ROWAN
Ipound the leather bag, watching it swing as I try in fucking vain to exorcise the pain that feels like it’s splitting me in two. The other Shadows leave me alone, like they can feel the darkness that surrounds me, its inky tendrils eating out to all who come near, ready to contaminate them. It can only be chased away by a golden-haired angel, but she has her own anguish to deal with and I can’t give her mine too.
The metal chains holding the bag clink, loud in the space, even over the sound of the music that fills the Shadows’ gym. My knuckles split hours ago, the blood dripping down my arms, leaving a mess on the floor that I couldn’t give a fuck about.
“Rowan?” Her soft voice pierces the fog, and I pause, gripping the bag in my trembling hands before it swings and hits me in the face. She’s behind me. I can feel her there as surely as if she were standing up against me, such is the strength of our connection.
I stand there, chest heaving, the voice inside me screaming and begging to be set free, but I shut it down and lock it up tight as my chest heaves. She appears in my peripheral vision, her eyes wide, tears making them sparkle.
“Oh, my love,” she chokes out, and it’s another laceration on an already bleeding corpse, barely making me flinch. The pain I’m in is too great already. “Hang on, darling.”
She’s gone and I waver on my feet, powerful hands catching me before I fall over. “Come on, brother. I’ve got you,” Hunt’s voice says, taking my weight and helping me to one of the benches.
I don’t have a brother, not anymore.
I want to roar the words, but as has been the case for the past fourteen days, nothing comes out. I wonder if I’ll ever speak again, or if I am now mute, his death having taken away my ability to talk with him.
Iris says, “Here,” as she kneels and takes one of my hands in hers, using a hot, wet towel to gently wash my busted knuckles. Her hand is so much smaller than mine, and I marvel for a moment at the lack of pain as she swipes the blood away. Then I grimace when I see white, the bone peeking through.
“Drink this,” Hunt commands, holding a bottle of Lucozade to my lips. He doesn’t give me much choice, and soon, the sweet orange flavour is sliding past my lips and it’s all I can do not to choke on it.
I glare at him, and he just raises a brow back. He never took my shit.
“Thank you,” Iris says as Bubby hands her a roll of bandage. The skin around his eyes is red-rimmed, his hood up and hiding most of his face as he looks at me with eyes so sad I want to rage, to shriek and snarl at this fucked up world that would take my twin away from me.
But I remain silent as they clean me up, Hunt making me drink the whole fucking bottle before passing me a protein bar. “You need to eat, Rowan.”
I don’t want to, my stomach rebelling at the thought of going on when my brother, my twin and the person who is—was—the other half of me, is no longer here.
“Please,” Iris begs, taking one of my now wrapped hands and placing it on her round stomach. “We still need you, Roo. So fucking much.”
As if sensing my turmoil, the babe inside her kicks, reminding me I must carry on, if not for myself, then for them. I bring the unwrapped bar to my lips, taking a bite. It tastes like fucking ash in my mouth, and it’s an effort to chew and swallow the disgusting morsel. But I do it, staring into the beautiful hazel eyes of the other part of my soul and letting them soothe some of the anguish.
“We’re going for a walk, maybe to get some bits for the baby,” my Lamb tells me, her voice soft and gentle, like I’m a wild animal on the brink of turning feral. Maybe that’s more accurate than I’d like to admit. She is the only thing holding me together.
“You’re coming,” Hunt declares, and my upper lip curls at him like I really am an animal. I don’t want to feel the sunshine on my face, not while he no longer can. “You’re coming, Rowan.” His green eyes are unyielding, as hard as I’ve ever seen them. There’s no winning when he’s like this, so I give a single dip of my head. “Good. Finish that and get washed up.”
I eat the rest of the bar, Iris talking enough to cover my silence, telling us what she thinks we still need for the baby. I know what she’s trying to do, distract me from the pain that rages like a maelstrom inside me, tearing me apart and leaving devastation in its wake.
As soon as I’ve finished, I help Iris up, my jaw clenching when she winces, clearly having knelt on the floor too long because of me. Fuck’s sake, can I not even make sure she’s unharmed?
Without a backward glance, I storm into the locker room, stripping off my clothes and heading for the shower. I turn it right down to freezing, needing the shock to feel something other than pain. A hiss leaves my lips when the ice-cold water hits my overheated skin, the bandages on my hands quickly soaking through.
I stand there, under the sharp, icy spray, and try to shed the pain that’s threatening to choke me.
“Can you turn the temperature up, please?” I open my eyes to find Iris standing there, naked and looking like a fucking fertility goddess or some shit, her rounded stomach filling my dick with blood despite the cold water flowing down over me. Her nipples are peaked, her breasts bigger and almost swollen looking.
