It’s been years since I last set foot on Irish soil. The last time I was here, it was for a similar reason to why I’m here now.
To say goodbye.
With Evie’s hand in mine, I climb the steps up to a white front door and press the buzzer. The noise jolts through me, setting my heart off-rhythm, and Evie clasps our joined hands in her other hand in silent comfort.
The home where my father stays is quite nice at a glance. A beautiful garden for the residents to spend their time, cozy bedrooms that they can decorate themselves, a games room with everything from cards to board games, and even a safe kitchen for those still eager to try a little cooking. Everything looks exactly as I remember as we’re led through the home to one of the sitting rooms near the back of the building.
“How has he been?” I ask the man escorting us.
“Conor is an absolute pleasure to be around,” he replies. “Keeps his head down, never causes a fuss. He’s very partial to a raspberry trifle.” He chuckles as he holds open the door. “Take all the time you need.”
I walk in first with Evie by my side. Cian and Saoirse walk silently at my back, less inclined to see our father in such a position. It’s hard for them—it’s hard for all of us. Ma stayed back at the farm because she couldn’t handle looking into the eyes of the man she loved and not seeing that love returned. I don’t blame her.
My father sits near the window, engrossed in an old book with thick spectacles hanging from his crooked nose. He wears the same cardigan I saw him in last, and he taps one foot along to the radio playing nearby. He looks every bit my father and my chest aches painfully. My grip tightens further on Evie’s hand until I realize it’s probably too tight and break the contact.
“Dad?” I approach him slowly. He doesn’t react. “Conor? Conor Gifford?”
Only then does he lift his head. He peers over the top of his glasses, looking at me as if I’m a stranger. There isn’t a hint of recognition in those eyes but he does lower his book.
“Dad? It’s me, Cormac. Your son. Do you… do you remember me?”
Dad looks me over, then his lips press into a firm, frail line. “You have the wrong person.” He returns to his book.
“I’m sorry,” Saoirse says behind me. As I turn, she takes her leave and Cian follows a moment later. I half want to follow them, but I came here for a reason. Moving closer to my dad, I sit on the small stool nearby and rest my elbows atop my knees.
“Dad, I have to tell you something important and it’s not going to be easy.”
He lowers his book again and looks at me as if I’m bothering him. It’s a look I grew up with as a child and it’s painfully familiar. Cotton forms in my throat and I swallow hard.
“Boy,” he says sharply, and the nerves down my back jump. But for some reason, he doesn’t continue. He just watches me, so I take my chance.
“Dad, do you remember Brenden? Your son? He was older than me by just a couple of years. You used to always yell at him for climbing in the orchard, said it would affect the harvest and then each spring, he would get the first bite of the sourest apples.”
Dad doesn’t respond.
“Well, he…” Suddenly, words become impossible. Then Evie’s hand lands on my shoulder. “Dad, I’m really sorry to tell you this but Brenden… he passed away. He’s gone. But he was a good man, Dad. You would have been so proud of him. I know you would.”
The words don’t sound like they’re coming from me. It’s like another voice has taken over in an attempt to reach my father, and my heart thumps painfully.
Then my father reaches out. He places a frail hand on my arm and squeezes suddenly. Tears instantly spring into my eyes.
“You look sad, Son,” he says. “Go and speak to Mabel. She’ll cheer you right up!”
His touch is painfully familiar, even if his words speak of unfamiliarity. Suddenly, when our eyes meet, I feel at peace. It’s as if some part of him understands what I’m trying to tell him, and that is the part that reached out. He leans back, returning to his book, and I give him my strongest smile.
“I’ll do that.” I sniffle, gathering myself. “Thanks, Dad. Also, this is Evie. She’s my girlfriend.”
Dad glances up at her and smiles. “What a bonnie lass.”
“Aye. She is.” I stand and loop my arm around Evie. “Love you, Da.”
He doesn’t respond, but I don’t need him to. I came here and did what I needed to do, and I’m certain he understood. Somehow.
With a final glance, I head back out of the building to find Saoirse and Cian hugging in the parking lot.
“Did you tell him?” Saoirse asks as they break apart.
“Yeah.”
“What did he say?”
“Told me I looked sad and to go and speak to someone called Mabel.” I scoff softly. “But the strangest thing… I felt like he understood.”
“You’re just convincing yourself of that,” Cian says.
“No. He reached out, and for a moment, it was like…” I shake my head. “I don’t know. Maybe it was nothing, but I’m convinced he understood. He heard me. He knows.”
“I think so too,” Evie says.
“You have to have his back.” Saoirse chuckles, wiping her eyes. “You’re his girlfriend.”
“Maybe, but he did seem tender. Just from an outside perspective,” she adds hurriedly.
“Dad would have loved you,” Cian says with a smile. “He had a soft spot for soft people.”
“I’m not soft!” Evie protests, to which we all laugh.
“Sure, sweetie.” She elbows me in the ribs as I pull her in for a kiss.
“Right.” Saoirse claps her hands together. “Ready to say goodbye?”
“Is there anything you need?” Evie stands in front of me, adjusting my tie with her delicate fingers. “Anything I can get you?”
“Just you,” I say softly.
