bedroom closed. She’d been alone. Was Father still downstairs? I left my room and went to his office on the first floor. After a moment of hesitation, I knocked. I needed to talk to him.
Our Christmas party would be in two weeks and now that Mother was sick, Gianna should be invited. She and Mother should get the chance to spend some time together and reconcile.
“Come in,” Father said.
I opened the door and poked my head in, half expecting to see him devastated and crying, but he was bent over some papers, working. I walked in, confused. “Has Mother talked to you?” Maybe she hadn’t told him about her cancer.
He looked up. “Yes, she did. She’ll be starting treatment with the best doctor in Chicago next week.”
“Oh, okay.” I paused, hoping for something else from Father but he watched me without a hint of emotion on his face. “I was thinking that Mother needs the support of her family now more than ever. Of her whole family.”
Father raised his eyebrows. “And?”
“I think we should invite Gianna to our Christmas party. She and Mother haven’t seen each other in a long time. I’m sure Mother would be very happy to see Gianna again.”
Father’s face darkened. “I won’t have that whore in my house. Maybe Matteo has forgiven her and even married her despite her transgressions but I’m not that kind.”
No, kind definitely wasn’t a word I’d use for my father. “But Mother needs every bit of support she can get.”
“No, and that’s my last word,” he growled. “And your mother doesn’t want people to know about her sickness. They’d only start to get suspicious if we invited Gianna. We’ll act as if nothing is wrong. You won’t even tell your sisters or anyone else, do you understand?”
I nodded. But how could I keep that kind of secret from everyone?
* * *
The house was decorated beautifully for our Christmas party. Everything was perfect. The scent of roast beef and truffled mashed potatoes carried through the rooms, but I couldn’t enjoy it. Mother had spent yesterday and the majority of this morning throwing up because of her treatment. With several layers of makeup, you couldn’t tell how pale she was but I knew. Only Father and I knew. Even Fabi didn’t have a clue.
Aria and Luca arrived only minutes before the other guests. They stayed in a hotel anyway so it wasn’t too hard to keep Mother’s state from them. Aria smiled brightly when she saw me and hugged me. “God, Lily. You look so beautiful.”
I smiled tightly. I’d been so excited when I’d found the silver dress a few weeks ago because it made me feel grown up and accentuated my curves in just the right way, but today my excitement over something like a piece of clothing felt ridiculous.
Aria pulled away and searched my face. “Is everything okay?”
I nodded quickly and turned my attention to Luca who’d waited patiently behind my sister for his turn. He gave me a quick hug. It still felt strange to have him greet me that way. “Father is still in his office and Mother is in the kitchen,” I explained. At least I hoped Mother wasn’t in the bathroom, throwing up again.
Luca walked past me and my gaze landed on Romero who’d been hidden behind Luca’s massive frame. My eyes widened at the sight of him. I hadn’t expected him to come. Last year Luca had come alone with Aria. After all, he was more than capable to protect her.
“Hello,” I said casually, sounding way more composed than I felt. I hadn’t quite gotten over my crush on Romero but I realized with relief that I wasn’t a quivering mess around him anymore. The last few months and weeks had changed me.
Romero
Luca had business to conduct with Scuderi and Dante Cavallaro; that was the only reason why I’d come to Chicago with them at all. And now as I stood in the doorway to the Scuderi mansion, staring at Liliana, I wondered if I shouldn’t have come up with an excuse. The last time I’d seen Lily she’d been a girl, and while she still wasn’t a woman, she’d grown a lot. She was fucking stunning. It was difficult not to look at her. It was easy to forget that there were still a few months until she’d be of age, easy to forget that she was way out of my league.
She tilted her head in greeting and stepped back. Where had the blushing, flirting girl gone? I had to admit I was sad that she wasn’t giving me her flirty smile, though it had always bothered me in the past.
I followed Luca and Aria into the house. I could hear Lily’s steps close behind me, could smell her flowery perfume and even see her slender frame from the corner of my eye. It took a lot of restraint not to glimpse over my shoulder to get another good look at her.
I spent the next couple of hours watching her discreetly as I pretended to be busy guarding Aria, not that I had much to do anyway. But the more I watched Lily, the more I realized that something was wrong. Whenever she thought nobody was paying attention to her, she seemed to deflate, her smile falling, her shoulders slumping. She was a good actress when she gave it her full attention but her few moments of inattentiveness were enough for me. Over the years as a bodyguard, I’d learned to be aware of even the smallest signs.
