Ana
Jade’s room is quiet but not in a tense way. Matteo and Dmitri left Jade, Ivan, and me alone only a few minutes ago. They didn’t want me to feel crowded, and I’m certain Matteo didn’t want to say something insensitive. When you crack jokes about any and everything, it’s hard not to say the wrong thing at the extraordinarily wrong time.
At least he’s self-aware enough to know he isn’t the comforting type.
“Are you sure you don’t want to try and eat anything?” Ivan asks hesitantly. “Sometimes calorie intake can help after a shock.”
“No,” I answer hollowly. The idea of food makes my stomach roil.
I can’t imagine having an appetite when all I can see is the memory of Cole’s death playing on a loop. The way his head snapped back with the force of the gunshot, and the way the bullet hole bloomed with sickeningly dark blood. My throat still burns with the screams I couldn’t hold back, the ones I couldn’t hear but I could feel.
“How does your head feel?” Jade checks, trying not to frown.
I can tell that she’s shaken up, like me. Scared and hurt from hearing what happened to me, even if she wasn’t there for it. And still, she’s keeping a brave face on. She wants to remain strong for me, even if it’s difficult. Friends like Jade Moretti don’t come around often, and I wish I could articulate how much she means to me.
“Sore, but not any worse than before,” I tell her with a shrug.
The physical pain isn’t what’s bothering me. It’s the thick and undeniable ache in my chest, the desire to cry, and the horrible need to escape my body. Maybe if I could step out of my skin, I wouldn’t be able to feel so sick. Like my soul is rotting me from the inside out.
“Do you think it’s like this for everyone?” The words leave my lips without permission, and the emptiness in my question is so clear even I can hear it. “I don’t understand what I’m feeling or how I’m still breathing. How does my brain even continue to work after tonight?”
I’m operating somehow, even though I don’t feel it. There’s an emptiness where my consciousness belongs. I’m here and absent at the same time. An ugly contradiction I don’t know how to escape.
“Death affects everyone differently, I think,” Jade offers quietly. “When Uncle Cesar died, I didn’t understand what I was feeling most of the time either. He was the first person I ever cared about that I lost. And watching it happen… it’s not an easy thing to forget, or even process.”
“What about you?” I ask Ivan, catching a hesitant look in his eye.
“Losing someone you’re close to like this, Ana… it takes a piece of you. Seeing someone you love hurt, fatally or otherwise, you can’t get rid of what that does. It’s permanent, like a scar you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life. It fades, and it heals, but it’s always there.”
Breathing out shakily, I sniff. “That’s not very comforting.”
“It’s not,” he agrees. “But it’s also not a lie.”
“Seems like you know from experience,” I reply dully. “Who died in front of your eyes, then?”
Jade sucks in a breath, but Ivan doesn’t even blink.
“My sister isn’t dead, but after what happened to her, she wanted to be,” he tells me in a dark tone. “There is more than one way to be scarred permanently. Finding Anya in the state she was left in, looking at her and finding no life left in her eyes—”
Ivan cuts himself off, and I see his fists clench, knuckles turning white.
He doesn’t need to finish his sentence for me to catch his meaning. No one he loves has been killed in front of him, but he still understands. I’ve heard rumors about the Morozov daughter. The prima ballerina beauty was kept out of our society, only scarcely allowed to perform at exclusive, lavish events. Despite being a perfectly respectable mafia princess, she was hidden more than she was ever seen—for protection. But at age fifteen, she was taken by a group of the worst kind of men.
I don’t know who was truly responsible for the hit, but I know she was broken in the ways of nightmares. Torn apart on film for her family’s torment, only to be saved hours later, barely alive and entirely shattered.
She hasn’t danced since.
Jade hasn’t even met the girl, and I’m not sure how much she knows about her. Despite being married to Dmitri, and twin flames with Ivan, Jade has experienced her own world of trauma, and I doubt she would pry into another girl’s—family or not.
