and Illayana deflected, lashing out with her own. I raised an arm up, protecting the side of my head and then reared forward, smashing my forehead into her nose. We traded blow after blow. There was no finesse, no strategy behind the attacks. We just ripped into one another like we were in a good old-fashioned bar brawl.
I knew the day was coming; the moment I told Illayana my deepest, darkest secret. The second I saw that anger roll over her face, taking her over, I knew. I knew she wouldn’t accept anything less than this.
I’d betrayed her, kept things from her no one should keep from their best friend. She wanted to punish me for that. Despite the sadness she felt after hearing what happened, despite holding me and comforting me, she wanted to punish me. The hurt and anger consuming her prevented her from doing anything less.
Illayana rammed into me, tackling me to the ground. My back slammed onto the mat and I grunted, pain shooting up my spine. Illayana jabbed into my side over and over, showing no indication of slowing down. I heaved right and we rolled across the floor. The crowd went wild, cheering us on and demanding more violence. Even though we’d delivered an abundance of it already.
We grappled for the dominant position, grunting and snarling at one another. I ignored the pain in my body, locking it away behind a door in my mind, and used all my strength to put her on her back. I scrambled quickly, locking my legs around her head in a triangle chokehold and squeezed. Illayana choked, trying to draw breath, her free hand scratching uselessly at my skin, but I refused to let go. She was never going to give up, never going to tap out. There was only one way this was going to end. I had to make her pass out.
It took an average of nine-and-a-half seconds to render someone unconscious from a triangle chokehold when applied correctly. We were slowly creeping up to that point.
The moment I felt Illayana’s body start to go lax, I immediately let go, unwinding my limbs from around her neck and lying flat on my back, panting from exhaustion.
Illayana gulped in a huge breath of air, hands moving to her throat as she gasped heavily.
“We done?” I asked, trying to catch my breath.
“Almost.”
I frowned. Before I could think anything more of it, she reached over and struck me across the face.
“Ow!”
“Now we’re done,” she groaned, rolling back onto her back.
Bloody bitch.
She always had to get the last hit in, even if she lost.
I couldn’t help but smile, despite the pain coursing through my body. There was a lot I loved about my best friend. Her wild, crazy, somewhat erratic personality. Her unwavering loyalty. Her fierceness. But what I loved the most was her ability to be one-hundred percent herself. What you saw with her was what you got. Complete genuineness. If she was pissed off or upset with you, she had no problem letting you know it. Even if she knew she was being a tad bit irrational about it. Like then.
We laid sprawled out on the floor of the ring, both of us panting heavily and staring up at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry, you know? Sorry I kept it all from you.”
Illayana turned her head to look at me. “I know you are,” she murmured softly, that anger and fight from moments ago all but gone. “I know you are.” Her voice…
“But you still haven’t forgiven me, have you?”
“I’m not angry anymore.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
She sighed. She sat up and crossed her legs, facing me. I did the same and we stared at each other. Her hair was a mess, a splattering of bruises spreading out over her skin. I had a feeling that I didn’t look much better. She got a couple of really good shots in.
In my peripheral vision, I glimpsed Nikolai leading everyone away, trying to give us the space to talk without prying ears. The only ones who put up a fight where Illayana’s guards. They’d moved too far away for me to hear what they were saying, but I had a feeling it went a little something like this:
“Arturo said we couldn’t let her out of our sight.”
“She needs us to protect her.”
“Ow, why are you hurting me?”
That last one I knew for sure because Nikolai had one of the twins by the back of his neck and he was forcibly making him leave the warehouse.
Eventually it was just Illayana and I.
“I thought we were best friends—” she began.
“We are,” I insisted, cutting her off.
She shook her head. “No, we’re not. Best friends don’t keep something this big from each other. They don’t. You preferred to go through it all alone than call me. Why?” Tears glistened in her eyes. “Did you think I wouldn’t understand? That I wouldn’t be there for you when you needed me? What?”
“Illayana, I-its—” I couldn’t find the words. Not the right ones, anyway. Nothing I thought of seemed right, seemed sufficient to explain it all. But I had to try.