When she left the living room and didn’t come back, worry overcame me, but she wasn’t my responsibility. Aria was. I glanced at Luca’s wife. She was deep in conversation with her mother and Valentina Cavallaro. I excused myself. She’d be safe here. Luca was just across the room in what looked like an argument with Dante and Scuderi.
Once I found myself in the foyer, I hesitated. I wasn’t sure where Liliana had gone and I could hardly search the entire house for her. If someone found me, they might think I was spying for Luca. A sound from the corridor to my right attracted my attention and upon making sure that I was alone, I followed it until I caught sight of Liliana. She leaned against the wall, her head was thrown back, her eyes closed. I could tell she was trying to keep it together, and yet even like that, she was a sight to behold. Fucking gorgeous with long blond hair, immaculate skin, high cheekbones and slender figure. One day a man would be very lucky to be married to her.
The idea didn’t sit well with me but I didn’t linger on my inappropriate reaction. I walked toward her, making sure to make my steps audible so she knew she wasn’t alone anymore. She tensed, her eyes fluttering open but when she spotted me, she relaxed again and turned away. I wasn’t sure what to make of her reaction to my presence. I stopped a couple of steps from her, a proper distance. My gaze traveled over her long, lean legs, her narrow waist before I quickly moved on to her face. “Liliana, are you okay? You’ve been gone for a long time.”
“Why do you insist on calling me Liliana when everyone always calls me Lily?” She opened her eyes again, blue eyes surrounded by thick dark lashes that kept you mesmerized, and smiled bitterly. She had fucking amazing eyes, and amazing pink lips. Damn it. “Did my sister tell you to watch me?” she asked with a hint of accusation in her soft voice.
As if I needed someone to tell me. It had been almost impossible to keep my eyes off Liliana tonight. “No, she didn’t,” I said simply. She didn’t need to know why I had come to look for her. She was young and regardless of her immature attempts at flirting in the past, she was innocent.
Her blue eyes held confusion, then she turned her face to the side, leaving me to stare at her profile. Her chin wobbled but she swallowed and her expression evened out. “Don’t you need to watch Aria?”
“Luca is there,” I said. I moved a bit closer, too close. Lily’s perfume wafted into my nose, made me want to bury my face in her hair. God, I was losing my fucking mind. “I can tell that something is wrong. Why don’t you tell me?”
Lily straightened with narrowed her eyes. “Why? I’m not your responsibility. And last time we saw each other you didn’t seem to like me very much.”
Was she still mad at me for stopping her from kissing me at her birthday party more than two years ago? What kind of man would have returned that kiss? “Maybe I can help you,” I said instead.
She sighed, her shoulders slumping. With that weary expression, she looked older somehow, like a grown woman, and I had to remind myself of my promise and oath again. Her eyes brimmed with tears when she peered up at me but they didn’t fall.
“Hey,” I said softly. I wanted to touch her, brush her hair away from her. Fuck. I wanted much more than that, but I stayed where I was. I couldn’t go around touching a daughter of the Outfit’s Consigliere. I shouldn’t even have been alone with her.
“You can’t tell anyone,” she said.
I hesitated. Luca was my Capo. There were certain things I couldn’t keep from him. “You know I can’t promise you that without knowing what you’re going to tell me.” And then I wondered if maybe she was pregnant, if maybe someone had broken her heart, and the idea made me furious. I wasn’t supposed to want her, I shouldn’t want her, and yet…
“I know, but it’s not about the Outfit or the Famiglia. It’s…” She lowered her gaze and swallowed. “God, I’m not supposed to tell anyone. And I hate it. I hate that we’re keeping up the charade when things are falling apart.”
I waited patiently, giving her the time she obviously needed.
Her shoulders began to shake but she still didn’t cry. I wasn’t sure how she did it. “My mother has cancer.”
That wasn’t what I’d expected. Although now that I thought about it, her mother had looked pale despite the thick layer of makeup on her face.
I touched Lily’s bare shoulder and tried to ignore how good it felt, how smooth her skin was. “I’m sorry. Why don’t you talk to Aria about it? I thought you and her talk about everything.”