“Ana, Jade,” Dmitri’s voice floats into the room as he steps quietly inside. “Dante asked for you both. He’s in the office.”
Jade looks surprised. “He did? Did he say why?”
“No.” Dmitri gives her a firm shake of his head.
“He probably just wants to check on us,” I reason with a limp lift of my shoulder. It’s a good thing that I changed into some of Jade’s clothes after meeting with the doctor like she suggested. A bath robe would not be a suitable outfit to meet with a mafia boss—friend’s father or not. Although, before tonight, I never would have dreamed of meeting one wearing sweatpants, a frayed pullover, and fuzzy socks either.
My best friend looks reluctant to make me get out of bed, even to go see her father. But I shrug off her soft white blanket and get to my feet, waiting for her to follow. When she does, she takes my hand and threads our fingers together. My eyes track the action and a warm buzz of appreciation swells in my chest.
The walk to Dante Moretti’s office doesn’t take long, and despite the trip being toward a Capo’s office, it doesn’t feel daunting. The man has been nothing but welcoming to me since my friendship with Jade blossomed. I don’t know him especially well, but I trust him enough not to fear him. Unless I suddenly become a threat to him or his family, Dante is inarguably safe for me to be around.
The door is slightly ajar when we approach, and Jade takes that as a sign to enter without knocking. Two men dressed in smart suits stand behind a large cherry oak desk, their quiet conversation coming to an end.
I gulp, suddenly feeling nervous. There’s tension in the air, and I don’t know why. I want to curl in on myself, but I attempt to look brave.
“Please, have a seat, Ana,” Jade’s father says softly. His eldest son is standing next to him, and neither of them look happy.
Is there more bad news?
Please, please don’t let there be more.
“Oh my god,” I croak, assessing their solemn faces before fully entering the room. “Is Killian dead? Did he not make it?”
“Killian is stable,” Apollo immediately reports. Somehow his words don’t reassure me. After all, a remorseful looking Dante is by his side, and if the Capo of The Outfit looks rattled, there’s a reason.
Jade gently guides me by the small of my back, walking me further into the pristine private office. She sits with me in the middle of a leather sofa, rubbing light circles between the center of my shoulders.
“Dad, what is this about?” Her voice is concerned, reassuring me that she’s noticed their troubled expressions.
Dante exhales slowly. “I’m afraid I have some difficult news for you, Ana. We were looking into leads to make some sense of what happened to you today, and unfortunately we’ve only found another awful discovery.”
He pauses, and Jade stiffens next to me.
“Apollo?” she asks, looking to her brother as her voice wavers.
“We attempted to locate your mother, hoping to bring her here for support,” Dante continues.
A gasp bursts from my lips. “Is she missing?”
She’s supposed to be in London. Safe, in London. Bron’s security in our New York building is tight, but it’s impenetrable in London. The Kings own that city. I’ve never felt at risk there, so much so that I haven’t even thought about my mother since coming here.
It’s been easier to file her away as the one thing I don’t need to worry about. Have I been naive? After all, I used to think Killian and Cole were untouchable and tonight has proven drastically otherwise. Has someone used Bron’s absence to take her?
“What did you find?” Jade adds, looking between the two men.
Dante can’t hide his sorrowful frown. “I’m so sorry, Ana.”
My ears ring with a high-pitched sound, and I feel all the blood drain from my face. A swarm of cold nausea festers in my gut and my eyes begin to burn. That apology isn’t one that follows telling someone their mother is missing. It’s the kind of remorseful endearment one would hear at a funeral.
“No,” I whisper, denying it. My head shakes, forcing hot tears to drip from my eyes. “You’re lying. Please, why would you say that?”
“Dad…” Jade’s voice is ghostly at my side. “What did you find?”
Dante doesn’t answer her, he hesitates instead, like he can’t bring himself to say the words.
“I wish we were lying, Ana,” Apollo says darkly. “Your mother’s body was found in the London apartment. I know it doesn’t help with your loss—losses—but we’re getting in contact with a man called Gerard to safely retrieve her. She’ll be brought here where we can have her examined for signs of foul play.”