“In that moment, the only person I wanted was Nikolai. Of course I knew you’d come if I called. There was never any doubt in my mind about that. Not one. But…” My words broke off as that all too familiar pain burst inside of my chest, making it impossible to breathe. “In that moment, Nikolai was all I wanted. The only person I was willing to see. Take comfort from. Please, try to understand that.”
“I do.” She leant forward, placing her hand on mine. “I understand why, at the time, you couldn’t tell me. You were dealing with so much. Such loss.” She shook her head. “I can’t even imagine the pain. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that.”
I breathed out a small sigh of relief. We were going to be okay. We—
“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t come to me after. It’s been two years, Tatiana. Two years, and you never said anything. Were you ever planning on telling me? If I didn’t walk in on that conversation with you and your dad, would you have taken this secret to your grave?”
“No!” I answered instantly, then frowned. Now that she asked the question, I wasn’t entirely sure. Would I have? It was true that I didn’t have any intention of telling her anytime soon, but I would have eventually…right?
Illayana smiled but it held no warmth. Only hurt and sadness. “I think we both know that isn’t true, don’t we?”
My mouth opened yet nothing came out. As much as it pained me to admit, she was right. There was never a scenario I’d played out in my head where I told her. I realised that I’d planned to avoid this conversation for as long as humanly possible. That—unintentionally—I’d planned to take this secret to my grave.
“I couldn’t talk about it, Illayana. I just…couldn’t.” Tears fell from my eyes and I didn’t even bother trying to hold them back.
Compassion flashed across her face and she moved to her knees, shuffling forward. She embraced me, burying my face into her shoulder and I cried harder. I cried so hard I could barely breathe, clutching onto her like she was my lifeline. She didn’t say anything, slowly rocking me back and forth as she ran her hands through my hair.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that for. It could have been hours. It could have been minutes. All I knew was that, at the end of it, I was so emotionally exhausted, I felt like I could pass out.
When the crying subsided, replaced with quiet sobbing, Illayana pulled back. She wiped the tears from my face with her thumbs, and it was only then that I realised she’d been crying too.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I really am.”
She gave me a half-smile. I could see in her eyes that she had more to say, but seeing me break down made her hesitant to voice it.
“Go ahead. Say what you want to say.”
She shook her head. “Don’t worry—”
“Say it, Illayana. We need to air it all out now. You’ve never let anything stop you from speaking your mind. Don’t start now. Just say it.”
She chewed on her bottom lip nervously. I nodded once in encouragement and she sighed. “I understand why you didn’t say anything in the moment. I do. But we’re supposed to be best friends, Tatiana. We’re supposed to be there for each other. To comfort one another during those hard and difficult times. The fact that you felt like you couldn’t come to me, confide in me…it hurts. You kept this huge part of your life from me. You lied to me for years. Best friends don’t do that.”
She was right. If the situation was reversed, I’d be incredibly hurt that she kept so much from me.
“There were so many opportunities for you to open up to me. I share everything with you. Everything. And all this time, you’ve been sitting on something huge. Monumental. How am I supposed to trust you now?”
I could tell her that I would never do this again, that I’ll always be honest with her from this point forward. But she wouldn’t believe me. I’d broken her trust, and that was a hard thing to get back. I knew from experience.
I hung my head. “I don’t know where we go from here.”
Illayana was quiet for a moment. “Neither do I.”
Then she got up and left, leaving me sitting in the middle of the ring alone.
“Are you sure you want to leave?” my dad asked, standing in the doorway of my bedroom with the eyes of a concerned parent.
I nodded, stuffing the last of my clothes into my bag. After Illayana walked away, I hunted her down, desperate to fix things.
She didn’t want to see me.
Today was already a hard enough day for her. I didn’t want to add anymore to it than I already had. The best thing for me to do was leave. I wanted to be there for her. For Nikolai too. But I was afraid my presence would further upset her.
I tried texting and calling. No response. I didn’t want to make today all about me, so I told her if she wanted me there, all she had to do was tell me and I’d come straight away. Come hell or high water. And I left her in peace.