“Gianna and Aria talk about everything. I’m the little sister, the fifth wheel.” She sounded bitter. “Sorry.” She released a long breath, obviously trying to get a grip on her emotions. “Father forbade me from telling anyone, even Aria, and here I am telling you.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I promised before I could really think it through. What was I doing promising that kind of thing to Lily? Luca and the Famiglia were my priority. I had to consider the consequences if the wife of the Consigliere was sick. Would that weaken him and the Outfit? Luca might think so. And not just that, I was supposed to protect Aria. Wasn’t it my job to tell her that her mother was sick? That was the problem if you started to think with your dick. Then things always got messed up.
Lily tilted her head to the side with a curious expression. “You won’t?”
I leaned against the wall beside her, wondering how I was going to get out of that corner. “But don’t you think you should tell your sister? It’s her mother. She deserves to know the truth.”
“I know, don’t you think I don’t know that?” she whispered desperately. “I want to tell her. I feel so guilty for keeping it a secret. Why do you think I’m hiding in the hallway?”
“Then tell her.”
“Father would be furious if he found out. He’s been on edge for a long time. Sometimes I think it takes only the smallest incident and he’ll put a bullet through my head.”
She sounded fucking scared of her own father, and the bastard was scary. I took her hand. “Has he done anything to you? I’m sure Luca could figure out a way to keep you safe.” What the fuck was I talking about? Scuderi would convince Dante to start a war if Luca took his youngest daughter away from him. You never got involved in other people’s family problems. That was one of the most important rules in our world.
“Father wouldn’t allow it,” she said without hesitation. She really wasn’t the kid I’d first met. This world took away your innocence far too soon. “And he didn’t do anything, but he’d be furious if I went against his direct orders.”
“You know your sister, she’d never tell anyone.”
“Then she’d have to keep it a secret and she wouldn’t even be able to talk to Mother about it. Why is everything such a mess? Why can’t I have a normal family?”
She looked to me for answers I couldn’t give. We both had been born into this world and were bound by its rules. “We can’t choose our family.”
“And in my case, not even my future husband,” she said, surprising me. Something in her expression raised my walls. There were lines I couldn’t cross.
She shook her head. “I don’t know why I said it. This isn’t what I should be worried about now.” She looked down at my hand, which was still holding hers. I released her. If Scuderi or one of his men walked in on us, Scuderi would have a new reason to lose his shit.
“You know what? I will tell her,” Lily said suddenly. She straightened and gave me a grateful smile. “You are right. Aria deserves to know the truth.” Now that she didn’t lean against the wall anymore, we were even closer. I should have taken a step back and kept my distance, but instead my eyes were drawn to her lips.
Lily surprised me by walking away. “Thank you for your help.” I watched her turn the corner and then she was gone.
Liliana
My heart hammered in my chest, not only because I’d been alone with Romero and had barely managed to leave without kissing him, but because I was determined to go against Father’s orders. Maybe Romero had told the truth and he wouldn’t tell my sister and Luca about my mother, but really why should he keep a secret for me? We weren’t a couple, we weren’t even friends. We were nothing to each other. The thought buried itself like a heavy weight in my stomach.
It was better if I told Aria now. She’d find out eventually, and I wanted it to be from me. I headed back into the living room, where I found her deep in conversation with Valentina and a plate with prosciutto in her hand. Valentina smiled at me, but there was a flicker of pity in her green eyes. Did she know?
Of course, she did. Father probably had told his boss, Dante, right away, and Dante had told his wife. Had Father told other people as well? People he thought more deserving of the truth than his own family? “Hi, Val,” I said with a smile. “Can I steal Aria from you for a moment? I have to talk to her.”
Aria gave me a questioning look but Valentina nodded as if she knew why I needed to be alone with my sister. I linked arms with Aria and casually strolled through the room with her. Aria was tense. She knew something was up. I didn’t want Father or Mother to get suspicious so I tried to keep a relaxed expression. I caught Romero’s gaze across the room as he slunk back inside. He made his way over to where Luca and Dante stood beside the fireplace, but not without a last encouraging nod. Somehow that small gesture made me feel better. In the last two years I’d convinced myself that the thing with Romero was nothing but a silly crush but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. I liked his calm protectiveness. It gave me a sense of safety I longed for.
“Lily, what’s going on? You’ve been acting very odd all evening,” Aria whispered as we headed toward the lobby.
