“I’m telling you, Doc, there’s something wrong. I can feel it.” I paced up and down the small living room in my aunt and uncle’s house, hand on my swollen belly, silently begging Baby V to move. They say a mother’s intuition started long before the baby was born. Well, they are right, whoever they are. And my Mama Intuition was telling me something was very, very wrong.
All day, I felt like something was off. Usually, Baby V was a ball of activity from the moment the sun rose. He kicked and kicked, moving up and down, side to side, rolling around like he was trying to find the comfiest position he could in the little, cramped space he had.
I’d grown to enjoy it. At first, it felt like there was a little alien living inside me. When he kicked, I could not only feel the movement but see it too. It made me think of those spider-looking creatures in Aliens VS Predator, the ones that burst through your ribcage and out your chest.
I’m not gonna lie, it used to freak me the fuck out. But I’d grown to love it. I looked forward to it every morning. It was like clockwork. He’d push down on my bladder so hard, I had to run to the bathroom or risk pissing my pants. Then he’d move around, as if to say, “Good morning, Mama.”
It made me smile every time. I would speak to him, telling him, “Yes, yes, I feel you,” before going about my day.
But this morning was…different.
I hadn’t felt him move once. It was three o’clock in the afternoon, and my anxiousness had increased so much that I felt sick.
“Did you try the exercises I suggested this morning?” the doctor asked through the phone, his tone calm and understanding.
“Yes. I drank some soda, took a shower, tried eating spicy food. Nothing worked. I still haven’t felt him move.” My voice was shaking, the panic I felt evident. I poked at my belly for the umpteenth time, trying to provoke some kind of movement from him.
It didn’t work.
“Any pains?” the doctor asked.
“There was a little bit of cramping earlier, but that was it. It wasn’t exactly pain. More discomfort.”
“Okay. It could be nothing, Miss Andreeva. Sometimes babies have periods of inactivity where they can go hours without moving. It could mean he’s just sleeping. But if you’re worried, why don’t you come down to the hospital and we can check on the little guy?”
Relief filled me. “Yes, I’d like to do that. Thank you. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
“I’ll let the nurses at reception know, so you’ll be brought right through. Try not to worry. I’m sure he’s fine.” The doctor’s tone wasn’t alarming. It should have calmed me down, but it didn’t. There was this terrible feeling sinking deep into my gut. No matter how positive I tried to remain, it wouldn’t go away.
I rushed out of the house as quickly as I could, making sure to grab the baby bag I packed months ago, just in case. It was filled with all the things I might need for Baby V. Onesies in three different sizes, swaddles, beanies and little mittens, some soft toys (even though I knew he wouldn’t be able to play with them). To say I “overpacked” would be an understatement. My aunt and uncle weren’t home, but they left one of their cars at the house in case I needed it.
When I first contacted them and asked to come and stay for a while, they’d been pleasantly surprised. We didn’t see each other often, maybe only once a year for my dad’s birthday, but that didn’t mean we weren’t close. They called me every now and then to check up on me, and I would do the same for them. They only lived a few hours outside of Vegas, so getting to them hadn’t been an issue. Showing up pregnant, however? That had definitely been an issue.
They pestered me with a million questions.
“Who’s the father?”
“Are you getting married?”
“Does your dad know?”
They were all questions I hadn’t been in the mood to answer. I’d been staying there for over three-and-a-half months, and although they tried everyday to get me to talk, I’d given them nothing.
I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, to talk about what happened with Nikolai.
Argh, the whole thing still made me so raging fucking mad. I’d never pegged Nikolai as an idiot, but man he was really acting like one.
We’d been in a secret relationship for over a year when I found out I was pregnant. I’d been nervous as all hell to tell him, but it turned out all those nerves had been for no reason.
Nikolai was ecstatic when I told him. He’d actually dropped to his knees at my feet and kissed my belly, whispering nonsense to the baby in Russian, like it could understand him. He wanted to tell his family—and everyone else—the news, but I wasn’t ready. I still hadn’t worked up the guts to even tell Illayana that we’d been seeing each other. I needed time. Time to figure out what I was going to say, how I was going to say it. My best friend loved me, but I knew she was going to be pisssssed when I told her.
So, he reluctantly agreed to keep it quiet until I was ready. For five months, it had been easy to hide the pregnancy. I didn’t start to show until well after my first trimester, and then after that I just wore baggy clothes. Designer baggy clothes, but baggy clothes nonetheless.
Then, one horrible afternoon, it all came crashing down. Nikolai accused me of cheating on him with Kurt, one of the Bratva soldiers I’d gone through training with. I had no idea where he got such a stupid fucking idea from, and he didn’t even really explain it either. He just burst through my front door, screaming at me and saying the most awful things.
“I bet the baby isn’t even mine, is it?” he’d hissed in my face, repulsion in his eyes.