My heart thuds inside my chest, and I twist to make the water warmer. For her, because I surely don’t deserve it. Not after I let him down. Not after I let him be taken right from under my nose.
Once the water has heated, I hold my hand out, and she takes it in hers, tutting when she sees my soaked bandages. I pull her towards me, our skin flush and not a breath of air between us. Her entire body sighs, her hands on my chest as she looks up into my eyes.
“Kiss me, Roo,” she demands quietly, but I’m helpless to resist her and so desperate to forget this turmoil that I lower my head, pressing my lips to hers.
My body shudders, my dick fully hard now and pressed against her soft flesh as my hands slip into her hair and pull her closer. She whimpers and something inside me snaps. Tearing my lips from hers, I spin her, pull out her hips, and then line myself with her puffy pussy lips. They’re swollen too, ripe and ready for me, begging me.
We’ve not touched each other this way since that night, and suddenly, I know that if I don’t have her now, I will die as surely as Roman did. With a snarl at that thought, I sink inside her, her walls gripping me so fucking tight because she’s not quite ready for me. I don’t care, not even with her gasp of pain. I just keep pushing until I’m once again flush with her, buried to the hilt.
“It’s not your fault,” she whispers as I hold still, panting. My head snaps up to find her looking over her shoulder at me, her beautiful eyes heavy with lust and sadness. “His death is not your fault, Roo.”
My jaw works, then my lips peel back as I practically hiss at her, my fingers digging into her lush hips. In punishment, I pull almost all the way out, then slam back inside her wet heat. Her body accepts my intrusion more readily this time, her gasp part pleasure-filled, and it makes me angry.
“It’s not your fault,” she repeats, and I make a sound between a yell and a growl, repeating the move until I’m fucking her with such force her breath punches out of her. “It’s. Not. Your. Fault.” Her words are panted, and a sob falls from my chest.
“Yes, it is,” I rasp, my hips punching into her from behind as the words are dragged from my lips. They sound foreign, like they’re not mine at all. “I didn’t even know he was gone until it was too late.” Tears mix with the water on my cheeks, my pace no less punishing as I give a voice to the thoughts that have been plaguing me for two fucking weeks.
“It’s not your fault, my love,” she replies, ending on a moan when I swivel my hips while buried inside her, hitting her G-spot. “You are not to blame.”
“Then why does it hurt so much?” I beg, my thrusts becoming shallow as I crowd her against the tile wall, my body needing to feel hers. I can’t stop the movement of my hips, needing her more than I need air at this moment. “Why does every breath I take feel like a betrayal?”
“Because you loved him, Roo,” she whispers, her face turned to the side, her eyes open even as her lashes flutter. They’re dotted with moisture, a mixture of tears and the droplets from the shower, which still flows to the side of us.
“I miss him so fucking much, Lamb,” I confess, my hands leaving her hips, one going to her hair and pulling her neck back so I can stare into her eyes. The other kneads her breast, playing with her nipple. “It’s like I’m split in half and one side is missing.”
“I know, my love,” she chokes out, a moan falling from her plush lips as my hand leaves her breast, circles her stomach, and dips between her legs.
Like the rest of her, her clit is engorged and begging for attention, so I give it some, strumming and playing with it as I fuck her slow and deep.
“Never leave me, Lamb,” I order her, heat pooling low in my stomach, pleasure skating up and down my spine as her pussy clenches and releases around my cock. “You are the other half of me, and I can’t survive without you.”
“I’m here,” she tells me, her voice deep and husky as her body tightens, her release almost upon her. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I bury my face in her neck, my hips picking up speed along with my fingers on her clit, desperate to feel her fall apart as I do the same. It takes mere moments, her climax setting off my own as we explode together. I’m buried so deep I don’t know where I end and she begins, and even though she’s already carrying a child, I push my hips deeper, filling her up with my cum.
Both our chests heave with panted breaths, my body wrapped around hers as the shower continues to fall and we just exist. Then the pain flows back in, but it’s not as sharp as before, not as cutting.
“I love you, Iris,” I murmur into her hair, placing a kiss on her temple and just holding her to me.
“I love you, Rowan,” she answers, her arms pulling mine around her, and we spend a few moments just holding each other, breathing each other in.
I’ll never be the same without Roman. He was a fundamental part of me, perhaps the better part. But as I stand here, holding the woman who is now also a part of me, I know that one day I’ll be okay. Because she is the reason to keep going, to wake up each morning and take my next breath.