“I’m going to tell you in a moment. I want us to be alone.”
Aria’s face clouded with worry. “Has anything happened? Do you need help?”
I led her upstairs and into my room. When the door had closed behind us, I released Aria and sank down on my bed. Aria sat down beside me.
“It’s Mother,” I said in a whisper, not bothering to hide my pain any longer. “She’s got lung cancer.” Maybe I should have broken it to her in a less direct manner, but it wouldn’t have made the news less horrible.
Aria stared at me with wide eyes, then she slumped against the wall, releasing a harsh breath. “Oh God. I thought she looked exhausted but I blamed it on another fight with Father.”
“They’re still fighting and it’s making everything worse.”
Aria wrapped her arm around me and for a moment we held each other in silence. Mother hadn’t always been as caring and loving as a mother should be, but we loved her despite her flaws. “Why hasn’t she told me?”
“Father doesn’t want anyone to know. He actually forbade me from telling you.”
Aria pulled back, blond brows drawing together. “He forbade you?”
“He wants to keep up appearances. I think he’s embarrassed by Mother’s sickness.” I hesitated. “That’s why I didn’t tell you right away. I didn’t know what to do, but I talked to Romero and he convinced me to tell you.”
Aria searched my face. “Romero, hm?”
I shrugged. “Will you tell Gianna when you’re back in New York?”
“Of course,” Aria said. “I hate that she can’t be here.” She sighed. “I want to talk to Mother about it. She needs our support but how can we give it to her if we’re not supposed to know?”
I didn’t know. “I hate how Father’s acting. He’s so cold toward her. You’re so lucky, Aria, that you have a husband who cares about you.”
Her face transformed at once. It always did if I mentioned Luca. Love—she’d found it. “I know. One day you’ll have that too.”
I really hoped she was right. Life with someone like my father would be a hell I couldn’t survive.
* * *
With every passing day, Mother faded a bit more. Sometimes it felt like all I had to do was look away for a moment and her skin had already become a scarier shade of gray and she’d lost even more weight. Even her beautiful hair was gone completely. It was impossible to keep her sickness a secret anymore. Everyone knew. When other people were around, Father played the doting and worried husband but when we were alone, he could barely stand Mother’s presence as if he worried that she was infectious. It fell on me to support her while I tried to get through my last year in school. Aria, Gianna, and I talked on the phone almost every day. Without them I couldn’t have survived. And at night when I lay in the dark and couldn’t sleep from worry and fear, I remembered the way Romero had looked at me at our Christmas party as if he saw me for the very first time, really saw me as a woman and not just a stupid child. The look in his brown eyes made me feel warmer even if it was only a memory.
A soft knock made me sit up. “Yes?” I asked quietly. “Please don’t let Mother be throwing up again.” I wanted one night without the acid smell in my nose. I felt bad for the thought. How could I think something like that?
The door opened and Fabi poked his blond head through the gap before he slipped in. His hair was disheveled and he was in his pajamas. I hadn’t drawn the curtains so I could tell that he’d cried but I didn’t mention it. Fabi had turned twelve several months ago and was too proud to admit his feelings to anyone, even me.
“Are you asleep?”
“Do I look like I’ve been sleeping?” I asked teasingly.
He shook his head before he put his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants. He was too old to come into bed with me because he was scared of something. Father would have ripped Fabi’s head off if he’d found him with tears on his face in my room. Weakness wasn’t something Father tolerated in his son, or anyone really.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I scooted to the side. “I can’t sleep anyway.”
“You’ve got only girl movies,” he said as if I was asking a huge favor of him but he headed toward my DVD shelf and picked out something he could tolerate. Then he sat down beside me with his back against my headboard. The movie started and we watched in silence for a long time.
“Do you think Mom is going to die?” Fabi asked suddenly, his gaze fixed on the screen. He had become better at masking his emotions in the last few months. It wasn’t long before he’d be like all the other men in our world.
“No,” I said with all the conviction I didn’t feel.
* * *
My eighteenth birthday was today but there would be no party, no birthday cake, no sung Happy Birthday. Mother was too sick. There was no room in our house for celebrations or happiness. There hadn’t been in a long time. Father was hardly home anymore, always gone on business, and recently Fabi had started to accompany him. And so I was left alone with Mother. Of course there was a nurse and our maid, but they weren’t family. Mother didn’t want them around and so I was the one sitting at her bed after school, reading to her, trying to pretend that her room didn’t smell of death and hopelessness. Aria and Gianna had called in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. I knew they’d wanted to visit, but Father had forbidden it. Not even for my birthday he could be nice.