My mother is dead. Bile burns up the back of my throat, and I use what little control of my body I have left to swallow it down.
Cole is gone, Bron is gone, Killian is barely hanging on, and now my mother? My mum? The woman who I’ve loved and admired my whole life is just gone? Just like that?
My heart pounds to the point of feeling like my chest is bruised or fuck, carved open. Why is this happening to me?
Mum has always believed in a merciful God. Being raised in a Catholic orphanage, she’s kept up her faith. She always said the world could be a beautiful place, even through the carnage that happens.
I never got into religion like she did. It didn’t call to me, but I respected her desire for there to be a higher power. People use God to explain the things they can’t understand and to find comfort in the darkness that life can surround you with.
Am I being punished for being indifferent to divinity?
No, I can’t go there. That doesn’t even make sense, does it?
Why would God take my mother, a faithful follower, when he could have slain me instead?
Cole, I could understand. He was the definition of a sinner. Greedy, prideful, full of wrath and lust. A made man with blood on his hands. He was so many things God wouldn’t be okay with, but sinners live every day.
Clutching the silver cross necklace I wear for my mother, I swallow hard. The jewelry that I hardly ever remove sits over my heart, but it doesn’t bring me a single scrap of comfort. I don’t feel anchored to her, I don’t even feel anchored to earth. My soul could hover out of my body, and I wouldn’t even be surprised to watch it float away.
Now is not the time to question the universe. Whatever the reason, if there even is one, my mother is dead.
She’s not coming back, and no amount of reasoning will make it okay.
“We won’t rest until we’ve assured your safety,” Dante continues carefully. “No one will touch you in my home.”
The words are thoughtful, and yet they feel meaningless.
I exhale, feeling hot tears fall from my lashes.
“What does it matter if I’m safe?”
Jade flinches, reaching for my hands. “No, don’t say that.”
“You shouldn’t waste your time protecting me, Mr. Moretti. If I’m going to die, no one else should put themselves at risk in the process.”
“Ana,” my best friend croaks, squeezing my hands more firmly.
“You will not die,” Dante Moretti declares, his voice suddenly all Capo. “I’m vowing to you that no one will touch you now, Ana Knight. You are in my house and you are under my protection. We are formulating a plan for our next move, but right now, all you need to do is rest.”
Apollo nods, showing his agreement. “Our doctor is still here if you want to be medicated. There isn’t a pill in the world that cures the anguish you’re feeling, but dulling it is more than possible.”
I’ve never really taken drugs before. Nothing more than occasional sick meds and local anesthesia to have my wisdom teeth removed a few years back. The temptation for recreational fun has never really been there for me. But if some kind of pill can take away even a fraction of the ache radiating through my whole body, I’ll try it.
I find myself nodding, no words able to rise from my throat.
Like she can’t resist it any longer, Jade tucks me into a fierce hug. The affectionate gesture only makes me cry harder, but I embrace her back. We squeeze each other so hard that it becomes difficult to breathe. I don’t know how many moments pass before the same doctor who checked out my head comes into the room.
He talks and I hear every other word. He’s giving me some kind of injection that will make me tired and take away the worst of my grief. I don’t ask what it’s called or if it’s safe, I just roll up my t-shirt sleeve and watch as he presses a small needle into the juncture of my muscle.
The small sting barely registers and it’s over as quickly as it began.
I don’t expect the exhaustion to hit me so quickly, but within a few blinks, I can feel myself dozing off. I feel Doc check my vitals and hear voices speaking softly before I’m lifted off the couch and into strong arms.
My blurry eyes creak open just in time to see Apollo tucking me into a bed. I can smell Jade’s perfume, sweet and citrusy as she climbs in with me. I’m not sure if she’s staying, but I can’t fight the call to slumber for a second longer.
The world goes dark, and I experience a modicum of peace at last.