Nikolai was the quiet, silent type, but when he was angry? Oh, boy. There was no calming him down, no talking to him.
I tried reasoning with him, tried telling him over and over again I had no idea what he was talking about. That I would never cheat on him, let alone with Kurt! But no matter what I said, he wouldn’t hear it. It was like his mind was already made up, like he had proof. Even though there was none!
“I bet the baby isn’t even mine, is it?”
Those words had played over in my head when he’d left. Once the befuddlement had dissipated, anger quickly stepped in. How fucking dare he? How dare he question my loyalty? Did he not know me at all? Didn’t fucking seem like it.
After Nikolai stormed out, I decided to go away for a while. I was so angry at him for being so fucking stupid. The fact that he wouldn’t accept any of my calls just pissed me off even more. He wouldn’t even give me the chance to talk, to find out why he thought I’d slept with Kurt. It was like he’d just written me off without letting me try to defend myself.
Nikolai was a very possessive guy. If another man even looked at me, he had his gun out and against his head before the dude could blink. Whatever had made him think I’d cheated on him had brought forth this cloud of anger that made it impossible for him to see reason. There was a small, tiny, insignificant part of me that understood. Because if the situation was reversed, I’d be the same. Worse, actually. But that didn’t excuse his behaviour, his words.
“I bet the baby isn’t even mine, is it?”
Once I came to stay with my aunt and uncle, I tried calling again. And again. And again. He ignored every single one. I’d texted, telling him he was being a fucking idiot and that I never slept with Kurt. He never responded. Eventually, I just gave up. I’d give birth to our son, get a DNA test and then shove it in his stupid fucking face. Then I’d make him grovel for the rest of his fucking life.
I pulled up at the hospital and quickly parked the car in the Emergency Bay. This constituted as an “emergency”, and if anyone tried to tell me otherwise, I’d stab them in the fucking throat.
Once I grabbed my baby bag, I quickly rushed inside, going right for the reception desk.
“Hi,” I greeted the older woman with the horn-rimmed glasses. “My name is Tatiana Andreeva. I’m here to see Dr Spendel.”
“Ah, yes. He told me you’d be coming. I’ll just grab a few of your details and then I’ll lead you right on through.”
After I answered her general questions and signed in, she picked herself up off her chair and hobbled to the door, opening it wide for me. I tried to get a grip on my nerves, but it was almost impossible as she led me through the hospital and past all the open exam rooms until she got to the one assigned to me. She pushed the curtain back, revealing a hospital bed, some monitors and one lonely chair in the corner. There was a TV coming down from the roof and some magazines sitting on the long table that ran against the wall.
“Okay, dear, take a seat and make yourself comfortable. Dr Spendel has ordered an ultrasound first, so we’ll get that done and then he’ll be in to see you. Do you need anything? Something to eat or drink?”
I shook my head, placing the baby bag on the bed. I was far too wound up to even think about eating. I’d most likely throw it up if I tried.
The woman, whose name badge read “Maureen”, gave me a reassuring smile. “Alright. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to push the ‘call’ button right there,” she said, pointing to the button. “One of the other nurses will come to help. The ultrasound tech shouldn’t be too long.”
I thanked her and she left, closing the curtain behind her.
With nothing to do but sit there and wait, I pulled out my phone and started flicking through Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter. I had accounts for them all. Instagram was purely for posting pictures of my fashion designs or photo aesthetics. Tik Tok was for when I was bored and felt like a laugh. And Twitter? Well, I didn’t even really know how to use that one, to be honest.
It took nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds for the ultrasound tech to show up. By the time he’d gotten there, I was just a big ball of anxiety and stress. Baby V still hadn’t moved.
“Hello, Tatiana. I’m Bill. I’ll be conducting the ultrasound for you today.” He seemed pleasant enough, with a nice head of dark hair and a pretty smile, but I wasn’t in a particularly chatty mood, so I tried my best to not give my “resting bitch face” and lay down on the bed.
Bill didn’t ask me any questions as he squirted gel onto my exposed stomach. He moved the transducer through it in small circles before expanding wider. My heart was beating a mile a fucking minute. I clenched and unclenched my hands, anxiously waiting to hear what was going on. My palms were sweaty and my breathing had quickened to the point that I was panting. My body started to tremble.
It was stupid of me to come here alone. I should have called someone. My aunt or uncle. My dad. Nikolai.
I needed Nikolai.
Bill frowned at the screen, moving the ultrasound wand over my stomach in the same spot again and again. He clicked a few buttons on the machine, squinting hard as he continued to move the device. Something flashed across his face before he could mask it. It was so quick, I couldn’t figure out what it was.
He gave me a small smile. “Okay. I’m just going to get the doctor now.” He handed me a tissue to wipe the gel away as he rolled the machine to the side.
“Wait, what did the ultrasound say? Is the baby okay?” I asked, sitting up.