I put the book down that I’d read to Mother, A Wrinkle in Time, her favorite. She was asleep. The noise of her respiratory aid, a click and rattling, filled the room. I stood, needing to walk around a bit. My legs and back were stiff from sitting all day.
I walked toward the window and peered out. Life was happening everywhere around me, but I was left to stand at the sideline. My phone buzzed in my pocket, startling me from my thoughts. I took it out and found an unknown number on my screen. I pressed it against my ear. “Hello?” I whispered as I walked out into the corridor as not to disturb my mother, even though noises hardly woke her anymore.
“Hello, Liliana.”
I froze. “Romero?” I couldn’t believe he’d called me, and then a horrible idea struck me, and the only explanation for his call. “God, did something happen to my sisters?”
“No, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” His voice was smooth and warm and deep, and it soothed me like honey did with a sore throat.
“Oh,” I said. I braced myself against the wall as my pulse slowed again. I wasn’t sure what to make of his call. I didn’t want to see it as more than it was, didn’t want to have my hopes crushed again. “Thank you. Did my sister tell you it was my birthday?” I smiled lightly. I could imagine Aria doing that, hoping to cheer me up. Aria couldn’t help it. She needed to see us happy. She hadn’t talked to me about Romero in a while but I was fairly sure she knew that I still liked him.
“She didn’t have to. I know your birthday.”
I didn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say. He remembered my birthday?
“Do you have birthday plans?”
“No. I’ll stay at home and take care of my mother,” I said tiredly. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept through the night. If Mother didn’t wake me because she threw up or was in pain, then I lay awake staring into nothingness.
Romero was silent on the other end before he continued in an even gentler voice, “Things will get better. I know things look hopeless right now but it won’t always be like this.”
“You’ve seen a lot of death in your life. How can you stand it?”
“It’s different if it’s someone you care for who’s dying or if it’s business-related.” He had to be careful what he said on the phone, so I regretted having brought it up, but hearing his voice felt too good. “My father died when I was fourteen. We weren’t as close as I’d wanted us to be but his death was the only one that really got me so far.”
“Mother and I aren’t as close as many of my friends are with their mothers, and now that she’s dying I regret it.”
“There’s still time. Maybe more than you think.”
I wanted him to be right but deep down I knew it was only a matter of weeks before Mother would lose her battle. “Thanks, Romero,” I said softly. I wanted to see his face, wanted to smell his comforting scent.
“Do something that’ll make you happy today, even if it’s only something small.”
“This makes me happy,” I admitted.
“That’s good,” he said, but I caught a hint of hesitation in his tone. Silence followed.
“I need to go now.” Suddenly my admittance embarrassed me. When would I stop putting myself out there? I wasn’t someone who was good at hiding her emotions and I hated it.
“Goodbye,” Romero said.
I ended the call without another word, then stared at my phone for a long time. Was I reading too much into Romero’s call? Maybe he wanted to be polite and call the sister of his boss’s wife on her eighteenth birthday to gain some bonus points. But Romero didn’t seem to be the type for that. Then why had he called? Had it something to do with the way he’d looked at me at our Christmas party? Was he starting to like me as much as I liked him?
* * *
Two weeks after my birthday, Mother’s health deteriorated even further. Her skin was papery and cold, her eyes glazed from the painkillers. My grip on her was loose, scared of hurting her. She looked so breakable. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t be much longer. I wanted to believe a miracle would happen, but I wasn’t a small kid anymore. I knew better. Sometimes I wished I were still that naïve girl I used to be.
“Aria?” Mother said in a wispy voice.
I jerked up in my chair and leaned closer. “No, it’s me, Liliana.”
Mother’s eyes focused on me and she smiled softly. It looked horribly sad on her worn-out face. She’d been so beautiful and proud once, and now she was only a shell of that woman.
“My sweet Lily,” she said.
I pressed my lips together. Mother had never been the overly affectionate type. She’d hugged us and read bedtime stories to us and generally tried to be the best mother she knew how to be, but she’d almost never called us ni