In which there is no way to process this much loss.
Lucya…
For a couple of seconds, as I return to consciousness, everything’s okay. I’m in a warm bed, there’s the low soothing buzz of a jet engine.
Then, I remember.
I let out an enormous, gasping sob, my soul feels torn from my chest and I can’t breathe.
Alexi is gone.
I remember the blood spreading rapidly from his head, horribly bright against the shiny white floor and I wail uncontrollably, arms wrapped around my stomach.
I want to die, too.
There’s nothing left in this world for me.
Dmitri’s men haul me off the jet after tying my wrists and ankles. I’d managed to break someone’s nose and another man grunted in pain as my elbow met his throat, but there were so many of them.
They throw me in the backseat of a black car and my only comfort is that I’m alone. The two men in front sit silently as I scream and curse at them.
I’m shocked when I see the warm lights of our family home. I thought they’d take me to a prison somewhere, or worse, the Turgenev mansion. The front door opens and my mother stands there, silhouetted in the glow from the massive chandelier.
“Lucya? Lucya!” she shrieks, racing down the marble steps. “Take these restraints off my daughter! How dare you-”
The men carrying me to the house ignore her, dumping me in the front hall. “The Pakhan instructs you to get Miss Dubrovina ready for their wedding. Everything will continue as planned for the ceremony.”
She helps me sit up, arms curled around me protectively. “What do you mean? Where is Alexi Turgenev?”
“Your daughter Lucya is marrying the Pakhan,” the guard says indifferently. “His engagement to Inessa Dubrovina is terminated. The Pakhan wishes to have a security team stay here to be sure things go smoothly.”
“What are you saying?” Mother gasps, “Are you insane? Tell me, where is Alexi Turgenev?”
“He’s dead,” he says indifferently. “Lucya Dubrovina belongs to the Pakhan now.”
Reality hits me as vividly as the image of Alexi’s sightless gaze on the hangar floor and I wail, sobbing uncontrollably as the men gently shut our front door and my mother rocks me, weeping too.
“You have to eat.”
I haven’t moved from my position in bed all day, curled on my side, staring at the wall.
“I can’t. I threw up everything you tried to make me eat last night.” My mother’s hovering over me and I feel bad for upsetting her, but not enough to move.
Her voice sharpens. “How long have you been vomiting?”
“This morning,” I say, trying to push through the cotton candy wrapped around my brain. I think she gave me something in my tea last night because I fell asleep mid-sob.
“What about in Boston?” She sits on the side of my bed, taking my hand.
“Boston?” I repeat stupidly.
“Did you vomit back home in Boston? Maybe you thought you had a stomach bug?”
“I…” Oh. I did throw up, a couple of days ago. I’d blamed the clams we’d had for dinner. “Yes.”
Smoothing back my hair, she leans in to kiss my cheek. “I’m going out,” she whispers. “Don’t talk to anyone until I get back. Do you understand?”
“Sure.” I stare at the wall while I wait to fall back asleep.
“Wake up, my girl, you need to wake up…”
“Please leave me alone,” I moan, but my mother is relentless, shaking me awake. I’ve been asleep for a while. The streetlights are shining through my windows and she hovers over me, clutching a bag.
“Get up. You need to go into the bathroom and-”
“Why? Please just let me sleep.” I try to close my eyes again and this time, she shakes me hard enough to rattle my teeth.
“You have to take a test,” she whispers, “take it now.” I realize she’s holding a pregnancy test and it takes me a full minute to understand.
I could be pregnant.
Alexi’s baby, and mine.
I could have his baby.
Letting out a convulsive sob, I grab the bag and stand up, swaying a little. Mother hurries to wrap an arm around my waist. “Come on dorogoy, my sweetheart. We need to know.”
She’s bought five tests, and I pee on each one, lining them up on a little bed of toilet paper, and wash my hands, staring at the single line on each one.
“I’m coming in.” Opening the door, she hurries in to stand next to me.
“Mat’, if I’m pregnant, then…” I want this. I want this baby more than anything I can imagine. There will still be part of Alexi in this world.
One by one, each indicator changes to two lines, and we laugh until we both cry again, clinging to each other, tears splashing onto the counter and the little plastic sticks.
The next day…
“There you are.”
I’m sitting on the chair next to my window, staring at the Neva River, frozen in place below me. Skaters are navigating the rough ice and laughing. Lovers skating hand in hand, parents chasing after their children.
Inessa is leaning against the open door. I remember my mother’s fierce instructions last night. “Do not tell anyone, anyone about this! Especially not your sister.”
“I was there, you know, that day at the stables.” She wanders in, sitting on my bed. I’m shocked at the change. Inessa was never less than perfectly groomed, with makeup on, and hair done. Even at home. My sister looks ragged, biting at a cuticle.
“What day?” My brain is essentially oatmeal, and I try to focus on what she’s saying.
“That day at the stables, just before Otets was killed,” she clarifies, unsmiling. “I was supposed to pick you both up and bring you to lunch.”
That day, I remember. Everything from our talk to the embarrassment of Alexi overhearing us.
Apparently, he wasn’t the only one.
“Inessa, I…”
“I heard Otets say that he loved you best,” she says, tucking her hands into the sleeves of her sweater. “It was always you, wasn’t it? I tried to be a good sister, I’d invite you out with my friends, and I would include you. It was never enough. You had to have everything that was mine.”
“Do you hear yourself right now?” I hiss, leaning forward, “I’m sorry that you heard what Father said, but it was because he worried about you and Mom, he wanted to make sure you were always taken care of. I worked so you could go to college. I’ve always-”
“Do you know what it’s going to look like?” Inessa screams at me and I jump, clutching my book. “Dmitri has taken me everywhere! Everyone knew we were getting married on Thursday! But not anymore, right? Now he’s marrying you? What did you say to him? Did you fuck him?”
“Are you serious?” I gasp. “I’m sorry. This is horrible.” Tears stream down my face. “He murdered Alexi! I watched Dmitri shoot him and you think I want that fucking piece of shit?”
“I don’t understand it,” she sobs, “it’s not like Dmitri was my dream man but I accepted it. I did everything right! And now you’re going to walk down the aisle in my wedding dress carrying my flowers, and-”
I throw my book and it hits the wall hard, right next to her head. “Did you hear me? Dmitri murdered Alexi! He shot him three times, right in front of me!” My voice is rising and I can’t stop it. “Do you fucking understand? He killed the-”
Oh, fuck, I almost said “the father of my child.”
“I’m sorry that you’re embarrassed, Inessa. But the man I love is dead. And I’d rather be dead than marry his murderer. How can you not see any of this? Why is it always about you?”
Her eyes widen furiously. “You’re the one that everyone loves best! Otets loved you, I’m sure Mother does, and-”
“Get out.” I rub my swollen eyes. “Get the fuck out of here.”
“You have to understand what you’ve done to-”
Leaping to my feet, I push her so hard that she nearly tumbles back onto the bed. “Get out, Inessa. Leave me the fuck alone.”
The door slams and I sit back in my chair, watching the sun set over the frozen city.
