The morning dawn’s clear and new, and when I wake up, my chest isn’t tight and I don’t feel immediately angry at the world. The light streaming in through the open windows feels warm across my face, and I shade my eyes and sit up with a stretch.
The window is never open. It’s too much of a hazard. But I find Mel at the vanity, dressed in a gown made of a soft blue fabric that has me thinking of clear days.
My head must really still be hazy with sleep because I don’t immediately feel like slipping my hands around her neck.
She turns to me with a smile. ‘I’ve called Daniel. He’s on his way here with Lucian. I thought you might like to meet him finally.’
And without warning, a nervous sweep of emotions makes its way through me. He’s my son, and I shouldn’t be worried about meeting him. But I am. ‘What does he know about me?’
I swing my feet out of bed and feel a surge of lust when Mel slides her eyes slowly over my skin. I take a step towards her and then stop when I remember I’m supposed to be mad at her.
I grind my molars and run a hand through my hair in frustration.
‘Nothing much. He’s been too young to really ask. And Daniel and your brothers had taken much of a rather active role in his life.’
So my son doesn’t know about me. But more than that… every damned person in my life does, minus me.
My heart wrenches painfully, and I swivel from her to the bathroom, where I shower fast, muttering all the time about how I want to meet my son.
I smile in the mirror, making a caricature of what I think a disarming smile should look like. I shake my head and then step out of the bathroom into the room where Mel is missing.
I take a long time dressing, discarding my usual black for more colors, all the while thinking of my son, praying he likes me, hoping he doesn’t hate me at first sight. I step into a pair of soft home sandals and call Ryder finally.
He picks up immediately, almost as though he’d been waiting for my call. ‘Cancel all the meetings I have today. I’ll be unavailable.’
Ryder is silent for a second. ‘Sandro already called. He’s in trouble. He might need help.’
‘I don’t fucking care if all the world burns to the ground. Cancel everything.’
I hang up the phone and drop it to the bed before walking out of the room. I can already hear voices as I walk down the stairs. I stop and raggedly exhale. Then I stride into the kitchen where the voices are coming from.
The boy is the first person I see because he’s sitting on the island, his head bent towards Mel, who looks up at me with a nervous smile. He turns to me with an almost smile; then he holds his hands out to his mother, who lifts him from the island.
Immediately his feet touch the ground, he walks over to me in a strong parody of my own confident stalk that has me almost smiling too. He stops in front of me and holds his hand out in a handshake.
‘My mom says you’re my dad.’
And I’m floored, just like that. He has my heart and all of me too.
Everything there is to give has been given. I bend a knee before him, an action I never have taken even once in the entirety of my life.
‘Yes, I am. My name’s Xander Amory.’
Then I shake his hands before pulling him snug into me and promising to never let him go. There is no doubt he’s mine. None at all. He smells of Mel’s hug and the slight breezy smell of a warm bath.
Lucian pulls away and smiles. ‘My mom says this is your house. Which makes it my house, and I have my own room too.’
I nod and smile right back. ‘And any other room you could need.’
Mel sniffles, and I look at her, just at the same time Lucian does too, tilting his head as though he doesn’t understand why. ‘Mommy’s crying.’ He states factually.
Mel wipes a quick hand across her face. ‘I’m not. Really, Lucian, mommy has happy tears.’
I feel my guts squeeze painfully tight. And I know keeping the child from me must have hurt her as much as it hurt me because she’s crying.
With joy, her eyes are alight, and though they’re swimming in what is definitely tears, I know that she’s happy.
Lucian lets me go and runs to Mel, who lifts him into her arms and sinks her head into his hair, hugging him tight. And finally, I look away from them because I feel weird. A way I’ve never felt since she left my house six years ago.
She lifts her head to smile at me, and though I don’t return the smile, I do not look away. Someone sighs, and I startle, turning to clock another woman by the stove.
I almost swear before remembering my son in the room. But my voice is still tight when I address her. ‘Who are you?’
‘She’s Hailey. Lucian’s nanny.’
I exhale harshly and relax marginally. I pat my body and jerk to a rigid freeze of my entire muscles when I realize I do not have my guns on me.
I’d left them upstairs last night. I clench my fists, fucking mistakes like this are how people end up dead on the cold ground.
‘Can I go see my room?’ Lucian’s voice breaks into my thoughts, and I wonder suddenly if I really want a gun around that innocence.
It’s a question I do not have a quick answer for, which makes me feel a mess of emotions—makes me think Mel was right to keep him away from me.
The silent woman takes a look at my face, throws another look at Mel, and holds her arms out to Lucian. ‘Come on, I’ll take you. Then maybe we can paint a bit?’
