Present
I’ve woken up alone every single day for the past ten years.
I should have known this morning would be no different.
I don’t even bother to strain my ears to see if I can hear Sloane moving around the apartment. I could tell from the trepidation in her gaze last night and the coldness of the sheets beside me now that she’s gone.
She ran.
Was it naïve of me to think that she’d still be here when I woke up and we would be able to talk things out this morning? Probably.
But damn if I didn’t hope.
And fuck if it doesn’t hurt.
She doesn’t owe me anything, but it’s still painful as hell having her so close once more but not being able to hold onto her.
Still, even if last night is all I’ll ever get from her, it’s more than I ever thought possible.
In the years when she was gone, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever see her again. I had resigned myself to being alone, and I was okay with that. It was true what I told Sloane; I couldn’t bear the thought of being with another woman. Not when I’d had her and lost her. Not when no one could ever compare to what we had.
What we still have, that little voice in the back of my mind whispers, and I roll my eyes at myself. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I knew me and Sloane being together again would be amazing, and that the connection we shared before would never go away, but last night was something else.
It wasn’t even just the sex. That’s not something I’ve ever really put first when it came to her. Sure, I love fucking her, but I love everything else about her more. The fact that I got to sleep with her in my arms for most of the night is a goddamn miracle.
I got to stare into those eyes. I got to breathe in her scent. I got to fucking hold her.
But now she’s gone, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get that chance again.
I check the time and see that it’s just after nine.
Christ, I can’t remember the last time I slept so late. Luckily, I don’t have any work today. Though I do have family dinner at the estate to celebrate Izzy’s birthday, which should be fucking thrilling. I can’t wait to be questioned about my night with Sloane by my nosy as hell, interfering family.
Once I finally pry myself out of bed, I use the bathroom before heading out to the kitchen. What I see resting on the island stops me in my tracks.
Bile crawls up my throat as I pour a coffee and stare at the piece of paper resting on the counter, my name scrawled in Sloane’s handwriting staring up at me. Please, for the love of fuck, do not be a goodbye letter.
Marco,
Thank you for last night.
Okay, no. That’s not how I want to start this letter. Thanking you for only last night seems like a letdown when it was one of the best nights of my life. What we shared last night didn’t only penetrate the walls of ice I’ve spent years building around my heart, but it completely shattered them.
I won’t lie to you, Marco. At least not anymore. You told me last night that you haven’t been with anyone else since me, and I’m ashamed to say I can’t say the same. I know you wouldn’t have expected me to remain celibate, but I will tell you that it did feel like a betrayal to you even while we were apart.
You see, I’ve spent years trying to get over you. I’ve spent years trying to forget the sound of your voice, your smile, your laugh, and everything else that makes you, you. It was redundant.
It has always been you.
How could I love another, when you owned my very soul? How could I move on, when I left a part of myself behind?
I gave myself to you ten years ago, and even though I now know the reasons behind what you did, I still feel that pain every day.
You are, and always will be, the best man I have ever known. And I know I am the luckiest woman alive to be loved by you, but sometimes love isn’t enough. I need time to sort through my feelings on everything I’ve learned recently. I need time to figure out who I am after learning the truth.
To say the past changed me would be a vast understatement. I need to come to terms with the truth before I can move forward, and it’s not fair to you for me to drag you along with me doing that. I have a lot of healing to do, and to do that, I need to do it alone.
I hope one day I can come back to you, but I don’t want you to wait for me. It’s okay to move on if you meet someone who makes you happy.
Just know that I’ll always be thinking of you.
Yours,
Sloane.
She’s leaving. Again.
I can hardly breathe as I stare down at the letter. The words blur, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the wetness in my eyes or because my hands are trembling so hard the paper shakes before slipping through my fingers and dropping to the floor.
I grab my cup and throw it against the wall, the sound of shattering porcelain mixing with the thundering of my pulse. It makes me itch to find a gun and fucking shoot something and I watch as coffee drips down the white walls before taking a deep breath and sitting my ass down in front of the island. My hands find my hair and I tug on it as if the physical pain will help ease the ache inside my chest.
I once promised myself that if I ever found her again, I’d never let her go, no matter what I had to do to keep her. But how the hell can I force her to stay, knowing everything I do now?
You can’t.
She’s been through more pain and suffering than anyone should ever have to deal with.
Her abusive father.
The death of her mother.
Me breaking her heart.
Having to be separated from her twin brother just so she would be safe.
The loss of our baby.
The death of her aunt.
The pain of knowing it was her father’s actions that led to everything that transpired.
In all the years she’s been gone, the hope that resided in my mind of her returning has been my lifeline.
When I first met Izzy, it was so hard to be around her because of how much she reminded me of Sloane. And not because they look alike, but because they’re both strong as fuck women who, despite growing up around the horrors that can be found in our world, turned into two amazing women who both carry a strength within them. Neither Sloane nor my sister-in-law have let what has happened to them shape who they turned out to be. So many women in our twisted world turn out to be meek and vulnerable. Broken. But not Sloane and Izzy.
It took a while, but I eventually managed to be around her without her reminding me of Sloane.
And then Sloane walked into that hospital room and my world flipped on its axis. It was like everything seemed to align, like we may actually have a chance.
It feels as though I have loved Sloane my entire life. I love that woman with everything I have and everything I am. She owns me.
That gorgeous girl who stepped out onto that balcony that night flipped my world upside down. She made me fall for her so hard, so fast, and so fucking thoroughly, that I’ve never been the same since. And I honestly wouldn’t want to be.
My little warrior could ask me for the world and I would find a way to give her it. No amount of time or distance has ever changed the way I feel about her, and that isn’t about to change.
She told me to move on if I found someone who could make me happy, but she doesn’t realize the only woman on Earth who could ever make me happy is her. She doesn’t realize that I would wait ten lifetimes just for a chance to hold her once more. She doesn’t realize that she is the reason my heart beats. The reason my lungs fill with oxygen in every breath. She doesn’t realize that she is my sole purpose, and that she always has been.
I love Sloane more than life.
I love her enough to let her go.
I guess I just have to hope she comes back to me.