I figured I’d go back to New York and start working on some designs for my clothing line. The problem was, I didn’t have a working station. At home, I’d taken over one of the spare rooms and turned it into my “designing den”, set with an industrial table, sewing machine, mannequin, rulers, cork boards, sketch books…everything I needed to create and design my own clothes. I didn’t have anything like that in New York.
“She doesn’t want me here, Dad.”
“She’s just upset. Give her a little time to calm down and I’m sure it will all be okay.”
“That’s what I’m doing.”
“You don’t have to run thousands of miles away to do it, though. You can stay here.”
I shook my head again. “It’s better if I just go.”
He huffed, coming in to sit on the edge of my bed. He knew there was no point in arguing with me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“Dad, this is in no way your fault. The only person to blame here is me. I should have told her a long time ago.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “I had been telling you for a while that you should just bite the bullet and tell her. Could have saved yourself a whole lot of trouble if you’d just listened to me.”
I glared and he laughed.
“I’m just saying. Your old man is wise beyond his years. It wouldn’t kill you to listen to him every once in a while.”
I threw a pillow at his head. “Stop talking about yourself in the third person. It’s weird.”
He laughed again. “Alright. All kidding aside, I have a favour to ask you.”
“What?”
“I want you to meet someone.”
“Someoneee…?” I dragged out.
“He’s the son of one of my friends.”
“You don’t have any friends,” I said automatically. Then his words properly registered in my brain, and I reared back in shock. “Hang on, are you trying to set me up on a date?!” I shrieked.
“No! Well, I mean if you like him, then yes, you could call it a date. But—”
“Dad! No!”
“Just hear me out! His name is Steve. He’s twenty-six, tall, handsome and funny. I think you two could really hit it off.”
“I’m not going out with some random guy,” I said, scrunching up my face.
“Not random. Steve.”
“Oh, well for sure then. Sign me up.”
Dad smiled. “Great! I really thought I’d have to talk you into this more—”
“I’m kidding!” I slapped him in the arm. “Even if I was interested in dating—which I am not—I don’t need your help in finding a date. I can do it on my own.”
“I know that. But I really think you’d like Steve.” I opened my mouth but he held a hand up, silencing me. “Just listen to me first, then you can talk. I’m not asking you to date him. I’m not. I just want you to meet him. Get some food and have a conversation with the man. That’s all. Nothing else.”
“Sounds like a date to me,” I grumbled under my breath. “Why?”
“Because I genuinely think you guys will get along, and even if nothing romantic comes of it, then at least it will give you a friend outside of this life. Outside of the Volkovs.”
I raised my brows in surprise. “He’s not Bratva?”
“No,” he shook his head, his dark blonde hair falling over his face. “Like I said, he’s the son of an old friend of mine from back in Russia. I saw them on my trip. Steve knows of the Bratva but he’s not an active member. Like you. He mentioned he was coming over to New York and I thought you could get together for dinner. That’s all. It doesn’t have to be a date if you don’t want it to be.”
“But you’re hoping it turns into one.”
He shrugged innocently. “If you like him, you like him. For the record, I don’t think he’d ever hurt you like Nikolai did.”
I studied him suspiciously. There was something else going on here. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but he was definitely up to something.
“Sorry, Dad, I’m not interested in dating anyone. Or making new friends. I have a hard enough time keeping the ones I already have. I don’t need anymore.”
“Tatiana, please.” He placed a hand on top of mine, capturing my gaze and holding it with intense, pleading eyes. “I don’t ask you for much. In fact, I ask you for nothing at all. But I’m asking you for this. Do this for me. Please.”
“Arghhh, Dad,” I groaned, dropping my head. He was laying the guilt card on pretty fucking thick. He knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him, especially when he begged like that. Insufferable old man.
“Fine,” I whined. “But it’s not a date. You make sure you tell him that. And you’re not allowed to use that again for the rest of the year. Actually, for the next two years!”
“Good.” He wiped the back of his hand over his forehead, relief filling his face. “Because I already gave him your number and he’s going to message you soon.”
“You what?!”