“You have me.” She cups my cheek with one hand and guides me down to a soft, tender kiss.
“And I am forever grateful.” As the kiss breaks, I stand back to admire us in the mirror. Evie wears a black dress on loan from Saoirse and I wear a black suit with a white shirt and black tie. We might be at the old family farm, which hasn’t seen this much activity in years, but it’s the perfect place to lay Brenden to rest. And as per Ma’s sharp instructions, we all have to dress respectfully.
“Did you grow up here?” Evie asks as we duck through the low hallway and move down through the farmhouse.
“Not as much as I would have liked. I was born in the States, but about half, maybe three-quarters of my childhood was spent here.”
“Is this where you’d also want to be laid to rest?” She looks up at me. “Here?”
“As long as it’s next to you, I won’t care,” I reply easily. “But here would be good.”
“Noted.”
“Why, planning on bumping me off?”
“It’s crossed my mind. A lot of money in ranch inheritance, right?”
“Millions,” I tease, kissing her temple.
We head outside and follow an old cobblestone path through the overgrown garden to a large pond out the back of the house. Ma is there holding a back marble urn, with Cian and Saoirse around her.
“Why the pond?” Evie asks, her voice low.
“Brenden loved the pond. He spent a lot of time there raising a family of goslings he rescued. It was adorable looking back then, but at the time I was so jealous. He told me he was raising an army of swans that would eat me in my sleep.”
Evie stifles a laugh. “Must have been some shit swans.”
“To this day whenever I hear a honk, I fear it’s his promise coming true.” I grin. As we reach the pond, Ma immediately pulls me in and presses a powdery kiss to my cheek.
“Thank you for talking to Da’.”
“Aye.” I nod. “I’m glad I did.”
“How was he?”
“Just the same,” I assure her. “Healthy.”
She nods curtly, then turns to Evie and kisses her cheek. “Welcome, dear.”
“Thank you for having me,” Evie replies.
“Fuck,” Cian mutters, suddenly wiping his eyes. “Shitty fucking—”
“Come here, little brother.” I loop my arm around his shoulders and pull him in for a tight hug. Saoirse joins us and together, the three of us squeeze onto one another until a demand for air and space breaks us apart.
“Y’alright?” I clutch Cian’s shoulder, and he nods, wiping at his eyes.
“Aye. Just… why’d he have t’die, y’know? Fucker was supposed to be old and gray.”
“No one in this life makes it old and gray,” Saoirse says.
“Oi, cheeky. I did,” Ma remarks. “Brenden… what happened was horrible, but I choose to think he’s looking down on us happy that we dealt with the fucker who took him from us. And we’ll make him proud. All of us.”
We all nod. I reach for Evie’s hand, and she flashes me a comforting smile. Ma removes the lid of the urn and then takes out a handful of ashes. Whatever she says to them is so quiet that I don’t catch it, then she scatters them into the pond where they drift down onto the water.
“I love you, Son,” she says tearfully.
Cian is next. He takes a handful, and whatever he says as goodbye is only for his ears as he doesn’t speak a word of it aloud. Then he scatters his handful and clears his throat. “Man, I’m kinda pissed you died so early. All these pranks I never got a chance to play, and I wanted to wreck one of your fancy fast cars just once.”
A rumble of amusement moves through us.
Saoirse steps up next. “You were the best brother I ever had and you’ve left me with these two fucks,” she mumbles. “But I’m so happy that you found someone to love and I’m totally stealing your diamond watch. Love you.” She scatters the ashes and dusts her hands off.
My turn.
The ash is heavy in my hands and a thousand thoughts burst through my mind, but nothing feels right. Slowly, I spread my fingers and watch the ash trickle down into the water.
“I’ll make you proud, Brother,” is all I say.
I stare down until the last of the ash melts into the water that rocks softly back and forth from the movement of fish, frogs, and other animals that live here now. Then Ma offers the urn to Evie and her eyes widen.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
Ma nods. “You’re family, dear.”
She takes a handful, looking uncertain, then approaches the water’s edge. “I didn’t know you, but if you were even half the man your brother is then I know you were great. I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you.” She scatters the ashes, then steps back into my arms.
Ma moves forward and turns the urn upside down, pouring the rest of the ash out into the pond. Just as she does, a gust of wind kicks up and blows the ash back at all of us, invading eyes, noses, and throats.
A flurry of coughing rises up in all of us as we turn to avoid Brenden’s ashes getting carried in the wind and caught on us. Coughs that then turn to laughter.
“That fucker.” Cian laughs, brushing ash out of his suit. “I knew he’d pull something like this.”
“Always had to make his presence known,” Saoirse groans.
“That’s my boy.” Ma laughs along with them.
“Oh, God.” Evie coughs and coughs until I take her hand and help her brush the ash from her hair. When she looks up at me, her eyes are bright and a swell of love overtakes the grief in my chest.
“I love you,” I say, cupping the side of her neck. “So much. Thank you for being here.”
“Of course,” she says. “I love you too. And I’ll always be here.”
“My strongest pillar,” I say. She leans up onto her tiptoes and kisses me tearily.
“Right!” Cian declares, slapping his hands together. “Enough crying. Time for the pub!”