“Unfortunately, I can’t discuss the results with you. I’m sorry. That’s for the doctor. I’ll just go get him and I’ll be back in a moment.”
“No,” I exclaimed, my anxiety spiralling. “You can’t do that. You have to tell me. He-he’s okay, isn’t he?”
Bill averted his eyes for the briefest second, the mask slipping away before he was able to put it back on his face. “I’ll go get the doctor.” He rushed out of the room, making it impossible for me to question him further.
Panic squeezed my chest to the point that I struggled to breathe. I didn’t know what was going on, but I’d seen enough Grey’s Anatomy episodes to know that, whatever it was, was bad. Tears welled in my eyes, blurring my vision. I took my phone out of my pocket, my hands trembling as I pulled up Nikolai’s number and hit CALL.
The phone rang three times before it got sent to voicemail.
He’d rejected the call.
No, please, Nikolai. Please. Answer. I called him again and again, each one going straight to voicemail.
He turned off his phone.
Oh, God, no.
He can’t do this to me. I need him. We need him.
Bill returned with Dr Spendel, their faces calm but eyes tense. My fear increased, heart pounding. Dr Spendel wore the traditional white lab coat, a stethoscope hanging around his neck. He had that comforting, older father vibe, the one that just put you at ease. He was slightly on the chubby side, with a thick head of hair and a kind smile.
“Miss Andreeva, I apologise for the wait. How are you doing?”
My first response usually would have been, “How the fuck do you think I’m doing?” But I held back from snapping at him so we could get on with it. I needed to know what was going on with my son, if he was okay.
Please be okay.
“Fine,” I replied, frowning as Bill pulled the ultrasound machine back over to the side of the bed.
Dr Spendel looked at me with sympathetic eyes. “I know from our earlier phone call that you’re worried, and you must be feeling incredibly anxious, so I won’t keep you waiting any longer. I’m just going to take a quick look and see what’s going on.”
I wanted to ask why he needed to look when Bill had only looked moments ago, but I said nothing as he lifted my shirt and squirted gel on my stomach.
Bill tried to fill the silence with mundane questions about me and my life. He was trying to distract me, but it wasn’t working. All of my focus was on Dr Spendel as he moved the ultrasound wand over my stomach, on the small crease in the middle of his bushy eyebrows that gradually got deeper and deeper.
“Well?” I asked, cutting Bill off mid-sentence.
Could he not read the bloody room? Why would I want to answer questions about what I like to do in my spare time when I was anxiously waiting to hear about what was going on with my son?
Dr Spendel cleared his throat and gave me a small smile. “Okay, we’re all done. Bill, if you could please take the machine and give us the room. Thank you.”
“Dr Spendel,” I pushed, irritated by the fact that neither of them were giving me an answer. “Is. The. Baby. Okay?”
Dr Spendel grabbed the chair and placed it next to me, sitting down. “Tatiana,” he exhaled, sadness layering his voice. “While conducting the ultrasound, I was unable to find a heartbeat. I am truly so sorry to have to tell you this, but your baby has passed away.”
My whole world came crashing down.
No. No. No. NO!
Tears gathered in my eyes. I wailed, wrapping my arms around my stomach. “No!” I screamed, crying hysterically. Time slowed as the worst, most agonising pain I’d ever experienced cut through me. My heart, my soul, everything inside me died right there. With my son.
I felt myself get pulled down into a deep, dark void where I couldn’t hear a thing. I could see Dr Spendel talking, see his lips moving, but his words were coming through like static.
“Cord…wrapped around…nothing you could have done…not your fault…”
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, pretending like I could understand what he was saying, pretending like I was listening.
I knew I should have come in sooner. All day, I’d felt like something wasn’t right, that it was weird that I hadn’t felt him move. But I’d done nothing.
I’d. Done. Nothing.
I was his mother. It was my job to protect him. He was supposed to be safe with me. How could I let him down that way?
“I’ll give you the medication that starts dilation, then the pitocin, and your body will know what to do from there.”
I looked up into Dr Spendel’s eyes. “I’m sorry? Pitocin?” My voice was hoarse. I felt numb. None of it seemed real. Was it real? Was I dreaming?
Oh, god, please let me be dreaming. Let me wake up in my bed with Nikolai, with our son kicking like crazy in my belly.
Please, God. Don’t do this to me. Don’t take him from me.
He frowned slightly. “To induce labour.”
I repeated his words in a trance. “Induce labour?” More tears fell, the pain overwhelming. “You’re saying I have to give birth to him, even though he’s-he’s…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
Compassion flashed across Dr Spendell’s face. “Is there someone I can call for you?” he asked. “I know this is a lot. I want to make sure you’ve got the support you need.”
Nikolai. I need Nikolai.
With shaky hands, I tried to call him again. But he didn’t answer.