Lucian nods and wiggles down from Mel’s arms, and then he’s gone with Hailey. It’s quiet for a long second with a pregnant silence.
‘He doesn’t hate me,’ I say.
Mel walks towards me. ‘I didn’t train him to. I swear I never would’ve done that to us. It would’ve hurt me as much as you.’
‘And I’m thinking he’s better off without me, because you’re right. He deserves the childhood you can give that I never had.’
Mel knits her brows like she doesn’t understand where it’s coming from. I shake my head because I don’t want to think about it but I know it feels like the truth. Now that I have a son, now that I’ve met him.
I know without a doubt I never want any harm coming to him, and the fact that said harm might, in fact, come from me is downright more worrying than staring into the barrel of a gun aimed at my head.
‘Stop, Xander. Let’s take this a moment at a time.’ She slips into my arms and lays her head against my chest. Her chest expands on a deep inhale. ‘I’m so glad you’ve finally met him.’
I lift her head with my fingers and press a hot kiss to her lips. She responds, running a hand through the hair at my nape to graze my scalp with her nails.
I probe at her parted lips and slide my tongue over hers slowly, and she creeps even closer as though she wants to climb into me.
I tug at the neck of her dress and slip a hand into the neck of the bodice to cup her breasts as she makes a sexy little needy moan that has me going rock hard in my pants.
‘Fuck. You taste like heaven and a side of something sweet.’
‘Can’t imagine what that tastes like, but I could say you taste even better.’ She puffs at me, tugging at my shirt.
I nip at her jaw, grazing my teeth along the soft, warm flesh to the corner of her lips, then to her ears, which I suck into my mouth and bite down on hard, leaving a mark and the ring of my teeth.
I lift her into my arms, and I’m about to deposit her on the kitchen island when the sound of footsteps breaks in between us.
I inhale hard and exhale a rush of hungry air, then straighten the bodice of her dress because anyone who gets a look at my wife will die a very torturously long death.
Ryder comes into the kitchen the next moment. His eyes are hard, and his lips are curled in a hard smile, which he directs at Mel first.
‘Good morning, Melissa.’
Mel pulls away and nods at him before throwing me a long look and folding a hand across her breasts. I know that look, and I recognize the look of desperation on Ryder’s face.
Something’s wrong with work, and he’s wondering if he should spill with her here. And Mel’s look either means she’s not going anywhere or she desperately wants to go elsewhere.
I turn and walk away from her. Ryder follows me out of the kitchen. Because whether Mel wants to listen or not, I’m not discussing this shit anywhere close to where my son might hear.
I walk to the door and step outside. I nod sharply at the door, and Ryder pulls it shut behind me. Romero is standing guard outside this morning and sends me a greeting. I reply and then fold my hands across my chest.
‘Before you say a word. You’re not to let even a whiff of business around my son. If he’s in the house, then we do not discuss business in the house. Understand?’
Ryder tilts his head to the side, and I slant mine the same way. ‘Do you or do you not fucking understand me, Ryder?’ I grate out.
‘I understand.’
‘And no swearing around him. Not a slip. Tell that to the rest of the men.’
‘Yes, boss. I understand.’
‘Now what’s wrong?’
‘Sandro’s men were ambushed by the fucking Russians. Three men dead. Four captured, which is a fate worse than death.’
I jerk and still. ‘How long ago was this?’ I ask.
‘Last night. Just after I dropped you off, I received Intel from him this morning. He’s asking for a meeting. He wants to pull out.’
I won’t have a meeting. ‘Have the Russian routes shut down. Two should be enough to show we’re serious.’
Ryder bares his teeth in a humorless smile, then hacks a harsh cough from his lungs. ‘We can’t afford to shut down the routes. We’ll lose as well.’
‘No, we won’t. Have the men stay armed at all times. Shut down the drugs for two days. Everything. Their entire livelihood is drugs and the women. Shut down the drugs.’
Ryder sighs and stretches his body out. ‘Alec called.’
‘Fuck him,’ I growl at him. ‘If we’re done here, I’ll be spending time with my son the rest of the day.’
‘Xander…’
‘I’m the boss, Ryder, and I say this conversation is fucking over. Do not push me.’
He nods and walks away, already pulling his phone from his pocket. Fucking Russians always messing things up at the worst moments.
I’ll need to speak to Sandro soon, but for now, I step back into the house. I follow the stairs and then the long hallway till the sound of giggles leads me to Lucian’s room, where Mel is blowing raspberries into his stomach. His giggles sound like peace.
I screw my eyes shut.
The wife I wanted. The son I wanted. Both of them are right here. Right next to me.
So why does it all feel so wrong?
